Still on the journey 2

[princess_nic]

AMD - Good to hear from you. When are you going to update your thread?

ISLH -

I've been sitting here trying to think what you did that could've made him react this way but it baffles me.

Here's my explanation:

1. I told him off (nicely)

2. I sat far from him

3. I gave him a pretty impersonal card: "Have a great birthday and year. Best wishes, Nicola"

Really, I think it's just a pursuit/distance thing. Thanks for your support re. my distancing. It really is better for me right now.

I do see hope. Do not give up. He will peek outside the cave now and then and may also retreat but as long as he's still peeking, he will eventually realize that life is so much brighter outside the cave.

Thanks for this. I needed it tonight.

Keyster -

Wow, a voice from the past! Thanks for stopping by.

From what I have read, of your sitch, it seems to me that you are still reacting to what your H does or does not do. You still hold on to expectations when you should just let them go.

Yes, this is true. I am still having a hard time with this, but it's getting better. The thing about letting go of expectations, is that I actually find that when I do that, I end up expecting the worst (like, he's late again, of course). It makes me negative. I need to find the middle ground here.

He is obviously still drinking and has not worked on his own issues...Your H has deeper issues that only he knows about and only he can deal with them.

He has actually been working on them; he's still in therapy. But yes - I can't do anything for him except be compassionate.

Let him go so that at least you can move forward in your life.

I am moving forward, albeit at a slower pace than you are. I am not ready to stop Standing for my M. I am not divorced and, perhaps if that happens, I will move on definitively. But it hasn't happened, and there's no guarantee that it will.

AK, I know that your heart is in the right place, but I find this post very negative. I'm glad for you that you've found happiness in your post-divorce life, but the answer is not the same for all of us.

Tomorrow is my baptism! Better get to bed.

[Daisy123]

Nicola - I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and congratulations (if that is the right word?) on your baptism. How wonderful to do it on the first day of a new year.

May 2007 bring you all the happiness you deserve.

[Keyster43]

Nicola,

Sorry...I did not intend to sound or be negative. Let me try and clarify a little better. In no way am I suggesting that you give up. After all that is entirely up to you. As I have found out you just cant expect/force someone to change. They must do it themselves. It was once I stopped doing this that things began to get much better for me. Sure what works for me will/may not work for others. I am just giving you one option from many. What I am saying in general is that you need to enjoy YOU for YOU and no one else. Your H has made a choice to be apart from your family for the time being. He has to choose to come back. Yes be compassionate as long as you deem your H worthy of your compassion. However, as long as things remain the same you will be in a rut with no way out. By simply letting go you prepare yourself for that eventuality; a life without your H. Try to find happiness alone and you will never fear being alone. Sure it would be great if your H jumped on the boat with you, but as I warned 1.5 years ago, this could take a long time. Call this negative if you will but I prefer to call it being realistic.

True...I never imagined I would get to where I am today, nor do I know where I will be tomorrow. This I can tell you...I am so much better off now. I have shown myself that I can attract the type of lady I am looking for. I now know I can be happy as a single person. I would like to have a long-term R and eventually get married. I am no hurry and I will not settle for less this time as I did in the past. One thing I will not tolerate is meddling inlaws or anyone else for that matter. Ciao and Happy New Year again!

AK

[Matilda2]

Another flash from your past, Nicola. Have to catch up again. Just wanted to wish you a happy 2007!
Matilda

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Nicola
I want to wish you all the best for your baptism today. This is an exciting time for you and know that your hope and faith will be renewed and stronger than ever. This is a great way to end what has been a difficult year and an even better way to begin the new year. You are truly an inspiration and an amazing person, don't ever doubt that.

Here's my explanation:
1. I told him off (nicely)
2. I sat far from him
3. I gave him a pretty impersonal card: "Have a great birthday and year. Best wishes, Nicola"

Really, I think it's just a pursuit/distance thing. Thanks for your support re. my distancing. It really is better for me right now.

I would have to agree that when you distance yourself he does seem to be more comfortable. That being the case, you know what to do and hopefully it helps you to stay detached for now.

I am not ready to stop Standing for my M. I am not divorced and, perhaps if that happens, I will move on definitively. But it hasn't happened, and there's no guarantee that it will.

I am so glad you are still Standing.


Wishing you nothing but the best in 2007. Lots of love to you,



Thread #6 - Preparing for a New Year & New Beginning

[princess_nic]

AK -

By simply letting go you prepare yourself for that eventuality; a life without your H. Try to find happiness alone and you will never fear being alone. Sure it would be great if your H jumped on the boat with you, but as I warned 1.5 years ago, this could take a long time. Call this negative if you will but I prefer to call it being realistic.

Thanks for clarifying. You are right, and that is what I am working on. This is taking way longer than I thought it would, but I am doing my best to just move ahead in my life. Some times are worse than others--and this holiday season has been harder than I expected--but mostly I'm doing well.

