HELP!!! H now wants to try

[inpain_dup1]

H and I have had a BIG talk and I think it will help me feel a little more relaxed about the whole sitch. I know myself I have been very weepy and insecure this last week and H has noticed . However, he has been really lovely about it and last night said he could see I'm struggling with all this and that he wants to help find a solution so I don't feel upset every day. He asked what my biggest worries are and I said that he'd leave again and that he would never want to ML ever again and then it would end anyway because neither of us want that kind of R. He gave me a really big cuddle and a kiss and said that he wouldn't be here trying if he didn't want it to work and that just because he's not ready for ML yet it doesn't mean he doesn't intend for that to happen in the future. He also said he's scared of losing me too otherwise he wouldn't be here and that he feels anxious about if and how much he is ready to do in the intimacy dept. He said he doesn't want to say things to upset me but I told him I'd rather he did than bottle anything up and end up leaving. We both agreed the last week has been difficult due to how I have been feeling and he really genuinely wanted to help me not feel like it. Unfortunately, however, the things I need to stop feeling like it he is not ready to give.

I feel better that he has said he wants it to work out and us be together (he thought this was obvious but I needed to hear it)

I also feel better now he has explained that he does intend for us to resume a SL at some point he's just not ready (I have been frightened that its because he doesn't feel that way towards me whereas just not being ready is different)

One other thing we sorted out was him saying he doesn't know how it is going to end. I have been taking this to mean he might leave or he might stay but what he actually means is that he doesn't know how long things are going to take to get back to normal. I said that to sum up as we both want it to work and we are both trying and it keeps going as well as it has been there isn't any reason it shouldn't work is there? He said "precisely".

So it seems I have a H who is completely committed to trying to make our M work I just need to get rid of this tearful feeling I seem to constantly have inside of me. I think it might be a trust issue. I don't mean trust as in I think he's having an A. I mean trust as in putting my heart in his hands again and trusting he won't break it. Trusting that he isn't going to leave me again. I don't even know where to begin.

Oh and one quick question. Is my D busted in the light of things H has said about wanting it to work???

[Unloved]

Hi IP

Unloved here, sorry it's been so long.
I'm so pleased for you, it sounds like you certainly have that D well and truly busted - congratulations!!!!

I haven't been able to write because H has been here pretty much the whole time now and it looks as if i have also managed to bust the big D!

Basically things are the same for me as they are for you. I can't remember if you said your H is sleeping in the spare room or with you. Mine is still in the spare room and has been since our S was born, which is 10 weeks now! I would love more affection, but, like you, have accepted that it is going to take time. To be honest i wasn't even sure that we we "officially trying again" until the other night. I was feeling a bit tearful and he told me that he has been really enjoying being here and being a family and that he doesn't plan on going anywhere unless i kick him out. So, i think i can now say that we really are making a go of it.

I really wish i could catch up with you more often, i am not going to quit using this site just because things are starting to go well. So if it seems like i have disappeared it will only be temporary, i will check in as often as i can.

I think i will start up a new thread on this forum and discontinue my other threads.

Hopefully , i will be able to pop in again tomorrow as H won't be around.

Once again, congrats - YOU'VE DONE IT.

Speak again soon

UL

[inpain_dup1]

Unloved!!!! Hi great to hear from you as always!

I'm so pleased for you, it sounds like you certainly have that D well and truly busted - congratulations!!!!

Yes I really think it is busted thank goodness and I'm so pleased to hear yours is too!!! Congratulations!!!

Basically things are the same for me as they are for you. I can't remember if you said your H is sleeping in the spare room or with you. Mine is still in the spare room and has been since our S was born, which is 10 weeks now! I would love more affection, but, like you, have accepted that it is going to take time.

At least we can help each other cos its really tough this bit and so crucial isn't it?? My H was in the spare room yes but he moved back into our room about three weeks ago now I now get a kiss on the lips when he leaves the house and I can tell there's feeling behind it and he hugs me and puts an arm over me at night. I'd love more affection and have struggled this last week with that but after our conversation last night I think I'm going to be able to handle it better. I suppose after the immense pain and loneliness we have felt the last few months it is only natural to want to grab our H's and get them to make us feel loved again. My Mum said to me that actions speak louder than words the other day and she is right. The fact they have moved back in to try says a lot more than anything they could say right now.

Hope you can pop in tomorrow - my H will be at work so we can catch up some more and swop ideas on dealing with this peicing business!

[verycrazy]

Hi, IP, I am so happy for you that it does seem like you are definitely a succes story. I am glad to see your sitch get to this point with kisses and such, the next step will happen just give it time. Good for you!!L

[Unloved]

Hi again

At last, I've finally managed to get on the computer. Baby son has just started to be a bit unsettled in the evenings. Both sons asleep now - peace at last!!

Tomorrow night H and I are having our first night out without the kids! it's a friends 40th birthday and he's having a bit of a get together and buffet in his local pub. I am really looking forward to it. It's probably not a big deal for H as he is used to going out quite alot, but i haven't been out for about a year so it means alot to me. Especially as we will be together. I hope it doesn't turn out to be a big let down - I mustn't expect too much from H.

Are you able to have a laugh and joke about with your H? I'm finding it a bit awkward at times. I think i may be trying too hard to please and i'm just being far too polite all the time. I want to let my hair down and feel more relaxed but i do worry that he may feel it is too soon. I seem to have forgotten how to have fun and how to have a really good laugh - do you ever feel like that?

