tyler, sounds like you are getting great support here and advice, and that's also why I am on, --thinking like most of us, to hang in there, and keep getting stronger.
your question on rings, reminded me of my own sitch. H and I both removed our rings,even before our S, we did not wear them daily, but did when we went out. We both have jobs where any jewelry can interfere. But when H & I seperated, his wedding ring sitting alone in his jewelry box really hurt me to see. I inserted my own ring into his, and let them sit together in my jewelry box. But I never did mention his taking it off---thinking it would be another huge R issue. It was obvious that while we were seperated H would not wear it, but It was very comforting to me to see them resting together quietly. good luck
Good/bad morning. We went to the gym and then to breakfast. Everything was going pretty well. Then she started to talk about a situation with her sister. She began to vent to me about people saying things about her and the time she spends hanging out with her single friend. I tried to ride it out but I messed up in defending her sister. I told her that the difference is her sister is single, so they aren't upset that she is spending time with someone other than her husband, which is why her family was upset with her. They are upset with her sister because they don't want her to rush in to anything with this new guy. Totally different situation.
It started to heat up, I tried to back off, change the topic and get away from that topic. She kept getting more and more angry and upset about it.
She is gone now to take S14 to the doctor. I'm getting ready to head out to work. I'm going to try to stay dark today, no calls, let her calls go to VM. Just hoping that in giving her lots of space today it will allow things to cool.
I asked about LRT earlier in my thread, I just don't know how to go about it or if its even warranted and will be affective given that we live together. So staying unavailable today is the closest I can get to LRT.
She is so full of anger, resentment and hurt towards me right now. In the midst of her venting about the situation with her family she said, I've always been a good friend to everyone and that is most likely all I will be able to be to you, I'm gone but I will still be your friend.
God that hurt. I had to fight to keep myself still and not pursue this issue.
I don't know how well I did, I feel like I messed up. I walked into the house and just had to tell God that I still believe, my faith doesn't waver, he will fix this and we will have a better R then we ever thought possible.
Tyler, I don't have any advice, but am writing to let you know I read your posts almost daily, and am thinking of you while you go thru this difficult phase in your R.
Thanks for sharing the DR Do's and Dont's. They seem like great advice for those of us going thru a R crisis.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
After the morning, I didn't know where to go other than back off and let things cool. I called to talk to the kids and let her know I was going to help her sister with some things around the house.
I get to work and open my work e-mail. Received an e-mail from her with attachments. She shared with me some things she has written recently. I am floored to say the least. She quit sharing things with me over the last year because she said she could no longer trust me. I'm reading the words she sent and they are deep. She said its about her and her relationship with God through all the things she is dealing with. Amazing writing, deep thought provoking, and resonates. I know so many people that would read this and find so much to speak to them.
Anywhoo, inside I'm jumping up and down, I would be on the outside except I'm in the office.
This has got to be a good sign right? How could it not be? I asked her recently if she had written anything new and it really pushed a hot button with her. She made it clear that she did not want to share anything with me because she can't trust me to not take it the wrong way or confront her about something that I think might be about our R.
And then today, I log on and there it is.
God is faithful. DB'ing works. Every time there is an issue, its directly related to lack of patience on my part.
So now I will compose myself long enough to respond to her e-mail, without overdoing it. I definitely don't want to scare her off.
Still keeping my PMA going. Getting better at it actually. I had to leave very early this morning, she walked to the door with me, we hugged and she gave me a couple of quick kisses before I left.
You know this is the danger area. Because I want so bad for everything to be great, and that passion that I know she has to be mine again, that for a second as I left I started to slide downhill, thinking when will I ever get there. I felt like my mom was sending me off to school, quick hug and a peck with a have a nice day. The good thing is I almost instantly snapped out of that negative thought before it began the cascade that has occurred in the past.
I began to thank God for the babysteps. To be mindful of the things Michele writes about in DR, not to push, to give space, to cheerlead and to take note of the babysteps and be grateful for each one.
By the time I got to my car I was back on the PMA track, feeling great about the progress that has been made and moving forward with my day, knowing that good things are in store.
In the DB category, I have really been thinking a lot about the words, 'man of faith'. What that means, how to get there, how to pleases God, how to work on the parts of me that still doubt. I believe, help my unbelief type thing. I know I will get there, no one just becomes faith filled but sometimes working out how to get there from here is pretty difficult.
