I am now getting to a place where I understand my need for cuddles/sex/affection and what I have been sacrificing to get those. I have been sacrificing my self-respect and putting up with ignominious treatment from my H just because every now and then he is pleasant and he will be affectionate and ML with me. I am being short-changed and I now see that I have been allowing myself to believe we are making progress when these episodes occur rather than understanding that I have been getting my "fix", feeling cheered up and better able to weather whatever comes next for a period of time. Nothing changes. Things do not get better. They stay the same.
On sunday H drank more than half a bottle of gin, as well as having had 2 or 3 glasses of wine earlier in the evening. He had a lot of work to do to prepare for the coming week and he knew there were potential pitfalls ahead. He was feeling stressed at the prospect which is probably why he drank far more than the already over the top amount he usually drinks. Well of course the inevitable happened. Something sparked him off and he had a huge screaming row at me. I did not engage with it, I looked at a spot on the wall over his shoulder. Eventually he blew himself out. I was so angry all day. We got together on Monday night for a chat. I told him off for drinking 3/4 bottle of gin. He claimed not to have done, he claimed the bottle was already open. I don't know why that took the wind out of my sails and stopped me from telling him that I can't take that behaviour any longer. I went out to choir practice, came home. Later that night we were in bed. H snuggled up and started to initiate - yes H started to initiate. My mind was in total turmoil, here he was actually initiating for the first time in months but I was still angry with him for the previous night's behaviour. I tried very hard to make myself go with it but I just couldn't, because although half of me was saying this is exactly what you've been wanting for over a year and here he is doing what you want - welcome it. The other half was saying don't put up with his BS behaviour don't let the bad behaviour slide like you have so many times before you can't keep letting him get away with this Jekyll and Hyde stuff. So in the end I didn't go with it. In the end I said "sorry H, I'm still haven't got over last night. I can't live with this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour". His said he knew he'd been bad but that was because he was so stressed out and he wanted to make it up to me by being nice, but if I was too angry to accept that..blah blah blah. I didn't bother to say much more. But I came to an understanding with myself. I know now that I am not prepared to continue being married to an alcoholic and I'm not prepared to continue to be mollified by his good behaviour. The good behaviour has to be sustained, the alcohol has to go or I go. He will still get stressed and pissy, he still won't be any kind of angel, but if he gives up alcohol I will know at least that that is not the problem and have more compassion to look for his real issues.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fran, congratulations on identifying some underlying feelings of yours... I sense that you are running out of rope on this sitch and that's good... now YOUR well-being is becoming a priority for you and that will be good for everyone. You will find a lot of good information here-- read the stickies. You are not the first or only spouse to find him/herself in this situation. Unfortunately it is very common. There is lots of help available. He must decide on his own to fight this demon-- if you get into the middle of it, he will think YOU are the problem, and alcohol gets let off the hook. He has to know that alcohol is messing up his life, not YOU and your demands, your moods, your arguing with him, your running hot and cold. See what I mean? If you talk about his drinking, YOU become the problem in his eyes. "The problem is not that I like my gin, the problem is that you won't get off my back about it!" So get off his back. Focus on YOU. You can do this and still live with him. When I was in alanon there were women there who had been married for decades to active alcoholics and were very happy. They knew where the boundaries were between his life/work and MY life/work. You cannot live his life or do his work for him. And while you are trying, YOUR life and your work go undone.
Quote: Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
Thanks Lil - I've been browsing around the sober recovery website and found some really interesting stuff. I've found some interesting material about of Love Avoidance and Love Addiction on this site. I guess it would appear that I am in some way love avoidant.
Pia Mellody is a counsellor who has developed the concept of the Love Addict and the Love Avoider.
"people who are love avoidant usually experience the need to take care of a parent in childhood."
This is me. - My mum had had an abused childhood and she needed us to love her not the other way around.
And all along I've been thinking H was avoiding me! Well maybe he has but I think for much of the time this has suited me.
Weirdly enough it seems H most likely is love avoidant too. Much of his behaviour especially the need to drink and workaholism fits the bill perfectly. Love avoiders are often over-enmeshed as children. H always describes his childhood as "very happy". I wonder whether he was over-enmeshed with his mother and suffocated by her.
Anyway, plenty of food for thought here.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
A good and important list. I would have to say yes to at least of them 10 wrt my parents, now deceased. I myself am very fortunatewrt drink. More than one beer and I'm liable to have a hangover to beat the band. But you know what, addiction is sneaky and can morph into other forms. For me, it's food. My family rarely ate out, maybe 1 dozen times in a year. But those were usually pretty fun times, as opposed to the bland food and hostility usually found at the dinner table. FF to 2005 and I would say I was eating over 200 meals a year at a restaurant (Believe it or not this is about the national average, about 4 times a week.) But I thought about it all the time. I've lost a lot of weight, 200# to 175# in the last year or so, but food is still my Achilles. And I still have a belly that my W rightly criticizes.
Alcohol, and the anxieties that caused it to be abused, directly killed my mom and two uncles, one of whom literally lived on the street. Two cousins committed suicide at 21 in part due to drug addictions. One brother has spent time in prison for possession of drugs. Maybe In should consider my self lucky, but it is a tough battle.
