NikkiB's new thread, new life

[*KS*Chick*]

sounds like you're really doing great Nikki!

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in.

I'm doing OK but I'm just feeling overwhelmed by sadness. H is starting to tie up various "loose ends," and it's so painful. He is sorting things and giving away stuff he doesn't want anymore, selling one of his racecars and moved the other one to a friend's house, etc. I have gum surgery next week and he keeps asking how long the recovery is. I think he's trying to figure out when to move. I told him I could find someone else to take me to the appointment and not to worry about it, but he said he wants to do it.

I'm doing my best "as if" I'm ok with it but it hurts, darn it. Especially when I don't really understand the purpose of this separation... particularly now that H is saying it has nothing to do with me. If it's not "me," why can't he work it out while he's here, you know?? I don't ask him that, it just eats away at me.

Our MC appointment is tomorrow. I have some questions I want to ask really badly, like did he change his mind on having kids, can he get past my physical strength issues, etc. but it seems like the wrong time. I just want him to know that I'm open to talking about those things if he decides to work things out... but unless/until he decides to work on things with me neither of those really matter I guess. It's weird because in MC he is adament that he's "done" but when we're home he talks a lot about not following through with it. I may ask what that's about.

I had yesterday off work due to Ford's funeral and I admit to wallowing a bit, but not in front of H. I made sure to dress up nice and get out of the house before he got home. Bought a shoe organizer (the bottom of our closet was a nightmare!), new welcome mat, little things. Then I went to the grocery store - I'm getting back into cooking normal meals again even if I'm the only one home. By total coincidence, I ran into H! He saw my car in the parking lot and actually looked for me in the store - seemed happy to see me and finished up shopping with me. Then when we got home he just seemed lost - sad, distant, overwhelmed, I'm not really sure. We spent a lot of decent time together and I kept a smile on my face but it just felt like he wasn't mentally here. He did make it a point to tell me that one of his coworkers didn't even recognize me at the party at first because I looked so different - said that made him proud and he wanted to make sure to tell me.

We worked on the sale listing for his racecar and he kept thanking me for my help over and over, "especially because of what I'm doing to you."

In his sleep last night he kept moving really close to me and even holding my hand. It was kinda cold in here and the dog was trying to get warm, so at one point I woke up huddled at the edge of the bed with the dog pressed up against my legs and H up againt my back. It felt like my whole "family" was right where they belonged. That's when the sadness started creeping in and has stuck with me. The rest of the night I had dreams about our honeymoon and other good times, interrupted by nightmares about "move out day." Ugh. How can we possibly be thinking/talking about losing everything we have and have had together???

At least I have all day to work on my PMA... I never in my life thought I'd like weekdays better than weekends, but right now the weekdays are so much easier.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Stay strong.. this is so hard.

[inspiredjulie]

Hi Nikki-

Just be strong. You can do this.

Especially when I don't really understand the purpose of this separation... particularly now that H is saying it has nothing to do with me. If it's not "me," why can't he work it out while he's here, you know?? I don't ask him that, it just eats away at me.

Just remember that it doesn't have to do w/ you and don't let it eat you up. He needs space and by getting out of the house, he is going to feel less pressure. This is a good thing, Nikki.

I have some questions I want to ask really badly, like did he change his mind on having kids, can he get past my physical strength issues, etc. but it seems like the wrong time. I just want him to know that I'm open to talking about those things if he decides to work things out...

Once again, I think the important thing here is to do the listening and validating. Don't ask these questions b/c right now whatever answer he gives won't matter. When he does work thru his crap, he will be able to handle these things, but for now, don't give him more reasons to hold out.

You can do this. You can be strong. It's ok to be upset and just reread the DR books so you can be maximizing your interactions. You have to really back off here, Nikki. He's beating himself up so don't do anything to make him turn that onto being your fault. Let him have his space. Don't tell him your needs or wants right now. He needs to figure out how to get his next breath before he can take care of you. Listen, listen, validate and listen. You need to really make this detachment happen right away so you don't backslide. Make him want to be with you.

