How to get sex back on track?

[Neverland]

Last night I started reading SSM. While I am only a few chapters into the book I find it doesn’t mention our situation. I think we would both claim to be the partner with the higher libido. My H wants more sex and so do I. Our dilemma is how to get it. I find our encounters fairly unpleasant. They are very abrupt. There is no foreplay and no afterglow. I’m usually not ready, so intercourse is somewhat uncomfortable. If this was something I wanted more of, the next problem would be that my H can’t keep an erection more often than every three days. Trying only seems to lead to his frustration and hurt feelings.

Add to this that my H is not affectionate at all. He rarely kisses me except during sex. He does not like to hold hands. If he touches me outside the bedroom it is usually to grab a breast or my crotch. When we do kiss, he is so aggressive that his whiskers scratch my face.

He is very angry about the situation and feels that it is really my fault. He believes I just don’t like sex. Meanwhile, I long to be close and connected to him. To share the fabulous release that I know sex can be. I want to be open and anxious to be together rather wanting to avoid it.

Does anyone have a similar story? Any thoughts on what could help?

[karen1]

Neverland,

I don't think your story is unique at all. Many people here have issues with the kind of sex as well as the frequency. Many of us have partners who not only don't want sex very often but have trouble with close kinds of behaviors like kissing and cuddling also. The question is - how did you get to this impasse? Was it always like this or is this new? What is the quality of your R in general? We can offer better suggestions if we know a little more. I think I would reccommend two books for you - Passionate Marriage and Peace Between the Sheets. Passionate Marriage describes a lot about how we arrive at these kinds of impasses and Peace Between the Sheets looks at a truly alternate view of having a sexual R with some ideas that would be good for any couple. Good luck.

Karen

[Neverland]

Things have pretty much always been like this. Before we were married, we had sex though not as often as I would like and it was only OK at best. There wasn’t much affection then either. I thought since we loved each other and enjoyed each others company so much that things would get better in time. Instead they got worse. After we were married, he started to complain that sex wasn’t frequent enough even though it was about the same as before. This is also when he started to be mean about it. Instead of wooing me, he would get angry, tell me I was frigid and withholding sex. It became harder and harder to be with him. I went from wanting more to wanting to avoid sex.

Our relationship is a mess. At about the same time, he became so demanding I also discovered that he was spending fairly significant sums of money on phone sex. Since then there have been several periods of compulsive spending, pornography and finally a series of encounters with a prostitute. All of which he has lied about leaving no trust in the relationship at all.

I have read Passionate Marriage and its sequel Resurrecting Sex but it takes two. He still just insists that I hate sex and there is nothing he can do.

[Lillieperl]

Never, I'm so sorry you are going through this... How are you/kids doing with the separation? Why do you want to save this marriage?

[Neverland]

That is a good question. I can’t seem to figure out if I am hanging on because there is a positive kernel to build on or because I am just too scared to let go. How do you decide?

[Lillieperl]

Well, I believe that if you don't know what to do, sometimes the best thing to do is wait until you do... as long as there is no emergency looming. Eventually something will happen inside or outside of you that will make it clear what you want to do. I believe this is one of those things that you don't have to "force" a decision. It's an inherently unstable situation that wants to resolve itself. Just be open to your feelings, events, possibilities...

Does he want to get back together?

How are you and the kids doing with the separation? How were the holidays?

[Neverland]

Another good question. I didn't even know the answer so I asked him if he wants to get back together (he is here for the holidays.) He says yes, but only if things change. Things meaning that I agree that unless I am in a full body cast that I will have sex with him at least every 7 days. Which would be easy enough if he didn't make it so unpleasant and difficult.

This is the most discouraging aspect of our relationship. He doesn't feel that he has any role in the problem. So, he continues to go to bed long before I do without even mentioning that he is going to bed, often before the kids are even settled for the night.

When we do have sex it is pretty awful. I can tolerate it because it doesn't last very long. It generally consists of aggressive kissing which causes his whiskers to scrape my face, intercourse and he rolls over and goes to sleep.

I have asked him not to kiss so hard. I have asked him to slow down but nothing is different.

I know that something different is possible. He had a video once that we watch together that advocated for more mutual, gentle sex. After the video, we had wonderful sex. I was so moved that I wept but he retained none of it. It you ask him today, he will tell you that I didn't like it and wouldn't do it again. I've suggested that he read Passionate Marriage. He started it but said he didn't like it.

I love the idea that you can change a person's relationship with you by changing yourself but I sure have not been able to figure out how to do it in this situation.

The kids and I are doing just fine with the separation. We are living with my parents which is close quarters but my Dad is very helpful with the kids. My mom is disabled so it means I am available to help him with her.

We are back in the same community where we used to live so the kids already had friends and lots of family here. Both kids are doing great in school.

They do miss their Dad. I know that they have enjoyed having him here the past week.

I miss having a partner to parent with but he hasn't been much of a partner for at least the last three years. At times, I miss his company.

Financially we are doing OK. He hasn't been much help but living with my parents we don't have a lot of expenses. I haven't made too big a deal out of it as it appears that he is using the extra income to pay down his debts. I am fairly certain the only way I will change that situation is to file and have the court order him to support his kids.

So there we are. Thanks for listening.

Neverland

[Lillieperl]

I'm sure any one of us here would agree that sex every seven days is quite reasonable and hardly burning up the sheets.

I know that something different is possible. He had a video once that we watch together that advocated for more mutual, gentle sex. After the video, we had wonderful sex. I was so moved that I wept but he retained none of it. It you ask him today, he will tell you that I didn't like it and wouldn't do it again.

This is sweet... it almost makes me cry to read it...

Was that the only time he was more gentle?

Why do you suppose he is so aggressive?

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but he sounds very angry. Is he angry at things in general?

It's certainly very broad-minded of you to take him back after encounters with prostitutes and everything...

I'm hoping others will join this discussion. Your sitch has me stumped.

[InherJourney]

Hi Neverland... My H would get defensive and inflexible regarding sex because he was trying to cover up his own anxiety. The only way this changed is when he was finally able to acknowledge his own stuff instead of tossing it onto me. I had to figure out what I wanted and assert myself. It sounds like you are being bamboozled by your H to accept a kind of sex you don't like. You are already separated...what is stopping you from really standing your ground?

[Neverland]

How did you get your H to drop his defensiveness, work on his own stuff and listen to what you need? I've tried to tell him what I need and that hasn't worked. We haven't been together since April. This week I tried kissing him to see if we might start again. He went from my gentle kiss to a tongue-thrusting face-scratching mash immediately. Clearly leaving him didn't make an impression.

Thanks for your post. It is nice to hear from someone who has a similar experience.

Neverland