11th hour Help!!!

[Stringdcr]

Hi,My wife and I are in the middle of a divorce.We have three young children ages 2,8 and 13.The situation is devistating.I still love her and i have tryed to talk her out of it to no avail.Im afraid i have pushed to hard.She is alredy dating and this hurts me deeply.I have had counsaling from church family and friends.Most are prepiaring me for a life without her.I have been the tipical non listining husband.I have never been violent nor have i been a substence abuser.Save for the begining of our marrriage.Can their be hope?

[julio]

I am in a similar situation, now for 5 months. W. says she is going to file in Jan. I take the blame when I am with her and try to give her unconditional love. However, I believe she has issues MLC WAW whatever that must be treated if reconciliation is possible. She is selfish and has hurt not only me but our kids. Funny thing when I asked her about how she would feel if I dated again she agreed she would flip out and confessed she never thought about it. Unfortunately these WAS may not see the error of their ways until the damage has been done to all around them.

[Stringdcr]

Hi Julio,I to have been trying to love my wife that way .I agree thay don't understand the ramifacations of the long reaching efects of this.Unfortunetly my wife has goten extreemly unwise councel from her brother and mother.

[onlylove]

Will it looks like we are all in the same boat. My W of 18 years told me 5 weeks ago that "We are getting a D" I'm working on LRT and "Act as if". She moved into the spare bedroom a few months ago, I did not see the sign. She started an EA and PA with an OM.

She has been and emotional wreck since she told me. She is dead set on the D. She wants to stay in the house until the D is done in 6 or more months, but it's hard on the kids because she is very unpleasant to live with.

I'm doing my best to save our M. This is going to be the hardest thing I have done in my 46 years, but our kids deserve nothing but my best. God bless you and all the Men who stand for there M and don't give in. We all have to deal with a WAW, who is not rational while going through this time. My wife turned 40. She is going through a MLC. We started dating when she was 20 and she never lived on her own and she keeps reminding me about that fact.

So stick with your morals, keeping reading Divorce Remedy, keep coming to this board. We are good people who deserve all that life has to offer. I have never used drugs or alcohol, never hit my W or even come close. She cannot think of any reason to leave but "Don’t love you anymore" pretty poor excuse.

God Bless!! Keep the faith.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Only,

so sorry you are here. But, as you read these situations, you'll see that women are in the same boat as you, probably more often. So what, right? I just want you to know you are in THE right place. Since I've been Dbing, I've heard a lot about a book called "The Five Love Languages" and finally started reading it. You may want to read it as well, since you seem to have no idea where this came from. I'm not doubting you, just making a suggestion.

I'm glad you are standing up for your M. DBing can work but not always. What I DO know is that all the other things I tried were totally UNsuccessful and DBing has created SOME changes...I am moving over to the "piecing together" side of things, and have been DBing over a year. Just so you have some time reference.

Good luck, it is NOT hopeless. As a mother, there is no way I can stay UNmoved when I see my H with my kids...playing and talking, and the love they have for them. It is soooo important that you spend as much time and give as much love to them as possible. For so many reasons, including the M. It's almost like emotional foreplay...And it is so important for your sons anyhow. Don't let them think that all women do this, or that she doesn't love them.. She may be pre-menopausal, and that is NO small thing for some women....so remember "in sickness and in health" and IF you can ask her, see if she'll get a physical exam....if not, you tried. Good luck, you are in the right place. And btw, I am finding the 5 Love Languages really interesting and useful. Wish I had read it 10 years ago.
j-

[julio]

Diabolical (sp?). I was very upset today after the conversation with the w. A friend called me and said, dude turn to your faith. I confessed that I was losing it and he told me not to. One thing that has been bothering me lately is that w. has hinted she might go out New Years and may want me to be the free baby sitter. Another example of being used. Anyway I searched and found a retreat on New Years Eve! I signed up and paid for it. Now I have plans that just so happen to coincide with a need to rediscover my faith. When she finds out and whines I can just tell her the truth. It is not a party but a religious retreat. Hard for her to be angry about that!

[onlylove]

Dear 25yearmic,

Thanks for the support. It’s funny I asked my W if she should maybe get a check up for menopause because I noticed she is using a menopause cream on her tummy. She got offended and told me to mind my own business. I should learn I can’t talk about my concerns for her. I know that women our in this sitch just like men. If she goes through with filing for D I’m concerned for her because the kids my not want to live with her. My D keeps saying she is tired of mom always being angry.

Thanks for the advice about the book 5 love languages. I have received this advice from many. I will pick up a copy soon. It’s so hard, my W is asleep in the guest room and all I want to do is crawl into bed with her and just hold her. I still don’t understand why she won’t give our M a second chance.

Will its late and I have a busy day tomorrow. I’m decorating the Christmas tree with my son. The W hates Christmas so she leaves it up to me, all the decorating, most of the shopping. After that I’m taking my son to the Lakers game. One thing that’s been good is I have open my eyes to the fact that I was to busy with my job and not paying enough time with the W and the kids. Since the W wants nothing to do with me I’m reconnecting with the kids. My D turned 16 today and asked me to kick W out of the house so she would not spoil her birthday, pretty sad.

