my H has wanted a D for the past year and suspect it has a lot to do w/ him having a "friend" She is an ex-coworker that I had always beeb suspicious of especiall after one of my daugh accidentally told me they all went to the park wi th her and her daugh ( H told her not to say anything to me) Afew months ago I started snooping & discovered his cell phone password online. This is when I new for sure it was m,ore than "freinds". He was callling her everyday before and on his way home from work. As soon as he would leave for lunch ( to have lunch with her). She went to work only fifteen minutes away from his work). Three months ago called what I suspected her work number just before she got off work and ofcourse she denied seeing him romantically, but that he was a really good freind and was not going to stop the freindship. He still denies to this day of anything physical. He caught on and changed his password & now I can not figure it out. Says he is tired of everything and evryone including the kids & the mortgage. Months before this I was suspecting and took advantage of his mom visiting for the summer and started "date" night. I told him that i have been trying and says it is too late. He was tired of the everyday arguing. Well, since then I have been ding a lot of praying and asking God to make changes in me that H will notice & God really is making me a more patient & gentler wife. I snooped last night & found a NEW set of D papers with some prices and an appointment time with no date. God! Give me strength!! I think he is thinking he will have the money to go thru w/ his end of the year bonus. My mom tells me to stop torturing myself w/ the snooping and let God handle it & do not interfere! Please advise me. We r back to not sleeping in the same room the last time this happened it lasted for a month. This time it wsa my choice by putting one of our daugh to bed with me. I was angry that he stayed out all nite last weekend. I am being the wife that I was not before by keeping my mouth shut even when he is beign really mean. It has it's good effects cuz we do not argue like before, but now we aren't even speaking. We have three girls and don't understand why daddy can be with us on family events. God is really easing my pain as time goes by though.
Both, MLC first and then the infidelity being brought upon the problems you both had. You said that for a while you guys didn't talk for a month, that is just not right. First of all I was in your shoes a while ago. It came out of left field even though now that I look back I was a huge reason why we distanced each other, working and being a mom I was too busy for my H.
Your H is trying to escape reality and responsibity (MLC) and trying to live live (staying out all night) Kicking him to the other and not speaking is just putting the final bricks on the tombstone of your M, stop now, take your dd back to her room.
You guys have had major issues and he is (in an awful awful way) trying to find solace elsewhere. Go to counceling, either alone if he doens't want to come.
It isn't too late yet, and even if he comes up w/D papers, it isnt' over, my H had a lawyer for a few months after he left my kids and I, eventually he dropped him. This situation will last for a few months sadly, your H needs to process his anger, and eventually he'll also see not all the blame should fall on your shoulders, but again, that takes time too.
I want you right not the read 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' which will open your eyes.
I also found God again after putting him in the second burner forever, and he gave me the strenth go to go and be strong when all seemed hopeless, you are in the right track there.
No more silent treatments. DB your butt off, hang in there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for that. I know now that my biggest promblem was idolizing my H before putting God first. I just fininshed reading one of Joyce Meyers? books The Praying Wife & has helped a lot. How long were you seperated. I said no to H as to seperation I said that is the easy ticket to the Enemy for temptation (as I hope EA has not gone to PA). Can a divorce really be finalized without my signature? I think the reason he came back to sleeping back in our bed the first time was the futon was too uncomfortable. I sked Gopd to take away my sexual desires 4 him (at lest until this blows over) cuz H doesn't want to betouched in any way shape or for and I can't stand the rejections anymore.The last time I felt like I was raping him! I was always the one w/ the higher sex drive. Mother tells me not to speak unless he spseaks first, i will have to go back to that.
we were separated for 7mths. Since you guys have kids and prob some common property it is a contested divorce, it can't be done without mediation and a court appearance.
Let him know that you want to be there for him, you dont' need to be a mute around him, act like his friend, be yourself, I know it sounds corny but it is very true, just relax, pray to God and just be yourself, ask him if he'd like to go out during the week if you can get a sitter, at least once a week, to reconnect. I know w/kids a couple tends to forget to cherish and make the R grow.
I know it is hard, don't initiate sex for now, be content w/holding his hand... if he lets you, begin small, he can't have sex w/you now if he feels no connection, please give him space.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
H will not go out with me or the kids anymore. Last night I went to my company xmas party ( no SO allowed) it was just the administration employees (8) of us to dinner and drinks. Early that day I emailed H reminding to pick up the girls and @ first he said no cuz he had plans, but when i said I wasa still going out he replied that his plans were WITh the girls.Well this morning I asked the girls what they did last night & they said daddy took them out to dinner with that women!! This is the first time!this morning I emailed him and said that I was sorry to say that I fell pity towards him for his behaving like a school kid in love and that i guess he doesn't care who knows know that he takes her out in public AND is mixing our kids in his mess.I emailed his boss and coworker and told them that if they notice H behaving strange and distracted this is why. I told them how he has abondoned his girls and us as a family in general.One of them is a christian and I asked for his prayers. I told the girls that daddy does not love mommy no more and to expect him not to be around all the time anymore. last week i asked him to go out with me w/out the kids and told me to go out w/out him. It's funny the feelings inside me right now, I suppose it's the Lord giving the feeling of pity so I do not hurt as much!!!
oh dear, I cannot begin to tell you your decisions weren't the greatest lately. Granted, we all come to this place not knowing what to do, but jeez, you ratted him out to his boss? is that going to bring him back?