Or maybe I'm making it harder than it needs to be. Maybe it is, just believe.
One thing came to me yesterday. I was in the shower and just thinking about all I the damage I have done. I'm watching the water and I started to remember the story of the prophet that took on the priests of Baal. He poured water and more water on his sacrifice. Making it seem impossible for God to do anything. Yet God did anyway and it made God's work even more impressive.
I've done a lot of damage yet that is just making the work God is doing even more impressive.
A good day again. I'm so thankful for the changes that are occurring and the changes yet to come. I'm really working on me, intensely. I have come to value the tenet of DB'ing, which is, fix yourself first and the relationship will follow.
I don't know where she is regarding our R. I haven't asked and I won't. I know where I am. I love her unconditionally. I'm committed to keeping our family together.
Someone once said to me, "what would you tell your S14 if he asked you what he should do in the same circumstances?" I told them what I would say, but then I had to think the opposite is true as well, what would my son say to me?
I know he would say, stay and work it out. I know my children do not want to be without either one of us. I have to do my part. If I am the man I am supposed to be, I will be a great father and husband.
By faith, in faith, through faith. No other way has worked for me previously.
Last night she went out with her friend. I called at 1130PM to ask if she knew when she was leaving because my D9 and D5 had fallen asleep in our bed. I didn't want to move them until the last moment, they looked so peaceful. She was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said everything. Okay. She didn't want to talk, wanted off the phone. Okay.
She gets home and starts to talk about how she isn't going to be what I want. How she isn't going to say anything or do anything if she doesn't mean it. (I'm assuming that is in reference to ILY, ML, any type of affection). Okay. I listened. It hurt. I did tell her that one thing she was saying wasn't completely correct, that it was a miscommunication. Hopefully that is cleared up. I don't know. She was still upset this morning/today. I am at an impasse. I made the mistake of telling her today that I know this will work out. Our M/R will make it, she insisted that she will not change the way she feels, that she never has no matter how hard she has tried. She also said she is tired, its exhausting to keep trying. I didn't know what to say to that. I did say, you have tried but I wasn't doing my part so of course your feelings towards me aren't going to change. She kept insisting that nothing I or she does is going to change her. She said she can't go another year feeling like this, I told her I understand and she won't. That I've changed and so she won't feel this way because the things that caused her to feel this way won't be there.
I tried to just validate and diffuse things. She really just wanted to say how much she isn't going to change, how she has tried and no matter what she has done, change hasn't come.
I kept reminding myself to not believe anything she is saying right now.
It absolutely sucked. I'm exhausted, seriously. I could go to sleep right now and not wake up until Monday morning. This really does take a lot of effort. The hard part is knowing that she is not doing anything on her part to change the way she feels.
She also said that the thought of feeling this way in 5 years is not acceptable. Even in 1 year, she doesn't want to feel this way. I wanted to say, you know Rs take work, so we might never feel perfect, we will be in a better place, but we can never sit still. I didn't. I really wanted to because it feels like she just wants everything handed to her without effort. I could be wrong. I didn't ask, I wanted to but I let it slide.
Strange days. The strangest thing is we are getting ready for my D11's b-day party tomorrow afternoon. After that we are attending one of my co-workers going away party. I thought the weekend was going to be a fun, easy going time. Party to party, lots of fun, laughter and hanging out.
I hate to think this has anything to do with her friend, the SSA, or biased shoulder..., but I can't help it. Its a really odd coincidence, ie; time with friend before friend goes out of town, then meltdown. Hmmm.
The strange day continues. She called, I wasn't able to answer. She left a message saying, "I just don't feel towards you the way a wife..., I should feel towards you".
What the heck? I just don't know what to do with this one. Its like she is in some sort of spiral or something.
Tyler, What happens when you say it? That should determine your strategy at this time. Is she receptive to it? Does she want to hear it from you at this time? Does it promote positives in the conversation?
You will need to accept the reality of your situation at this time. Don't say it to create an illusion that you two are closer than you are. Don't say it to create an illusion of security in your own mind, or as a means of countering your anxiety about the R. Say it because she receives it in a positive manner, and returns it with positive behaviors.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