I would like to have a long-term R and eventually get married. I am no hurry and I will not settle for less this time as I did in the past.

I feel the same way. I'm actually glad all this happened in a way b/c my M was so much less than it could/should have been. Hopefully, we will reconcile, and WHEN we do(!), we will have a much better M because I won't accept less.

Happy NY to you too!

ISLH ~

I want to wish you all the best for your baptism today. This is an exciting time for you and know that your hope and faith will be renewed and stronger than ever. This is a great way to end what has been a difficult year and an even better way to begin the new year.

Thank you! It went really well. I will post more below.

You are truly an inspiration and an amazing person, don't ever doubt that.

This really means a lot to me; thank you for saying that.

My baptism
What an amazing experience! I had to write a little 3-minute speech, which I was pretty nervous about, but I came up with something. A lot of people complimented me afterwards, saying that I spoke very well, and they liked what I said. I guess doing public speaking every day at work helps!

There were 12 of us getting baptised, and I knew 3 others. Some people's little talks went on for more like 10 minutes, so the service took a lot longer an intended! But they were all so interesting to listen to.

After I gave my speech, I got into the big tub, and my pastor said a prayer for me about how I've been through difficult times, and asking God to keep working on me and helping me. Then he baptised me, and when I came up, I was just filled with so much emotion and happiness. It was wonderful! I'm so glad I did it. I'm also so very happy that I found this church; they are just a wonderful group of friends now.

H, of course, wasn't there, although he asked how it went. I don't know if he really knew how important a day it was for me. Even if he did, I think he would have felt too guilty to be there. He just cannot set foot in a church anymore (not that he was a big church-goer before). My parents and my brother came, though, and my children were there.

Some of the testimonies were incredibly sad. A lot of drugs, alcoholism, depression. Here is one I thought a lot of us could relate to:

A man talked about how he was very unhappy in his life and ended up having an A. He left his wife, son and infant daughter (he choked up with he said this), and went to live with ow. Typical of MLC [my words], he chose someone who made him very unhappy. He said it was a toxic R and he just felt worse and worse, but stayed with her for SIX YEARS! Finally, just this past spring, he prayed to God to show him what to do about this R, and he said God really does answer prayers and has a sense of humour: a week later, he found out she was cheating on him! He did what he could to salvage the R, but it wasn't going to happen, so they split up at the end of the summer.

He said that since then, he's been coming to church and getting closer to God. He's so sorry for all the things he's done, and he's trying to rebuild his life in a better, healthier way.

He said that his family never stopped praying for him--his mother (sitting behind us), brothers, sisters-in-law--and he finally came to God.

The really sad part is that it took the guy 6 years to realize that his R with ow was not the answer. He didn't say anything about XW, but she wasn't there. The kids were, though.

I'm certainly not advocating waiting 6 freakin' years!!! But still, here's a man who was just desperate, and extremely unhappy in his new R, even though it went on for so many years. I'm sure his XW had no idea how bad his life was.

What a story. I do hope that my H gets to that point someday. He is so unhappy, even when it seems like he's not. He just gets so irritated by the smallest things. And then the drinking. Anyway, there's still hope!

Happy 2007 everyone!

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Nicola...

Then he baptised me, and when I came up, I was just filled with so much emotion and happiness. It was wonderful! I'm so glad I did it.

I can really feel how amazing the experience of the baptism was for you. It must have given you a sense of renewed hope and faith and I know that since I've returned to church on a regular basis, I feel that every time I leave.

The story about the man who left his wife - I almost feel that was God's message to you and God sent you to share the same message to the rest of us here.

When I prayed last night, I asked God to tell me what to do. I think I got my answer. Don't give up Nicola as I won't.

Your H is so unhappy right now but he needs to figure this out, working through all the 6 stages of MLC.

I am crying right now but I think they are tears of hope and joy.

[lovingme]

Such wonderful posts to come and read on the first day of 2007. I am so happy for you. I have never been a regular church goer and I often think about finding a church to go to. I worry though about people judging me. It is silly to think that way but I can't help it.

The story of the man taking 6 years to realize what he had done is amazing. Here I am thinking I have been at this one year and I feel no closer to saving my marriage then I did when I first came here. God has his own plan for us and his own time table. We just gotta wait it out.

Much love and here is to a happy 2007

[Jeff223]

N-
You sound so very strong and wonderful. Congrats on the baptism - I know it was a big event you will remember always.

I will pray you achieve your dreams in 2007 on the path God will lay before you.

[yellowrose]

Nicola

Wonderful!!!! What an amazing time for you! I am glad that you have found these wonderful people and church. You are doing so good working on yourself and getting stronger every day. God is there and working. My prayers are with you.

Y