W and I get along very well, do things together a few times a week and are intimate 1-3 times weekly, yet she persists on pursuing divorce. No OM involved.
W is a WAW, very confused and cycles so she is probably slightly MLC as well. Currently on 3rd touch and go in 4 months time.
Just curious if anyone else out there experienced this...
Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:
As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.
For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.
Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.
Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.
I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."
But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.
One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.
Michele
-------------------- The Divorce Buster
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
NOPE, never did this... But I would say as long as there is not OP involved in your sitch and you aren't being "used"... IE your emotional needs are also being met, then go w/ the flow. IF on the other hand, she is just using you to make herself feel better and then being very callous w/ regard to you, you may need to evaluate whether setting boundaries w/ her would be appropriate.
I would give anything for the opportunity. When H came around in July. We were kissing on our deck and he said that I still had that affect on him. I still wish I had asked him what he wanted to do about it. I didn't and wished I had as soon as he left. I can't help but think things might not have started with OW, if I had taken care of his needs that night. They got together from 1 to 3 weeks after that night.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
hi there. happy new year to you. haven't seen you post anymore this last month, hopefully you'll get this post.
i am going through the same situation as you. my H has been coming around more often but he avoids me as well. he's got me tip-toeing around him, it's making me nauseous to tell you the truth! i've made a commitment to myself for this year. no more walking on eggshells. i will say what is in my heart......within reason. i'm not going to tell him i miss him or i love him etc etc. we've been intimate a few times and those times have been confusing for me afterwards. i don't know what's up with him. does he want me back under certain conditions. does he just want sex with me. I DON'T KNOW! he still wants the divorce. he told me he postponed it because he couldn't afford his lawyer. new year new rules. what's to say he's ready to move forward in court this month? we haven't tried anything regarding our marriage. we've talked but nothing else.
i did manage to think things through. if i don't feel comfortable being intimate with him then i won't do it. i'm not helping myself at all by doing it. he's obviously not staying home for good. i'm just using my body to make him happy for a few moments. new year new rules! i managed to be "alone" for over 4 months. i think i can manage that again. i've been seperated for 9 months now. i'm missing him more than ever (holidays). but i cannot and will not go another year with this heartache.
"it's a crazy rollercoaster ride that i can't seem to get off of".....
me = 33 H = 35 kids = 3 bom = march 24 he filed = april 20
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
