How about that? Paul beat me on the locked thread of Laughings, that's usually my place getting in the last word. Paul, don't apologize for your thoughts. While you may be correct that some may not now understand what your write, that doesn't mean they won't in the future. We continually evolve and understand new things, we are all learning every day. (some days we leap forward, other days we are a bug on the windshield thanks to other folks) It's been a long time since I put my own post out here, and maybe doesn't belong here, but maybe over in survivors. But this is intended to help out the newbies It's been about 3.5 years post bomb, 2.5 + since the D and I haven't talked to the x w since the day of the big D. Multiple factors as to why 1) she couldn't carry a conversation, very litterally; no use trying when someone is not in a "conversation" i.e. no rational thought present 2) oldest stepson (hers) had threaten to kill me if I ever did talk to his mom (continuing his manipulative tendency) 3) several doctors said it was not worth the effort as "there is nobody home to talk to" That's the short summation of depressive menopausal MLC. Since then I've sat on the curb on occasion (I've gotten my own life) and watch her zoom by. Weight goes up and down, appearance goes from "bag lady" to well kept, "teenage clothes" to appropriate for her age. $s go through her hands like wet sand on the beach with the tides. Every now and then I get calls from "bill collectors" asking for her. Mail shows up in my maibox addressed to her, with her married to me name from places that have opened in the last year. Registrations and warranty offers for new appliances and autos she's recently bought show up in my mailbox - in her married to me name with my address. No, the credit cards have long ago been cut up and changed, the bank accounts long ago have been split up. Over and done with before the D. Her former best friend moved in with me in May (platonic relationship, that's all). "I know there are two sides to every relationship or marriage that breaks up, but after listening to your xw on several ocassions - I dont need to hear yours". Quote the former best friend of my xw. I have a nice realtionship with an "old" friend that's coming along very nicely. I knew when xw hit menopause at 42 things might get a little rough. I wasn't prepared for it nor the rest of the life stressors that hit her all within a short period of time, nor was she. Every day, I still pray for her and hope God will guide and protect her. But, my life moves on, and it gets better every day. I wake with a smile, I go to bed with a smile. Those of you that are new to the MLC experience, you have my prayers and my sympathy. It's OK to have faith, to be patient, to stand for a marriage. I did, I don't regret it. But at the same time, you must build your own life without the MLC spouse. You don't know how this will turn out. I didn't when this happened. I did have the fortunate experience, to talk face to face with many people that have been though this. 50% came through OK in the end, although some took several years,. Other spouses moved on and got a life, when the MLCer finally woke up - too late. As I look back 3.5 years back, I still remember very warm embraces and other physical things that conflicted with what was coming out of some one's mouth by day, and their actions by night, in sleep, in subconscious. That was my first hint that something was not right with my MLCer. The BB has been a great comfort over the years, and has helped me understand. Paul/M Go Blue, Snodderly, Laughing, well, the list goes on, great folks here. And the newbies that post, that helps us "old timers", we learn everyday. Thank you all. A new year begins. May it bring to you, all that you pray and wish for.
Thanks so much for your post. It helps so much to see someone on the other side of the mountain. Doing so well! I am so happy for you.
I myself am preparing for the big D....as it has been impending on the horizon. Just recently, I have really "gotten" the power of unleashing myself from all of this. I fear that if I tie myself in any way, any longer, to this madness, I may forever lose my sense of "normal" again. And, for once, my own well-being is MORE important than my M or H.
It's amazing to see how far we come through this, day by day, year by year. I've been at this about 15 months....and I see so much change. In me. I don't even count the change in H anymore. Just in me. That's nice.
Thank you so much for coming back here to help so many of us with your update and kind words.
I've been reading and intrigued by your posts on Laughing's thread.....
I have come onto these same thoughts, on my own and through a wonderful movie recently about Quantum Physics....."What the Bleep Do We Know" about the world of infinite possibility, all existing at the same time. It's great, and if you haven't already seen it, please do.
I think it should be required watching for ALL LBS's of MLCers. And just for life in general. The concept is amazing, and one that we all know from within. It's empowering.....knowing that ultimately, you shape your life, and that you have choices, moment to moment. It certainly has affected how I view MY end of my H's MLC. I DO NOT have to sit and experience it. I CAN get up and go. Move. Live. Fully.
Thank you, and so many others here, ahead of many of the rest of us, for showing us the path on the other side.
And I thank you for the acknowledgement. In fifteen months? that's wonderful. It took me much longer to get there. It took me a bit longer to understand what was being told to me by her docs, her own family,I suppose I was hanging on a bit too long, and should have started to move along much sooner, but that was me. I must confess, I nearly "lost it", but didn't by a thread. I should have "let go" a lot sooner. My error. You are about to face some diffulct times, and I empathize. What kept me going was welcoming into my life another person, not because I NEEDED them , but because I liked to share life experiences with another person and to welcome their perspective on day to day things. That pretty well worked out until .... Rejection. Strike 2. Took a while to get back to that mind set, welcoming, not needing. Once I did, behold, there was another that understood the same, "I don't NEED you in my life, but if you would like to share yours and mine, that's great". And it is. There is life for the left behinds. I guess we find each other, the "left behinds". When we do, we already understand. It makes for a nice welcoming hug for starters. "Fun" evening this last evening. X1 dropping off DD at my house, I thanked her for having me over for dinner last night for Christmas, she leaned over, gave me a big hug and a peck on the cheek! 14 years since the last one. Life goes on. Make sure yours does.
