Thanks for your encouragement. It's hard to feel so rejected and alone. Right now he has chosen OW instead of me and it hurts so deep. He doesn't seem to care or even undersdtand how it's killing me. How can he be so callous and insensitive. Where is his compassion? I need to accept that he does not want me. I guess I need to just get that thought through my head and let go.
Thanks Y for responding to me. I feel so hopeless. H has chosen OW and a life without me. H wants to be my friend and still wants to hang out with me and famiy but wants to go back to other life after. I just don't know if I can do this much longer. I love it when H is here but feel so devastated everytime he leaves.
AH, I hope your Christmas was good. It's a hard time and my heart goes out to everyone here who is enduring this pain and lonliness. I'm trying to be patient and look for little positive signs but with OW in the picture I'm afraid I'm loosing H for good. I'm so scared. Everyone here seems to be encouraging and says that it will get better, some a little better each day but I feel so bad most of the time. I'm trying to hang in there even if it's only by a thread. My friends and family think I am wasting my time and giving up all my dignity working the DB principles. I want to have faith...
Quote: He doesn't seem to care or even understand how it's killing me. How can he be so callous and insensitive. Where is his compassion? I need to accept that he does not want me.
No, you do not. I promised to never even consider that Sweetheart didn't love or want me.
What you need to accept is the process of MLC.
He does see or feel that this is killing you. MLCers are not immune to pain...rather they are hypersensitive, so much so that they block it out because the burden is to great. He MUST block it out right now, he has his own personal pains, and he can't even handle those right now.
He is in Replay. Replay is the stage where the MLCers runs from the pain. The OW, new friends, alcohol etc are all self-medicating techniques used to avoid the pain of the next stage which is Depression/Liminality.
Replay brings in the fog. This fog is an MLC requirement, and like Depression, it serves a purpose. He MUST go through this; it is unavoidable. But no one in their right mind would do these things...thus fog.
At the same time, he is not Insane and is accountable for his actions. But he is confused; sometimes he will be aware of this and others not. Because there is a reason for bad behaviour does not make it excusable.
I know this is tough...but forget about what your friends and family say. This is about what you want...not what they think you should want. They will think you are in denial.
Faith is NOT denial. Denial is when you go in without the facts or are dismissive of the facts. Denial is about not accepting.
To get through this Acceptance of the MLC process is a requirement. That is not acceptance that he won't come back. It is acceptance that he will have an OW and THINK he won't come back. It is acceptance that he will cycle, spew venom, treat you like a fish and bait you into arguments and anger.
As for getting better. What will get better is YOU. You will change and grow, find inner strength and peace...and it may take awhile. What will not get better right away is your MLCer and your relationship with him. That will first get worse. He MUST continue through the MLC tunnel, and to do that he has to go deeper in and farther away. In the beginning the light at the tunnel's entrance offers some clarity. As the go farther it becomes darker and darker. Since this is a rollercoaster there will be dips...great highs, great lows and periods of steady nothing. Prepare yourself emotionally for this...and learn to detach from the emotional rollercoaster without detaching from the person.
For more about cake-eating, go to Cinderellaman's thread. I posted about cake-eating on their yesterday.
