Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Thanks CL and Believing

Yes, I have begun to tell him that I appreciate the talks (knowing full well, like you said, he would rather eat a brick - I like that one ) and he seems to be more open with the conversations now, even saying they are helping him more

He told me he's felt stronger in the past couple of days, which is good because he was really down on himself. I don't condone one teensy little bit what he did but I did tell him that eventually he has to stop beating himself up if we are going to get through this

Once again - thanks guys, you are life savers (cherry ones - my favourite )

[Heywyre]

Update - January 5/07

Went to see the C today and he seemed quite pleased as to our progress over the past couple of weeks (as tough as it was). He told us we were both dealing with this very emotional issue "very maturely" which made us both feel good. He asked how we were doing that and we explained that we were trying to be rational and refused to yell and scream at each other - he almost couldn't believe it. Actually, it is something we have never done - too old and tired out maybe

We discussed some of the things we had been talking about together over the past week and the C was very impressed and said "that is exactly what I've been wanting you to do - good for you"

Anyway, we both came away from there feeling pretty good but have some "homework" to do.

C wants us to talk about "the sacred waters in a marriage". I guess he wants us to talk about what each of us consider to be boundaries in a marriage, which might not necessarily be the same - which I never thought about

[Looking_for_hope]

It sounds like yall are making some great progress, be cautious but not cold. I know the temptation to repay some of the hurt is there but that will do nothing but hurt your M.
It is great that yall are in C and seeing a therapist for his issues! Im hoping that yall can get your life back in order and your R and M back to where it should be. Its a long and hard road but it can be done, the hard part will be rebuilding that trust, scary to be certain.
I will keep praying for yall!

[Heywyre]

Thanks Looking for your reply and prayers - I need all the help I can get at this point.

Things seem to be pretty good today - he is tired and sleeping right now but I think its more actual "tired" than the depression (mental exhaustion). We have been civil to each other today, went out for breakfast, did a couple of errands and he DIDN'T take his cell phone with him (which has been part of my stress level - as he's always been VERY protective/secretive with it. Hoping this is an indication (or effort) on his part that he is trying)

I asked him if he would like to watch a movie later tonight - he said ok. He is not much into comedies (as I am) but also asked me if he didn't find it very interesting, could I just continue on watching it while he called a couple of his (male) friends he hasn't talked to for a while (the phone being in the same room as the TV) and I agreed.

So, I do see some definite effort on his part (which I also verbally acknowledged to him when we saw the C yesterday)

Also, I start a new job on Monday and it has been a stress trigger for me for some time - being it is a total new avenue I am going down. He knows about my trust (or lack of) issue.

Quite some time ago (just after the bomb hit) I had asked if he could meet me for lunch on that day (about a half hour drive from home). I did this because Mondays are his day off (and he had been going to see OW each and every one for several months after we moved - even though she lives a 3 hour drive each way)

At that time, he said he knew it bothered me but that he couldn't live in a bubble for the rest of his life. Of course this caused quite the upset with me and we argued about how it was ok for him to drive 6 hours in one day to see OW but he couldn't be bothered to drive half an hour to reassure his wife, who he claims to love and wants to reconcile with. We eventually agreed we would talk to the C about it and left it at that.

Yesterday, we talked to the C about the trust issue but didn't really come to any conclusion - he just asked how I was dealing with it etc.

After our session H wanted to know if I had come to a conclusion about what I wanted to do about Monday. I said that I was still undecided because one day I feel stronger than another and I didn't know how I would feel come Monday.

He said, "well, I already know what I would like to do". Of course, this initially caused me some anxiety but I asked him to explain. What I heard almost made me cry. He said that it was important that I start my new job out with a good foundation and that he thought it best he meet me for lunch to reassure me, and give me that strength.

Now (at times) I feel as though I might not actually need him to be there. It was just the acknowledgement from him that I needed more than anything. I think I will probably still take him up on that offer though - just because!

Things are good today in the heywyre household and for the first time since the bomb hit, I truly feel that we might actually have a chance at repairing this M. And THAT makes me VERY happy indeed

[Heywyre]

Update - January 6/07

Went to see the C yesterday with H. It went well and the C told us we were both handling the situation "very maturely" - which is always a nice boost

We talked about the trust issue I am dealing with and H acknowledged the emotions I was going through

One of the things H has been pressing me about is my new job that starts Monday. In the past, just after the bomb, I was insistent that he meet me for lunch that day (being that Mondays are his day off and he used to use them to go see OW - some 3 hours drive to her house - each way!!). He got defensive (at the time) and said he couldn't live in "a bubble". I went off the deep end saying it was okay to drive 6 hours, spend time with OW, every single week for at least 3-4 months (since we had moved to another city) - not to mention the time he spent with her when we lived where she does, but he couldn't be bothered driving half an hour to have lunch with me, on his day off? Me? The woman he is supposed to love and want to reconcile with?