Great new digs you have here! I like it. It's a fine place for acknowledging progressive movement... especially when stepping forward has been so positive.
I see you have added some new stuff... I'm still pondering the estate mail, but haven't come to a logical conclusion yet, but I bet time will tell us exactly what is going on there. `
I have the next couple of days off, so I'll be by a bit more frequently. Of course, I plan on spending a lot of time with the kids too, as long as they are home with me... but then again, they may choose to see their father too.
I'm kicking back, and trying to make the most of what I have right now.
Yup, looks good Batty! Keep up the good work.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
I watched 'What the BLeep..." Unfortunately my DVD player is poor quality or the rented DVD was overused...but I've had issues with my player...though until yesterday, only with rented material.
I recommend along with "What the Bleep..." The Secret
Holiday wishes for a wonderful new year to all of you amazing vets on this thread. You don't know all of us. We all know you. We have lurked and learned as you journaled your life. Many of us have been not too far behind in our own journey, and perhaps our own D.
I understand not speaking to the alien post D. Maybe one day. But why? What is there to say ... too bad for you?!!! No need. We all know the score. Now for that hard part. Moving on with a real life. One that includes quality time with someone that understands what we have been through, if not why.
The journals of the wise ones say that on the other end of mlc we find true unconditional love. I am ready for that. Yes, I had it, although it did include very fine print covering the MLClause; or the escape clause. Now to find that person who not only knows they are ok, and not destroyed by a spouses mlc, but also that they are ok and not going to have their own struggle with their own life stage transition.
I hope you all find your destiny in life and all the love it brings.
Hey Snowdog!!! You going to Denver to play in the white stuff? Good luck getting a flight in there now.
Good to see your still around, and as L says, you've got to give us an update, feel free to step on the thread!
Was2Sad, the reason for any communication after this long a period of time , would be to fill in the holes, smooth over the wounds inflicted by someone that has been in MLC and hopefully came out of the tunnel.
That's one reason, not for me anymore, but for some, very important.
For me, it would be to see if that person you were involved with, shared a life with,loved, be it for a few years or decades, finally got out on the other end of the tunnel and turned out OK. It's the unanswered question.
Did they make it through MLC or did they get stuck? Are they somewhere in between yet?
No one would be here on this BB if they were just ticked off to the point they didn't care anymore, be it about the former, the now walk away,the soon to be, "can I fix it", whatever the sitch.
Years ago I expressed the viewpoint it was far easier to get so angry at them, that you just didn't care at all, and found the first set of inviting arms and you moved on with that invitation.
Very simple.
Cut and dry.
But anybody on the BB knows it's not that simple for us.
That's why we came to the DB boards. To try. To learn. To understand what someone else significant to us was going through.
Some of us made it, some of us packed it in, some are still waiting and DBing.
But, that question arises how the other turned out only if you cared,even if it is now a small tiny caring.
Only if you spent the time here, trying to figure it out (and yourself) would you want to know the answer to the question, and the only way of finding out, is to communicate in some manner with that person.
For some it is "closure". For others it is to see if there is any chance of putting it back together.
For me, it is being curious.
Why do I still get stuff in my mailbox for this person that is out of my life for years, yet it is obvious this person is going out of their way (or it at least appears so) to make sure I get stuff addressed to her in their married name at my address? Why do I get phone calls for her, when it is obvious she has used her married to me name and my phone number?
This is not crank stuff, these are legitimate pieces of mail, business calls, and sometimes of recent and important communications.
So, that's why, the question , why?
Is this an attempt to see who can be more stubborn in not making a call or sending an email?
It would be typical of her personality, she was always stubborn as could be. (But that was one of the reasons I loved her)
I just stick it in an envelope and and send it along with no comment. That's me.
I've gotten a life.
I don't have time for games.
I did find someone, or I should say rediscovered.
We've been both through it with our formers. We understand it , don't have to explain it to each other, we already know what we've been through. Saves a lot of time.
And we already know what unconditional love is all about because of our experiences.
You raised a point about just that, unconditional love.
Where do you find it?
I can't give you GPS. Nor Can anyone else.
But I can tell you, the folks I have had face to face with over the years that have been through this MLC thing -
50% or better found unconditional love with - of all people - the person that went through MLC they stuck by and rode it out.
Go figure.
Or, He is kind enough to take the time, to arrange things, get them in order so you can meet someone else that has been through this and already understands it. (I've heard that story many times also)
May His peace be upon you and yours.
Be patient. He's working on it.
