I guess I am ready to start a new thread. A lot has gone on the last few months, and I have posted here, and there, but I haven't had the time or energy to keep up with a thread of my own.
Although linking my old threads here would be beneficial, I think I will leave them off, because I feel like I'm not just entering a new chapter, but the second volume in my trilogy. I want to keep them somewhat separated.
Long story short. I am 36, H is 42, S11, D12. My H started an A last December. The bomb was dropped at the end of January, he wanted a divorce, and didn't love me. We spent months going back and forth with him not backing down from wanting a D until early this fall when he started to have serious doubts.
After many ups and downs my H tentatively ended his A in Oct. I say tentatively, because he is still not sure if he wants to "work" on our marriage, or if he wants to go back to the OW. OW is 28, has a child under the age of 2, and she also lives out of town. Up until the first of November they worked together. My H has since changed jobs, mostly because of threats that she would get him fired if he broke up with her.
Current situation. H is still living somewhere else. He sees the kids a couple of times a week. He and I occasionally meet out, or he sleeps over. He is seeing a counselor, is on AD's, but still doesn't want to talk to me about getting back together.
I'm sure there are a lot of holes, I will try to fill in as I go along.
Question for you: with the contact you do have with your H (i.e., the meeting out, the sleepovers) what does HE seem to present to you as his idea of what you are both doing? In other words, does he talk about this behavior as just a friendship level situation? You said he doesn't want to discuss getting back together, but he has ended the affair and you do have this contact. So I'm just wondering what he thinks this is! Not to frustrate you, my friend, as I know these nutcases have driven us crazy in the past year. Just curious if your H has suggested this is just a friendship between the two of you. And as for the sleepovers...are these involving intimacy at all? Really curious about this. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It helps me to get asked questions like this. It is exactly why I decided to start posting again. My H will not label what we have, because as far as he is concerned, we have nothing. He is not "seeing, or talking to" anyone. I am his wife when he is here, but the minute he leaves, he is a free man. I guess if I asked him, he would probably say we were friends.
I think right now it is a loyalty issue with him. If he decides to go back to the OW, he will be able to say he wasn't working on his marriage. He does talk about his behavior, and even admits he is in MLC. Once in a while we touch on where he is at, he says he is just trying to find the answers, that he knows he won't be like this forever. I'm not so sure, I'm beginning to believe he could be like this forever.
As far as the overnights go, we have been intimate on a semi-regular basis since last summer. It has increased from maybe once every two or three weeks to once a week. That seems to be the one thing he can be constant about. Although, it is still no strings attached. I guess we are using each other a little bit. I use it just to feel close, he uses it for...well, I guess I'm not sure, other than the obvious reason. I guess I never understood how he could cheat on her, when he supposedly loves her so much.
I am finding it harder and harder to hang on. I have heard everything he has said this last week before, and yet nothing ever changes. I remember back in June when I thought this would end in July. Then I thought it would end in September, now December is almost over, and I am still waiting.
My GAL is still going strong. I go out with friends, but I admit, I am usually willing to change plans if he calls. I know that's bad, but I don't want to appear too busy, and have him run back to her, just because he had nothing to do one night.
I'm not sure I how I made it this far. I look back now, and can't believe what I put up with. I would say the end is near, but I said that already, back in July I think. The end is way off in the distance. I wish I knew a faster route, but I guess it's true what they say about it taking as long as it takes.
Lael, I've not read your original thread, so maybe I lack some perspective here.
My wife left in September after a suicide attempt. She had an affair in September with a 22 year old. She moved into her apartment in October, which is also when I found out that she was also in an ongoing R with an old boyfriend who lives 500 miles away (in our home state). Shortly after she moved into her apartment, I visited her one night and we wound up ML. When I left I felt dirty in some way, as W was different during our intimacy.
That didn't stop me from ML with her again about a week later. But again, there was something not right about it, though obviously I enjoyed being intimate with her.
Eventually I realized what was not right. My wife was also sleeping with another man. We were not husband and wife making love anymore, we were having sex. She wanted sex, I had a need for sex, and she was wanting to satisfy her need without making changes in her decisions. I realized that I could not do that anymore.
After two months now with no intimacy, by both our choices I believe now, I can't say that I wouldn't give in to the opportunity again. But a regular once a week time of intimacy? Especially without committment, with the OM still potentially hanging in the background? My guess is that if I thought about it, I'd find a desire to turn off the intimacy with wife, were we in your situation.
Just offering thoughts. I guess I wonder if your husband is doing a little cake eating right now. He is not prepared to say he's done with OW, but they are at least on hiatus right now. So now he's spending his time with you.
I guess if you feel like you're getting what you need from it, and you're comfortable with it, then it's cool for you. I'm not sure if I would be able to stay cool with it in my case.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks for your input. Yes, I know it's a slippery slope to be intimate with my H when he is not committed to me. And yes, we are not really making love, but just having sex. I guess the first time we did it, I did it to prove to myself, and to him, that I would be able to be with him again, even if he had been with another woman. I can't say that I didn't get some pleasure out of knowing the tables had been turned on the OW, and that she was the one being cheated on. I became the OW in his life.
I read one of Michele's articles on intimacy, and it really helped me with my decision. I will post a link to it if I can find it.
Lack of intimacy during the year before my H had his affair was an issue for us. It was probably one, if not the main reason he gave into temptation and started the A. I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened, but at the time we hadn't had sex in five months. He didn't feel any connection to me physically, so I think it was easier for him to tell himself he wasn't cheating. The A went on for two months before I realized what was happening. I don't think he would have been intimate with me, without me knowing about her.
About a month before he broke up with the OW, he said that one of the things that made him realize that we could have a future, was our intimacy. When I peek over at the threads in Piecing, I see so many couples who have worked through issues, but still are not intimate, or at least not at a level they want to be at. I guess in my mind, staying intimate with my H now, will be one less thing we will have to work through later.
Keep the intimacy going. It`s my belief that he wants to feel close to you, just like you want to feel close to him. Show him you enjoy being with him.
Have you tried flirting with him? It can be kind of fun.
Yes, we have flirted a lot. We met out one night, with the idea that we were going to talk, but we decided just to have a good time and let loose.
We ended up playing darts at a bar. It was nonstop flirting. It felt like it did when we first started dating. At one point he gave me a great big hug, and said "I missed you". He was a little drunk, and I don't think he meant to say it, but I think it was how he was really feeling at the time.
I wish he would let his guard down like that more often. He is determined not to have any feelings for me, because if he did, it would make the last year a mistake, and I don't think he is ready to admit that yet. He has said he is sorry, but he has never said he is sorry for having the A, or that he regrets it. He is just sorry I hurt from it.
He is cake eating, but he admitted to that before the intimacy started. I do think he wants to be close to me, but can't express it any other way. Some of our best conversations have happened in bed, so I do think he is letting some of his guard down when we are together. I guess as long as I don't feel guilty, or used, I will continue to allow the intimacy
Quote: He is determined not to have any feelings for me, because if he did, it would make the last year a mistake, and I don't think he is ready to admit that yet
You`re right about that. My H told some people that he made a mistake, but it`s hard for him to admit that to me without an attitude.
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