Needless to say, it was not a productive discussion and we left it for the C to go over. Unfortunately (like always it seems) we never did get to actually addressing that particular topic (sheesh the time goes fast in that office)

Anyway, when we got home H asked if I had come to any conclusions about Monday. Once again, I got on the defensive (but this time didn't let H see that side) and said I didn't know. That I was having a difficult time with that decision because one day I feel ok, the next I don't. H said "well I know what I'm going to do". My heart raced at the thought of him saying "too bad, deal with it" kind of thing. I got my courage up and asked him what his thoughts were about it. His reply?

"You are starting a new job Monday, and you need a good foundation for it. I think it would be a good idea for me to meet you for lunch to give you that foundation you need. I think its the least I can do."



Was I pleased? You bet I was!!

[Heywyre]

I've been up and down the past couple of days - I know that's normal but what with starting a new job (as a sessional instructor teaching the legal program at the college) I can't afford to not be sharp - woe is me!!

However, there was a baby step. H said he would meet me for lunch today without me actually having to ask him to do that for me. You see, Mondays used to be his "go to visit OW" days and it was stressing me out. He asked me a couple of times what I wanted to do, regarding my first day of work. I never did give him an answer because I didn't want to be the one to make the decision - he should know how important it is. Well, Friday, after seeing the C, he said he has already decided what he was going to do - meet me for lunch. What a relief.

But, tonight I am feeling somewhat stressed out. It is currently just after 1:00 a.m. and I have to get up in 5 hours and I'm not one bit tired (bet I will be at 6 am). H has gone to work (works nights - making things more stressful) and I know he wasn't feeling too upbeat this evening. Earlier in the evening he did say he was sorry for causing me so much turmoil (so I guess that's another baby step eh?) I have to admit, he has been saying sorry a whole heck of a lot more this time around. I think the first time he said it the once, maybe twice, and thought that should have been sufficient for me to forget it and move on.

One day at a time (wish I could go to sleep and wake up a year from now and all this pain would be gone)

[Heywyre]

Sorry to have been away for so long. The power was out at our place for 48 hours - yikes, its seemed like forever. I really had to wing it at work for two days, due to all my lecture notes were in the computer and I couldn't get them out. I think I pulled it off pretty good.

On to other matters...

H and I went to the C on Thursday - it was strained to say the least. C wanted us to talk about "sacred waters in a marriage" - basically boundaries and how they affect each other. I set out what I felt were the definite do's and dont's of a relationship and, of course, H's were not quite the same. He is of the opinion if people don't have "like minds" the relationship is in trouble. I am of the opinion you don't always have to think the same, that's what makes life and relationships interesting.

Then H, who always claims to be open-minded (and likes to point out how I am "rigid, too conservative and not as open-minded as he is) said people just "can't change their thinking patterns like that" - referring to the way he's been etc.

The C (and I could have hugged him right then and there) said, "I thought you said you were open minded, saying you can't change something that you claim you would like to seems rather closed-minded to me". I was thrilled. H, on the other hand got a little quite and I could tell from the expression on his face that he was a little perturbed. He had been caught at his own game and he didn't like it. And this is the C that he claims is so good, and how he feels so much better after he talks to him.

Our homework is supposed to be talking about this same issue a little more in depth before our next session next Friday. I bet anything H will not bring it up until the day before we have to go, if at all. I know this because he avoided talking about the last homework assignment too. I asked several times throughout the week (when he was in a good mood) and he put it off continuously until the day before. I think we are getting a little too close for comfort

[Heywyre]

I soooooo need some help/advice

things have got pretty tense around here the last couple of days. I thought we were doing well and now all of a sudden H tells me he doesn't know how he feels about me or where I belong in his life - WTF!!!! I thought we were piecing?

Now I have moved into the spare room until he can figure out where I fit into his life - is this the right thing to do? I don't know where I am going at this point. I have been trying to be the nicest person on the face of the earth, telling him ILY etc. etc. He has responded with the ILY's too and now he says he doesn't know where I fit in? What the hell is going on here?

Can someone please give me some sort of idea of where his head is at?

[Concerned_Listener]

Heywyre,
It's hard to say where his head is at. I know you were hoping for more progress at this time.

If moving into a separate room is going to help you be more centered, then it's probably the right decision. Does he have an issue with you moving in there for now?

Practice self-care activities--exercise, social life, recreation, etc.. Practice whatever is going to help you feel stronger.

Read (or review) DR. There is a chapter on "cheeseless tunnels." We are to increase awareness of habitual patterns that fail to resolve R problems. Are you engaged in one of those patterns now?

Are you looking for positives? In DR, we're asked to "Know What You Want" from the R. Have you developed R goals? Are they positive, action-oriented, and small? These will help you to have realistic expectations of the R at this time. I'm wondering if your expectations are too high at this time.

Concerned_Listener

[Heywyre]

yes, we have set goals and they were both the same - take small steps in working towards rebuilding our marriage.

We are seeing a C and everything we need to do at this point. I don't know what the heck is happening. It was my idea to go to the other room but he is "ok with it" if that's what I want. It's NOT what I want but I can't lay beside a man that can say ILY. After I posted last night we had another long talk and he said that he does love me but has to sort out his feelings - what does that mean?