Hello, This is my first post and I will try to keep this brief. My H was cheating on me for a year. I was suspicious and asked him to end the R with OW for a long time. Our own PR was non-existent for 9 months. I have enabled our R financially for years and started asking for him to help me. He did not think I supported him anymore when I would not give him money. He continually lied to me all those months and eventually moved out when I confronted him with real proof. He had not filed for divorce and said that he still wanted to be married all the while seeing the OW after he left. A month after leaving, the OW ended the R and now he won't leave me alone. He wants me to immediately forgive, have a Physical R and pick up where we left off. I see so many issues with our R as it is plain unhealthy. He has been suicidal, pleading forgiveness and actually had our 16D lie for him when he was spending time with the OW children awhile back. In addition, the OW contacted my older daughters to try and start a relationship with them right before she ended their R. I do not feel there is anything left. I don't feel love and mistrust him on so many levels. He has used the kids, only committed fully to our M when the OW was gone, sometimes threatens suicide and continually texts me, calls and asks me for dates. I have asked for space yet he wants a hug every time we see each other when exchanging kids. I don't want to lead him on and feel that he needs to be a healthy individual before we can even have a healthy marriage. Isn't is unusual that the cheater is the one pleading for the marriage? I now go out with friends and have a good job so I can be strong. I feel that I need to be strong for the kids and not pressure them in any way. Also, he still is not taking full responsibility for the affair. He says that he made mistakes but that I bear some responsibility for the reasons he had the affair. Sorry, but that was his choice and I have been faithful for 20+ years. I paid most of the bills, cleaned the house while he was able to play quite a bit so I felt justified in asking for help. Shouldn't a cheater be completely humble? What does it mean when you say full responsibility? He just makes me responsible for his happiness and I just can't do it anymore. I am done!
sounds like you paid your dues. you don't have to do anything you don't want to. you already proved you can do it by yourself and life without the added stress from a cheating selfish spouse is totally unneeded..
It was ironic but the OW was going to help H financially too. It would have been an easy transition for my H until the OW ended it. I guess an A and switching Ws was much easier then getting a job and working a marriage. I allowed things to happen by enabling him quite a bit but now truly want a partner not a dependent. Fortunately, he is in counseling and hopefully will become a confident, self-sufficent person on his own.
Hi.... I somewhat understand your hard times as my husband just left me for another.... I am new at this and am not sure to be on track but I strongly believe that evreything happens for a reason... I am now seeing a bit clearer and realize that maybe just maybe I was doing to much to take care of everything and stopped taking care of myself. Which in turn somewhat made him shut off... He told me a few times before leaving me to GET A LIFE ... maybe that was a sign... actually I am sure it was. This other woman had a life and knew exactly what she wanted. Now that he has left I am pretty sure you have started to take care of yourself and that may be very attractive to him... I find my husband being debalance by my looking and feeling good. I too am real hurt by what he has done.. and have a hard time with the trust business... but try to remember all the good times before all the hurt came.... and seriously I do have some hope that things will improve and that maybe just maybe he will wake and say ... goodness what in th world am I doing.... but if he does come back one thing is for sure I will not forget who I am and what I want. My dreams are not his and vice versa... but I strongly believe that even though he seems to think grass is greener on the other side maybe just maybe he will realize that grass is grass and our grass has a history that is worth fighting for and trying to get it back in shape... even if it is yellow at the moment. Turning the page is hard... I still cry every day... however I know that dwelling in his life and in the past only makes matters worse... if he comes back it going to be a new start... I even told him if he comes back I want a new ring!! So I hope you find the help you need... and the answer you need... I gather that if you are here its cause you do still care and think you can save this marriage.... I wish you lots of luck!!
Me 31 H 36 2 kids (D2,D4) Status: enjoying my life all by my big self!!!;) "Life is short eat desert first!!"
Quote: Also, he still is not taking full responsibility for the affair. He says that he made mistakes but that I bear some responsibility for the reasons he had the affair.
that is a big red flag. I do believe an A is a symptom arising from bigger turmoils in an A, but there is just no way he should have the nerve to say "you made me do it."
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hello, thanks so much for all the support. I agree. How could I possibly forgive him if he keeps trying to blame me for part of the affair. It took a long time for him to admit the PA although he admitted the EA right away. I just don't think we can reconcile. Truly, I feel like he would be with the OW if she had not dumped him. I am second choice. The funny thing was that he actually asked me in August, when I was suspicious but did not have proof, if he could go camping with our kids and her and her kids. She would stay in a motel and he would stay in a camp trailor. Can you believe that he thought this was acceptable?? Do people just get confident that the 'friends' excuse will really work? How outrageous!!
I think at this point, you need to heal yourself, from all the cr@p he has put you through. Then, if he has proven himself trustworthy, responsible, and a real man, you might consider taking him back, if you feel you still care enough for him. IMHO, from what I read in your posts, he's a long way off being worth bothering about.
Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I saw parts of the Keith Ablow show that aired in my time zone today. It was interesting that he says that an Affair can sometimes make people face the real issues in a marriage and truly result in a greater relationship. He does not condone affairs but say it can be an opportunity. Interesting perspective. What is ironic about my situation is that past the affair, when I look at our relationship, it started to unravel because I was trying to get better. I asked for help financially, I stopped rescuing him and he felt I did not support him. He used that as the excuse for the affair. I also don't like how he used our kids during the difficult year and he was discussing the situation with our D16. It is a mess but I admire and encourage people to work it out. If they are both truly committed to resolving the issues all the more power to them. My H wants me back to rescue him, shoulder the responsibility and simply does not give unconditional love. I really don't think he loves me. He needs me. He is afraid of the unknown. Good luck to all. I hope your situations are different.
So I hope you find the help you need... and the answer you need... I gather that if you are here its cause you do still care and think you can save this marriage.... I wish you lots of luck!!