I can't wait to have H to cuddle up to every night but at the same time the anticipation of it is quite nice. I am sure it will happen one day and in a way it is quite exciting wondering when it will be.

Valentines Day soon - What do we do? Should we buy pressies, should we go out somewhere, should we cook a lovely meal for our H or do we do nothing and hope that our H will do something lovely for us????????????

I think that is enough questions for one day, i am soooo tired, gonna get some sleep now.

Hope you are OK

Not sure when i'll next be looking in, but hopefully it wont be too long.

Have a lovely weekend
UL

[inpain_dup1]

Hi Unloved

That's great that you and H are going out together on Saturday. I'm sure it will be a big deal to your H as well if its the first time you have been out together. You're right about not expecting too much from him though. I'm sure if you relax as much as possible and show him you're enjoying the evening it will be a great night for you. Good luck!

My H and I are having a laugh together - mostly initiated by H but I am responding like I used to when we met. I think because my H feels awkward with any intimacy he is being all jokey to compensate. I know exactly what you mean with the trying too hard and being too polite. My H has actually now said he thinks I'm trying too hard and that I don't have to do so much for him and he also says I'm worrying about upsetting him far too much as well. Is your H having fun with you? if so then I wouldn't think it is too early to do that kind of thing. I have been taking my lead from H. If he jokes about etc then I do too.

can't wait to have H to cuddle up to every night but at the same time the anticipation of it is quite nice. I am sure it will happen one day and in a way it is quite exciting wondering when it will be.

I'm sure it will happen for you too. I agree the anticipation of it if exciting. I think I'll probably burst with excitement and cry with happiness when H finally kisses me properly!

Valentines Day - its funny you should mention that I saw cards in our local shop yesterday and thought exactly the same as you - what do we do? Do we buy cards etc. I have decided that I am going to buy a card that isn't too sloppy but only give it to H if he gets me one. I am not going to mention the day to him at all. We used to go out for a nice meal but since S was born I have cooked nice meals at home instead. My H is working so I know we won't be doing anything. I've kind of dreamed it would be lovely if H got me some flowers and a card and we had our first proper kiss on Valentines Day but I have to keep telling myself to squash those thoughts so I'm not disappointed. Hope that helps you decide what you will do! Everything is such a big deal isn't it? Like even if I'm just making H a cup of tea I try deserately to make it exactly how he likes it and am gutted if there's something wrong with it. I think maybe we are worrying a little too much about things but it is understandable considering what we have been through.

My H is working this weekend pretty much without a break appart from sleeping so mine will be a quiet one. Hope you have a good one!

Speak to you soon I hope

IP

[inpain_dup1]

I have started keeping a list of positive things H does to remind myself when I start worrying about how things are going.

OK some of my DB positives:
1. H said he doesn't want to loose me (WOW!!)
2. H sleeps in our room again
3. H kisses me when he leaves the house
4. We're having fun together
5. I can tell that H is really trying too
6. We both want to end up completely back together
7. H MOVED ALL HIS THINGS BACK IN TODAY - THAT'S ONE OF MY GOALS MET!!!!!!!!!!
8. We talk to each other with major respect

We had our first argument last night. It was awful. Not awful because of the row - it wasn't a big one - but awful in how it made me feel. I cried and H seemed really angry and I felt really frightened he'd leave or something. After a couple of minutes quiet time H initiated making up by talking it through and we both agreed it was a misunderstanding on both our parts not helped by H being tired and we cuddled up to sleep. So our first argument is out of the way which in a way is a good thing I suppose and we didn't go to bed angry - major difference from before - we never settled our arguments before bed in the past!! You know what? Today I feel really happy and I really think we're going to make this M great.

[inpain_dup1]

OK I have another positive to add to my list that happened today!!

9. H held my waist as he squeezed past me in the house today!!

I'm thinking surely that is another step towards some kind of intimacy? My H is turning back into the lovely sweet thoughtful man he always used to be and it is absolute torture to not be able to show him how I feel be even kissing him. I feel like I'll explode soon!

[inpain_dup1]

H asked if he could stop on from work to play cards with colleagues. I said it was absolutely fine of course which it is. This is a huge step out of my comfort zone letting him be out with friends such a lot. H has commented how much I have changed in this area so that's good. I just wish he'd step out of his comfort zone a bit. He sees me doing it so much yet it doesn't seem like he'll step out of his at all. Is it really that big a step from kissing me on the lips to a proper kiss?? He opened up a little yesterday as to what the problem is - basically that because SL was so bad before he left he thinks he's forgotten what it can be like so isn't that bothered about it. Is this just a man thing?? because SL was bad for me too but I can remember in graphic detail things from when SL was great - he says he can't. How can he not remember how lovely it used to be just to kiss.

He also must be taking much more note of things than I thought. When we were talking about things progressing he said exactly how many days it had been since he first kissed me on the lips. I have told him I won't try to do anything other than what he allows/wants until he is ready to do things and he said thank you and sounded relieved. Just hope I can manage to stick to it I feel like this is tougher than being separated.

[cat03]

- basically that because SL was so bad before he left he thinks he's forgotten what it can be like so isn't that bothered about it. Is this just a man thing?? because SL was bad for me too but I can remember in graphic detail things from when SL was great - he says he can't. How can he not remember how lovely it used to be just to kiss.

Yup, he's afraid of failure. And my H also didn't or couldnt' remember when he was happy w/me in that aspect.

I can see that your patience has paid off, he is opening up to you and actually told you why he's not ready. Keep up the good job, it's a long journey.