It was a spineless an awful thing for him to go out w/the girls and that woman, I'll give you that. I can understand how angry that could make you, but you are making things worse by involving others, specially the children! for crying out loud, do you have any idea what you have done by saying H doesn'tlove you anymore to your d??? please! don't anymore!! There was no need for that, all you had to say is that you guys were having some issues to deal with and that daddy needed time alone, my 8yr old was fine w/that, I didn't have to tell him "son, your dad cleaned out bank acc., wants to divorce me and has a new place". I was able to have my son protected from the ugliness of my H's desicions, my son only had me to count on, and I was not going to unload on him.
Do not involve anyone else and don't talk to his coworkers anymore, unless you want to push your H to ow's arms further. Yes, I'd be angry too, but please, think very well what your actions will create, by shoving when he pushes you are giving him a reason to do what he is doing, he is pushing your buttons, dont' let him.
Read the Praying book again, I dont' think you get it, you cant make him do anything right now, he is still at home right? you have that, at least for now unless you do another thing out of anger. Reread the DR book, there is a lot you need to think about, you are very hurt and it is understandable, but remember, he is the foolish one and is prob going to do a few other stupid things.
I want you to read "the proper care and feeding of husbands", it will give you insights of what women, me included, do to alianate our Hs.I've learned very valuable lessons, granted, the hard way.
Agree w/him that for now you both need time and space, and let him know in a nice, calm manner that some boundaries need to be set, no more outings w/the ow. No yelling, no anger, as much as you want to bite his head off, don't do it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The reason I told his boss is because as I have read in other advice is to let "everyone" know so it out in the open. I figured ,heck he obviously does not mind since he is out in the public with her AND my kids! Saturday he went to work as usual and then did not return until Sunday morning. I was calm and even in good spirits (filled w/ His holy presence) just came back from church when H finally arrived. I talked to him liek nothing and showed him the girls present I had bought until I just had to say something, but not in a mean kinda way. I told him why did come back and not just stay where he was at. H said he was not where I think he was, SURE! I said ok. I finally told my dd to sleep in her own bed lastnite and I think H wanted to sleep in our bed, but he didn't. I know one thing for sure is that if H wants to be intimate I will demand he uses protection with me. He plans on going out of town to his cousins for New Years and I will tell him to first saygoodbye to the girls so I will not be doing his dirty works for him. Thanks you r the only one repling to me. I do need to get some more reading material. I was doing so good for a few months of "beign the good wife". How long is long enough, ido not want to be a doormat.
The reason I told his boss is because as I have read in other advice is to let "everyone" know so it out in the open. I figured ,heck he obviously does not mind since he is out in the public with her AND my kids! Saturday he went to work as usual and then did not return until Sunday morning. I was calm and even in good spirits (filled w/ His holy presence) just came back from church when H finally arrived. I talked to him liek nothing and showed him the girls present I had bought until I just had to say something, but not in a mean kinda way. I told him why did come back and not just stay where he was at. H said he was not where I think he was, SURE! I said ok. I finally told my dd to sleep in her own bed lastnite and I think H wanted to sleep in our bed, but he didn't. I know one thing for sure is that if H wants to be intimate I will demand he uses protection with me. He plans on going out of town to his cousins for New Years and I will tell him to first saygoodbye to the girls so I will not be doing his dirty works for him. Thanks you r the only one repling to me. I do need to get some more reading material. I was doing so good for a few months of "beign the good wife". How long is long enough, ido not want to be a doormat.
Quote: I have read in other advice is to let "everyone" know so it out in the open
That prob meant family hon, since lots of cheaters rely on certain family members to condone/put up w/an ow/om. To me at least, work and home are a separate thing, unless it's a family business where you are also involved.
Anyways, kudos on letting him know HE needs to be one to tell the girls, my T did tell me "the R between you and H is different from the one of H and your son". Your H will have to face what he is doing to the girls, though sadly, when they are in MLC they care for no one but themselves. Keeping your dd on her bed and asking him to wear protection are also great ideas.
Quote: I was doing so good for a few months of "beign the good wife". How long is long enough, ido not want to be a doormat.
Be a good person FOR YOUR sake. He definetly doesnt' deserve your kindness, but you respond to a higher authority and meaness and vengance dont' become you. You dont' have to be a doormat, he knows you don't tolerate his R w/the other, and as long as you don't cover for him or something like that you aren't being a doormat.
Have you asked if he'd come to counceling w/you?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
He will not do counseling. I don't know if i told you but two weeks ago i snooped and found info on divorce papers with an appoinment for a "thursday" but no exact date. Since then i have been waiting to see if he gives me any d papers. Oh! yes i do remember that advice was on "marriage builders" website & they do say to tell their boss's.
