Quote: but maybe I could get some advice on how to SHOW him that I mean these things.
As far as earning his trust back, this is exactly what you need to do - SHOW him.
I have been struggling with my W's A also, and she wants to keep OM as a friend, which I don't like. My W's words are one thing, but I have a hard time believing half of what she says. I really wish that everything she says about loving me is true, I want to believe her, but I have a better chance of trusting her more if she commits more to actions than words. I need for her to spend time with me, in and out of the house, for her to call me more just to say she's thinking of me. Basically, just doing things for me and for us as a couple will help in earning my trust in her faster than just words can. I feel better when we talk and sit lovingly next to each other, and ML more often than usual. My W needs to SHOW me she wants me, and for guys doing things carries more weight than talking.
Hope this helps, I know it helps me!
sol - I tried those things and was told he needed space and I wouldn't leave him alone and was "up his ass".....
and he moved out NYD.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Same with what sol said, the best way is to SHOW it. It's hard to say it but you'll just have to be strong and take the harsh words that he's going to throw at you. It doesn't seem fair to say that he's entitled to it but in a way he is.
I'm sorry to hear that. Now you need to focus on you, and allow him the space he needs. Everyone works on different time scales, you just need to stick to DBing as best you can so he can come around. It takes time, and I'm still working on being patient with my W. I had to give her "space" as well when I was crowding her. I was "up her a$$ too - her words! So I stopped doing that, and tried detaching.
Now you need to work on you with the ultimate goal of being attractive to him again. People gravitate to attractive people, you need to make him WANT to come back now. I know - easier said than done. I haven't read your sitch yet but just posted based on the last post you made.
Again, I'm sorry to hear that he moved out. But you can use this time to really take care of yourself, OK?
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I'm sorry to hear that. Now you need to focus on you, and allow him the space he needs. Everyone works on different time scales, you just need to stick to DBing as best you can so he can come around. It takes time, and I'm still working on being patient with my W. I had to give her "space" as well when I was crowding her. I was "up her a$$ too - her words! So I stopped doing that, and tried detaching.
Now you need to work on you with the ultimate goal of being attractive to him again. People gravitate to attractive people, you need to make him WANT to come back now. I know - easier said than done. I haven't read your sitch yet but just posted based on the last post you made.
Again, I'm sorry to hear that he moved out. But you can use this time to really take care of yourself, OK?
Thanks. One of the issues with us is I lost weight so he finds me somewhat attractive but the OM made me a running schedule so he sees my weight loss for OM and not anyone else. I don't blame him but I don't know how to show him it wasn't for him. And how do you make yourself attractive to someone who is repulsed at "the new you"??
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I've been trying to do things, but more often than not my efforts come off as weak. Especially when we ML - if he's saying things like "did you do this with OM?".....it's hard for me to get "in the mood".
We have been spending a TON of time together...and I'm hoping that helps. Work gets in the way and I think that bothers him, since the A happened at work. I'm done with the OM and everyone connected with him. I tell him that daily, but usually after he asks. Should I be confirming this often?
Definitely. You need to validate like crazy. Reaffirm what you say, don't sound desperate, show compassion. As a husband who was cheated on, I need this daily from my W, though not so much anymore. I have to look deep inside myself to forgive her and move on, and it helps if she is remorseful though I have not heard that from her yet. My W seems to want to commit to our R, and shows it by being more compromising when it comes to ML, spending time together, and calling me (but not all the time). I felt dirty, I despised myself, and I couldn't stand the thought of her cheating, especially when I read her emails about how "in love" she was with OM. Bottom line - it hurt, and it was a deep hurt. That's how we feel, or felt.
So do confirm this, but I would do it when you notice him doubtful, down, or looking sad. Otherwise, when he asks, confirm and validate. He will also be angry at times, I am. That's not a good time to talk about your R or the A since it will escalate. Basically you know the best times to show him your loving actions. As husbands we need that! And it does help, but it has to be part of your DBing, and if it works just keep doing it, whatever doesn't work then do something different. You also need to help him with GAL, but I am very glad to see that you are on these boards!
Keep it up!
