Matilda You are getting there little by little. Don't worry about XOW. Focus on what is good. Your relationship can be enriching if you are enriched. Fill your spirit with goodness.
How's that for sunny psycho- babble?
Really though, find ways to keep your focus off fear, it is another circumstance.
It doesn't seem like it should be so difficult for H and me to communicate in a postive way, but it sure is. Would love your feedback on a situation from earlier in the week:
On Tuesday he told me he was meeting his brother for a beer at 4:30. (I was still at work when he told me this). He had worked hard that day around the house and I understood why he wanted to go out for a beer. At 6 he wasn't home so I ordered pizza thinking that pizza and H would both arrive soon. (He left his cell phone at home so I couldn't call him). At 7 he called and asked if I wanted to meet him, BIL, SIL, and 2 other friends(the friends I have mentioned before that happen to be members of the opposite sex) for dinner. I explained I had already eaten, but thanks for the invitation. He asked if I minded if he stayed and I said no. I said this sincerely. I was happy that he invited me, but I was tired and was busy helping D16 move things around in her room. I was in bed by the time he got home.
Now tonight he started talking as if I'm the "bad guy" because I "refused" to go meet him and now it looks like we're not getting along and that I don't like his friends. He told me I should come out more often and join them so I could see what wonderful friends they were. I told him I thought I was doing him a favor by not going (meaning I trusted him). I also said this was the only time he had actually invited me to join them and maybe we could plan to go out together soon and then ask others to join us instead of me joining them. He got mad because he said I was twisting the words around and he didn't see why he had to be so careful how he said things. I also reminded him that I had invited these friends over to our house for dinner. I also told him I had called several times and they never returned my calls. They never call H at the house; only on his cell phone.
So, I had to leave for my boating class (I invited H to join me, but he declined). He leaves early in the am for a business trip.
It doesn't seem like it should be so difficult for H and me to communicate in a postive way, but it sure is. Would love your feedback on a situation from earlier in the week:
At 7 he called and asked if I wanted to meet him, BIL, SIL, and 2 other friends(the friends I have mentioned before that happen to be members of the opposite sex) for dinner.
Now tonight he started talking as if I'm the "bad guy" because I "refused" to go meet him and now it looks like we're not getting along and that I don't like his friends. He told me I should come out more often and join them so I could see what wonderful friends they were.
What would you do now?
Matilda, I wonder what his motive is? Does he truly want to be connected to you, and have you by his side in a social situation? Is he concerned about what others think of him, and he needs you there to present the image of a happy couple? Does he want you to see that the situation is harmless?
I don't think you're in a position to negotiate with him--you're relationship is not at that point. Your negotiation created a power struggle, and left the matter unresolved.
Instead of stating your needs, try to listen to what he's trying to tell you. Validate his position, even if you don't agree with it. Don't be so quick to judge. He was possibly reaching out to you in an awkward way. You hijacked the conversation, and made it about your needs.
When there is distance in a M, it is important for us to consider invitations by our spouses. Is there a way for you to accept the invitation, and check-out the situation, on your terms?
Why are you intimidated by these two members of the opposite sex?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I don't think you're in a position to negotiate with him--you're relationship is not at that point. Your negotiation created a power struggle, and left the matter unresolved. CL
I am not sure what you mean here, CL. What was I negotiating?
Why are you intimidated by these two members of the opposite sex?
CL
I am intimidated by only one of the two actually and it goes back to the uncertainty in my marriage. The fear factor again??? One became a friend only a few weeks after H's affair ended. I wanted him to make our marraige a priority at that time instead of working so hard on this new friendship. All of a sudden she was a helpless female....needed help with snowplowing her driveway when I was home doing ours. She needed help putting up her Christmas tree. Numerous phone calls on the cell phone (We have a joint cell phone account so of course I noticed). Often he would call her before he called me when he was away on a business trip. She is cute, skinny, intelligent, has a spotless house on a river and a boat. H's ideal woman! Even his brother accused him of starting "something" with her.
Matilda, I assume you suspect a possible EA (numerous phone calls on the cell phone) with the cute lady with the clean house and boat. I could see why you would be uncomfortable meeting her for dinner, as part of a group.
It sounds like you have two options. You can accept your H's invitation next time to see if it would improve your R with him (the primary goal). You can respect that being in a group setting with the the lady he's having a possible EA, is too uncomfortable at this time. You will need to continue to assert your wishes, and accept that he won't understand, and be nonsupportive of your decision.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You will need to continue to assert your wishes, and accept that he won't understand, and be nonsupportive of your decision.
CL
Sad state of affairs. Meanwhile, I will continue to work on ME! I want to be someone special that H would choose to be with over everyone else! (I have told him I just want to be treated better than his friends!) My priority is still to be the person I want to be for ME!
Thanks for all the responses, CL!!! You always help me think! Hope your weekend is going well...less of the GW behavior!