[Stringdcr]

I have turned to my faith to.after finding this web site i got a good six hours straight sleep.So this is helping.Im upset my wife is dateing but i know thet eny man thet would date a woman in the middle of a divorce is not wise.
I think i will make plans new years eva to.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Only,

I don't know what state you are in, but I suggest you try very hard to have physical custody (call it "joint") of the children. Don't be surprised if W agrees also. That's fine, why should the kids have to be exposed to her "episode" at their age(s)? I'm unclear how many kids you have. I am serious about the custody issue. In MOST states there is NO presumption favoring the mother, if the kids are over 6 or 7 and ALL the states SAY the test is what is best for the kids. ( Yes, I am an attorney, but still, a nice person.....and no, thank God, I am not a D L, but I know a little about it, sadly, due to MY circumstances and some sisters of mine). So don't assume she gets them and even if she does, I strongly believe, that you can get 50% custody AT LEAST....given your children's comments and the courts' willingness to ask them what THEY want. They feel rejected by their mother right now, and that is a deep wound. In my sitch, even with many reconciliatory moves by my H, I worry about the damage he has done to his R's with the kids, especially our d17. He chose a job elsewhere (his Task, his Mission, if you will) instead of being around for her junior and senior years of high school, and that has hurt her and she has expressed that. Ouch.

Too bad about the menopausal reaction she had---but don't think it hasn't crossed her mind. She does sound as if she is in MLC. Here are a FEW ways you can diagnose mlc from a WAW, but none of this is certain science.

Has she recently reached a certain age? 35/40/45/50 seems to be the ranges and milestones this attracts. Is her behavior substantially different than the first 3/4 of your M, or more? Does she seem "out of character"? Secretive? Distracted?

Depression is another sign but it goes both ways and has its' own issues IF it is the underlying reason for leaving, versus being a symptom.

If she is in MLC there is a lot of hope, and if she thinks she is a WAW, she may be wrong and regardless, none of this is hopeless. FYI, two relatives of mine even got divorced from their spouses, in very different circumstances from each other, but BOTH couples remarried some years later, and had good 2nd Ms with each other.....crazy....I used to be just a tad embarassed by their actions, but I now realize i ought be shouting that from the rooftops on this bb.

SO, point being, there really is ALWAYS hope, til one of you lays the other into the hands of God...

Yes, please read the Five Love Languages immediately, ALONG WITH DB BOOKS. Since DBing, the 2=3 books that have helped me the most are
Marianne Williamson's "Return to Love" which helps a LOT with losing anger and also helps with forgiveness. We LBSers MUST forgive for 2 reasons: no other way to save the M, and 2nd, our anger will consume US and make US miserable....so regardless of whether the WAS "deserves" our forgiveness, or even knows of it, we have to do it for ourselves. And our children need to learn how to do it, and we are their role models. Williamson has some exercises in her books, (I have the CD version) about HOW TO do this, and even the gimmicky ones have helped me. For example, in every shower I took for one month, I'd say out loud, "God, I turn over my M and all the pain of it, to YOU", about 100 times, literally. Also, "told" my H, though he was not actually there, that I forgave him. I said this every time I thought he'd call. I would say it 30 times, out loud. Maybe it's goofy but it Helped calm me down and not spew my rage onto him, which btw, no matter how justified, NEVER ONCE helped our M.......But God knows I thought if I was "right" to be angry, then the anger simply HAD to be expressed.....brilliant strategy, which never ever produced good results...sometimes we can be so stupid. But not HERE!!

OTHER BOOKS by Marianne Williamson that helped ( so many of hers helped me--about anger especially) is THE GIFT OF CHANGE, which made me feel so much better about the possibility of life without H, and of life with H but with a VERY different, Good M...... So you know, Williamson is too "new agey" for some, (but I'm Catholic and had no problem). And now, the Five Love Languages, which is allowing me to see that H HAS loved me many times I did not recognize his language of love, and MAYBE unbeknownst to him, I have loved him as best I could. These are eye openers.

One quote and I gotta go, this is from FLL.

***THE NEED TO FEEL LOVED BY ONE'S SPOUSE IS AT THE HEART OF MARITAL DESIRES.***
(by
Gary Chapman) Seems so simple.....

good luck, and keep on posting, hurting, venting, etc. b/c this is THE place for it.
j-

[julio]

Wonderful evening, but I could tell that the W. was getting angry. The family had a Christmas outing. Great time! The kids asked W. what they were doing for the New Year. She said you are going to be with dad. I told her that I already made plans. She did not blow up, but I could tell that the pot was getting hot and about to boil. I did not tell her what I was doing (a religious retreat). I have no plans to call her, I suspect she is going to blow up.

She wants a girls night out to celebrate her new life that will start in the new year. Sorry, I want to take time to reflect and pray for the family that is suffering due to her selfish behavior. My plan is to only tell her if she asks and mearly tell her I am going on a retreat. She just has to deal with it. If she does line up a baby sitter and parties I want it in the back of her head that I am turning to our faith.