Here we go again !!

[Heywyre]

This is my first time writing but I need to get a certain amount of things off my chest so I can heal and move on. I will try and be as brief as possible but there are a number of facts that have to be told to understand (as best as possible) the whole story.

The first thing I want to make absolutely clear is that I DO NOT condone what my husband did (affair) in any way, shape or form. It was a very disfunctional way of dealing with problems he has and nothing more. Here goes ...

After 5 years of marriage (second marriages for the both of us) we moved up north for 9 years (where he used to live once before). He had experienced several bad relationships there prior to us getting together and I was a little concerned about him "going back" and getting involved in "that scene" so to speak. It was not a pleasant 9 years that's for sure. In the last few years we were there our marriage was strained and we drifted apart (I can see that now). He had bought a business and his partner turned on him. During that time he also found out he had been adopted from birth but neither of his parents were alive at the time so he had no one to ask questions of. I searched only to discover his biological mother 6 months too late and one half-brother that wanted nothing to do with him so that just ended in more rejection.

He then went into major depression and started contacting escort services. He connected with one in particular and ended up having a year-long affair with her (yes, we have both been tested since). Needless to say I was devestated. We had had very little sex in the previous couple of years before his affair (his choice, not mine) and he wrote it off to getting older and just not having the drive (I have to admit, he never was one for a lot of it from day one). In a nutshell, he has always been a very compassionate person, helping those that cannot help themselves (one of the things I loved about him) but he doesn't know when to stop and also have a compulsive obsessive side. He said he just wanted to help this person get out of the situation she was in. I still have my doubts about that but he has stuck by that story (not as strongly though) since day one, even though he admits it was a stupid way of dealing with things and takes full responsibility for his actions.

We went through tremendous hurt and it was extremely difficult for a couple of years but things got better, we moved and had a new life and new jobs in a new city. Then we had a very serious car accident which sent him back into depression. He then lost his job (the first time in his 40 year work-life) and that just sent him over the edge. Once again, he reached out to someone other than me. This time it lasted about 10 months. However, by the time I confronted him we had already been living in another city for about 5 months. During that 5 month period he had been going to see her every single Monday (his day off, when I was working) This is a 3-hour drive one way, plus the gas, toll charges etc. There were also numerous telephone calls in between. Once again, my heart had been ripped out and my life pulled out from under me. Could I go through this again?

When we had moved (his choice - to be closer to family and friends to help him deal with the depression) I had told him one of the conditions is that we seek counselling, which we have been doing for the past 3-4 months. But, during that time, he was also still seeing this woman (that I didn't know about). However, he swears that he has not had sex with her since before we moved and he has been struggling with telling her the last 4-5 times he has seen her. We have talked very openly about the "details" and he said he told her multiple times it was wrong what he was doing but for some unknown reason he couldn't stop himself.

He is currently on a fairly high dosage of anti-depressants and the doctor is monitoring him to see if he might need to supplement him with another medication.

There are numerous smaller details but that is the greater part of it. In the meantime we are still going to counselling and doing the best to deal with the emotions/feelings and they arise. We are also trying not to go at each other's throats and that has impressed the counsellor who claims we are dealing with a very difficult situation very maturely (not that it makes me feel any better, I just think I'm too exhausted to fight anymore).

The bottom line is, we both want to try and salvage our marriage. My husband realizes I am willing to try but cannot, at this time, promise him anything. He is very emotional at the thought of losing me but understands that it might be too late to save it. However, I have told him (and I am true to my word) that regardless of what happens in our marriage, I still want him to be part of my life. I just might not be able to have an intimate life with him anymore. He cried and cried and cried but said he knew what he had done and understood. He said he is committed to trying to save what he can, even if it means only a friendship between us.

I have been extremely long-winded but there is a question here. Does anyone think it at all possible that this marriage can be saved? Is it possible for him to "fix" whatever it is that is making him do this (the counsellor has several theories at this point)? Can we get passed this and actually have a decent marriage still?

My heart aches at the thought of not having him in my life, regardless of the pain he has caused me, and himself. But I know, at the same time, I have to save myself and refuse to go down with the ship again.

He also has told me that regardless of what happens between us, he has to get this (calling escort services) out of his life because it is not only hurting other but also destroying himself.

Any suggestions, comments or encouragement greatly appreciated.

[cat03]

Hi there, hopefully the medication for depression might help him to let go of the other "addiction" he had.
You've certainly been very forgiving, I just don't know how it can still be called a marriage if you can't see yourself being intimate w/him, I'd be hurt too, but again, sex is a connection of not only body but soul.
Maybe at this time you don't feel you can, I hope in the future that changes and you both are able to have a whole M again, if you get past your hurt.
My prayers your way.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat for your reply and your prayers - I need all the help I can get these days

We had another talk last night and H reassured me he wants to work towards salvaging our M and that S is the last resort. H wants to try and salvage it by staying together and working towards that goal, while going to counselling. He said, "if it got to the point where we were ripping each other apart" then he thinks it would be a good idea to S, still with the goal of rebuilding. So I guess that is a very positive step at this point, as much as it seems almost unobtainable sometimes.

