So I'm coming up on 30 days of DBing (LRT) nearly by the book. No ILY, no IMY, no initiated calls, no R talk. As you may know, there is an OM involved in my sitch. WAW has been gone for 45 days. Bomb dropped about 60 days ago.
Is it odd that in 30 days of no R talk initiated by me, the W also has not brought up the R subject? I would've thought that it may have come up by now.
She may be so involved with OM at this point that she's not giving it a 2nd thought. It seems odd that she still hasn't wanted to talk about it. In our last R talk, I made it clear that I disagreed with her decision of wanting a D - and I told her that no matter how we interact (calls, meetings, emails, etc), that there is nothing she can do or say that'll give me any false hope. That my hope will come only if she specifically says she wants to try to work it out. I was trying to give her justification for staying in touch at that point - without feeling the guilt.
I remain dark. We talk around once a week - mostly business - but a little "whatcha been doing". By the book, it's upbeat. I try to be vague, but I do slip there. I also try to refocus on her and validate her when I can.
What I wonder is:
1. Have I given too much space that she has written this M off as done? Or is 30 days of no R talk expected considering the OM?
2. I was always pretty reserved with sharing my emotions during M, so does she see this (no R talk by me) as "more of the same" behavior?
I'm trying to evaluate progress - but I'm stumped.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
First of all I think 30 days is great, I mean that you've been able to refrain from it for 30 days. You're doing things the right way, be patient. I've been at this for about 9 months, so hang in there. Don't give in and don't be the one to bring it up. It seems strange but keep up the good work.
Hey StillHanging - thanks for posting. I read up on your thread (the first few then the last few) ... WOW, what a turnaround. It gives me hope.
Really. Our last R conversation was a month ago where I made it clear that I understood she wanted a D, I objected, but told her I wasn't going to fight her. Neither she or I have brought up R since. We've met about every other week on business. We talk once a week on business and some "small talk". But no ILY, IMY, R talk. The D negotiations only really started this week - 2 months after she left.
So it's just odd to me that she has also not brought up the subject. So I have 2 theories:
1. She is so involved with OM, that there's been no need to discuss our R 2. She doesn't understand how much I object to D.
It's most likely #1 - but if it is #2, and I don't want to bring up R talk - then how do I make that clear?
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Help!!! Need to respond to TM from W and I'm having writer's block. Briefly - W was upset her friend was second guessing her judgement on something. She called me. She cried. I validated her feelings, supported her opinions, was understanding, listened carefully. THIS WAS MY BEST DB'ING YET. By the book. Perfect execution. 9.9 out of 10.
She just TM me, "Thank You for talking to me last night, it helped tremendously! It was very unselfish given the circumstances."
How do you respond to that without being overly excited - without pushing - without wanting to apply even a little pressure!!!!
I've written 6 different responses so far. None of them seem to work. Even after knowing her for 18 years, I don't know what to say to her right now. Anyone????
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
OK - I responded with a little more then what you guys suggested (or is it than rather then/than than - jeez, I can't even function).
I figured I could do a little "cheerleading" (one of DR other tactics) - so I wrote, "You're Welcome. You're a strong woman who had a weak moment. Don't be too hard on yourself."
She responded, jokingly, "OK. LOL." I left it there.
So another good day. Rollercoaster up ... bracing for the free-fall down.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Can I have 3 good days in a row??? Hmmm. Time is my friend.
RECAP -
Monday - She called and leaned on me (cried) when she felt her friends started questioning her reliability. Nice talk once the crying stopped.
Tuesday - She TM thanking me for support on Monday, noting "it was very unselfish given the circumstances". And a few other TM's back and forth.
Wednesday - She called at 12:30am this morning. Just wanted to talk. I missed the call - I was asleep by then. Didn't call her back. I TM her a quick congrats for getting A's in the 2 classes she took this semester - didn't mention her message. She TM me on her way to work (knowing I had a counseling session this morning) and told me to have a good session and "hope you weren't mad I tried to call you so late last night".
So the woman who went 5 days with no contact over Thanksgiving and 9 days the week after has now reached out 3 days in a row.... Alone time does help them, I believe that. I will "curb my enthusiasm", but finding these baby steps is exciting.
One of the more difficult parts of DBing right now is fighting the urge to keep her talking ... answering her questions with another question, so she'll keep communicating ... responding right away while she's in the mood to talk ... just keeping the convo going. It's a lot easier to keep talking then to be the first to end the convo. Especially when one is still unable to detach.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Quote: One of the more difficult parts of DBing right now is fighting the urge to keep her talking ... answering her questions with another question, so she'll keep communicating ... responding right away while she's in the mood to talk ... just keeping the convo going. It's a lot easier to keep talking then to be the first to end the convo. Especially when one is still unable to detach.
I find this to be the hardest thing for me. Normally when I see a small baby step I get ahead of myself and think I can push things along. It's taken me quite some time to realize that I cant. Congrats on the baby steps but be prepared for her to take a couple steps back. Be sure not to pressure her.