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I have a question for everyone. My husband thinks that I cheated on him 9 years ago. To make a long story very short, I did go out w/ friends alot during that time (I was young and 23 yrs old) I DID NOT CHEAT! I have told him this a million times. He will not believe me, and to this day - still brings it up (sometimes right in front of our son). I just recently started to hang around w/ a friend of mine that I used to party with. I had not talked to her in 6.5 years. He is so mad that I am going over to her house(she lives out of town) and meeting her for dinner when she is in town - that he has told me if I continue to speak to her, then he will divorce me. I have to admit, years ago we did party together alot- but now we both have responsibilites, good jobs and I have a child. After 8 years and alot of growing up, I do not want to do the same things I did when I was young. He does not trust me when I am with her. Ever since we have been hanging out again (started speaking to each other again 8 months ago), I have done nothing that could be considered even remotely suspicious. Like I said the story is longer than this, but I am so upset over this ultimatum! I know that my past has been less than perfect and I admit that I did things that he did not like. He cannot let go of what is in the past. He always says things like "you cheated on me -just admit it" and "you and your friend were sleeping with everybody" What should I do??? I am not going to admit to something that I did not do! I also do not want to end my friendship w/ her because I am not doing anything wrong.
Why don't you introduce her to him. Invite him out with you 2 once in a while. Invite her over for dinner, etc and let him get to know her. If he knows her and can see for himself that she is not a threat, he'll stop worrying about her.
I know it can be aggravating to have an insecure partner like this and it can be stifling, but if your willing to make the extra effort to prove his suspicions wrong, maybe he will lighten up over time and give you the freedom you need.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Hello, thank you for your reply. My husband does know my friend very well. He met her right before we got married (11 years ago). I was hanging around her for 2-3 years before we both started going out and partying. Since we started speaking to each other again, he has been around her many times. She came over to our house a couple of times, we went to Chicago to visit her in August, she let my husband and I stay at her apartment when I was running the Chicago marathon etc... He has seen us together and he knows that I do not go out with her and get crazy. He knows that she has a terrific job working at a surgery center in a hospital. We have done nothing out of the ordinary together. We went to dinner once, went to yoga class with our friend Karen, walked the dogs when she came in town etc.. We talk on the phone and we e-mail each other. The problem with my husband is - he does not like her - never has. Anytime I do anything with her, he "invents" reasons to be mad at me. He says that I don't answer my cell phone etc.. One Saturday, he said he was going to take our son and his cousin to the race track. I was going to yoga that morning with my friend and our other friend Karen. I knew he and the boys would be gone at the track for probably a good portion of the day. After yoga, my friend and I went to get some lunch, went to a nursery and bought some flowers, and then went to the Humane Society to pick up her dog that she was adopting. At around 3 pm I see on my cell that my husband called. I call him back and I tell him where we are at (Humane Soc.) He is mad - I can tell. He tells me that he could not get ahold of me and he was not able to take the boys to the track b/c he does not have any cash. I said "you did not tell me that you needed money, why didn't you go to the bank before noon and get money out of our checking?" (Our bank is open on Saturdays til noon). There was plenty of money in there. "Why do you not know your pin # for your ATM card?" If you knew your pin, then you could have taken money out at any ATM. He was basically insinuating that it was my fault that they did not get to go. What does he expect me to do drive all the way from the northside of town (where I was at) to the southside (where we live) just so that I could give him cash? This is just one example out of hundreds that I could share. I am sorry if I am going on and on - but it is so nice just to be able to get this off my chest. I really don't tell anyone about all this - just my friend and my sister. I would appreciate any and all advice. I am really at the end of my rope. I feel that I have tried to fix this relationship and I just cannot. He will find a reason, any reason to get mad at me when I do things with her or talk to her.
Thanks. One of the issues with us is I lost weight so he finds me somewhat attractive but the OM made me a running schedule so he sees my weight loss for OM and not anyone else. I don't blame him but I don't know how to show him it wasn't for him. And how do you make yourself attractive to someone who is repulsed at "the new you"??
UA: I lost weight just dealing with this issue (40 lbs) and my H keeps telling me how much he likes the new me. But that doesn't stop the "is it for someone else" questions. I wouldn't tell him that it's your stress that's causing it, it will seem like you are blaming him. Part of my problem was always self esteem - so I tell him that weighing less is something that makes "me" feel good. Not turning to anyone or anything else to do it.