I know I have to try and resolve the trust issue foremost. That is something I will be talking to the pyschologist about this week

Thanks again for your support, it is much appreciated.

[Looking_for_hope]

You have had a rough time of it to be sure. The times ahead will not be easy but I think your M can be fixed and the both of you can move forward. Believe me, its no easy task. My W was involved in an EA while I was deployed overseas, we decided to work on our M and went to counseling for over a year. Things were good until recently. Finiancial stress has caused M issues and has caused me to backslide somewhat on worries of her having another A.
The best thing I can say is continue conseling for your M, and get him into counseling for his addiction to the escort services.
Its baby steps at this point, one day at a time. It will be an emotional roller coaster ride and will seem to never end but get a good support team, come here and talk to an understanding preacher/minister. The worst for me is those "alone times", its hard to keep my mind from wandering to "what if" of what she is doing and as you said, you ahve simular issues. I just have to have faith that she will be true, (TRUST....such a hard thing for me it seems) and you are in the same boat.
I will add you to my prayer list and I have hope for you and your M.
All things are possible in God.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Looking

Yes, the TRUST is the biggest issue for sure. That is something I have to concentrate on and leave all the other issues to one side.

I have to realize that what is in the past has to stay in the past and move forward, one day at a time. As much as "one day" seems like years

Thanks for your prayers and concerns

[whatisis]

Wow, it's not easy is it! You can't fix his emotional issues and that is damn frustrating, I know. I think you are handling this incredibly well, it can be so hard to hold back the floodgates when you feel like ripping his head off! You are right to stay away from that kind of emotional outburst, it does little good. Keep working on the counselling but above all (and this is what DB taught me) look after you. Whether your M stays or goes you are stuck with you. Make yourself a better, fuller and more interesting person for you as much as for your M. GAL and show him that you can make it with or without him. The pain is less when you can point to all the things you've done to grow as a person. In my sitch I have grown in so many ways because I've done just what I'm suggesting. Even if the worst comes to be, I know I've become a better, happier person in myself. I hope this helps. Take care, and from one Canadian to another here's a big Canadian EH for you I'll be checking in on you again.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Whatisis

I need all the support I can get at this point.

Today was my day to be strong and H day to be weak. He came home from work and said he wanted to lay down for a while but kept hesitating. I knew he wanted to talk but didn't initiate it. He finally sat on the couch and his floodgates opened. He was crying almost uncontrolably. I know this is hurting him so bad but I need to see that to recover too - I don't know if I am a sadist or what but him showing his pain helps me heal - cruel? He said that he knows he can get through this and repair our marriage then asked me if I could. I didn't answer (because, quite frankly I don't know at this point) - after a long pause, he said "it's okay, I know how much I have hurt you and its probably not right that I ask you that right now" - Great! the pressure was off to give him an answer - relief!! I told him I was willing to work on it but wasn't promising anything - I just can't do that right now - the pain is still too deep and the trust issue is paramount.

He said that he knows its going to be hard and he also knows that I might never be able to trust him again but he has to try and repair the damage he's done, regardless of the outcome. He said it rips him apart to see how much he's hurt me and how he's shattered my life. He says its almost unbearable to deal with at times. He's even considering doubling up on the counselling and us going once a week and him an extra time by himself (if the C can fit him in - he's very busy - however, I am hoping he sees the urgency of this and helps him out). I think he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown - thank goodness he's taking AD right now, I can't imagine what he would be like. Also it is going to cost us a whole heck of a lot more but this is a health issue and, to tell you the truth, I am really concerned about his mental health right now

Thanks again Whatisis - and take care "EH"

[runningoutoftime]

I get the feeling you are a compassionate and giving person. I think, even if the marriage doesn't work out, you would probably want to offer support and friendship. And that might be something you can give him.

I've come to realize that the trust we now give our husbands is a different kind of one. It's like you have to change the definition of it. Rather than trusting that my husband will never do these things to "me" again, I am working towards a trust that he will strive to do what's best and work towards living a healthier and ultimately happier life. I find that somehow looking at trust differently makes it easier for me to think it can be constructed again and in time (a lot of time!) a fuller kind of trust may be there.

[Heywyre]

Runningoutoftime - right on the button!

I feel the same way. I told H that regardless of what happens between us, even if we don't stay together (we never say D) that I would still want to be part of his life and see him through this terrible part of his life.

H: why
ME: because I love you, and care about you, regardless of whether we can live together or not
H: how can you love me after all the pain I have caused you
ME: I don't condone what you did, it was a very disfunctional way of handling your demons and any problems we might have. However, that does not make you a bad person. I still see the wonderful man that I married, you just need to find him again

He sat there in silence and cried

[*KS*Chick*]

awww