Prayers for you, girl. You can do this. I see a lot of positives so start DBing to beat the band so that those positives can be capitalized on. Julie

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Hi Nikki,

Hopefully I remember everything I was going to talk about.

On the calcium, I would also say that the prevacid probably has something to do with your calcium absorption. Eating yogurt can help with calcium and with heartburn. Also, if your drinking soda, that will make heartburn worse (I'm pretty sure).

Congrats on all those compliments! That is awesome! I wish I had those too!

Regarding your statement about wondering why he can't figure things at home if it's not about you. I don't want to sound harsh, but right now IMHO he thinks he does not love you. not because it's you, but because he's lost it somehow. Or maybe he didn't have it before, he just doesn't know. So if he "leaves" you, separates from you, then this will help him answer his question "Do I still love her?".

But you are becoming such a great, beautiful, fun, strong person that I know he will answer that question with a big :"YES!".


OOh, and believe me, there were several times when my H was being nice to me, as yours with you holding your hand in bed, and the sadness just overwhelmed me and I couldn't help but cry. So I know what your going thru. I don't know how else to help you thru it except what you already know: detatch. Julie is right. It is hard, and don't worry about thinking you will want to give up your M. You want to do the right thing, you won't give up. Sure, you will question yourself later, is this what I really want? But that is normal.

Hang in there Nikki. You've come a long way.

Maybe even acting "as if" about the S, that you know that you guys will be back together after the S is over. Maybe that would help you for now?

Oh. maybe talk to the C about your H being in Depression. he seems to put himself down a lot. and if you are constantly upbeat around him, that might make things worse- have you seen any connection with that? Just curious.

Did you ever get the DR book? you do need to read that one instead.

About the religious thing. I don't think you can just become religious, it is something that grows. When you find Jesus, and truely know he is your saviour, you seek out others and you can fellowship with them, learning more about God and reading Jesus' words in the bible, and that brings you closer to God, and "religious" as you say. But I really do believe, that having that type of relationship with the Lord makes a huge difference. Just MHO

[NikB]

Thanks Julie - I really needed to hear everything that you said.

He talks so little in MC that it's hard to just listen and validate. Not because I don't want to, but because usually the MC asks "us" a question followed by a long silence then the MC asks me what I think. She's amazing at getting him to open up, more than I ever could've dreamed, but he's still SO closed. "Opening up" might be 3 words. I do notice that if after the long silence I say "I can't speak for H but here's what I think he's trying to say..." or "here's what he said he felt last time we talked about this" he'll sometimes either agree or finally clarify what he means. Not sure if that's a good approach or not but it seems to kind of work. I stop talking the second he starts to say anything so he's free to keep going. You're totally right.. the kids and physical stuff questions are not appropriate right now. I keep wanting to push us into fast forward mode and I know we're not there ...<sigh>.

I think I want to ask why he's different in his "resolve" to give up on us at home vs. there... not sure if that's a good idea. Any thoughts? I don't want to pressure but it is really confusing and I'd like to find out why and if the MC has any perspective.

I am actually finally starting to accept that him moving out might be good and less pressure (on both of us) is important, but dang it the detaching is hard isn't it?? Julie, you are so good at it - I really admire you for it!! I try but I know I'm not there and need to be FAST. All the friends at the party who said they'd be there for me really helped me gain some strength. And one happens to be a counselor as well plus a race "freak" like H is so she really seems to understand him and is supportive of us both. His one guy friend told me the same thing, it's not me and leave him alone to deal with it... it's just so darn hard. Actually that reminds me, the two D'd friends at the party who have really been in my corner kept talking to H about how hard it was to date when you're "damaged goods" and "can't trust anyone anymore" - not big serious talks but they kept mentioning it. It seems to be making H think some.

You make a really good point that he's blaming himself and not me right now and that's HUGE... I need to focus on that and give him time. He keeps telling me how great I am and that he's an idiot, jerk, etc. Makes me feel so bad because I LOVE this man and want to make him stop hurting, but I can't.

Hmm just had a thought, I should try to think of it like those times he was with me in the hospital with my broken leg and I was delirious with pain but he couldn't do a darn thing. This is quieter but in a lot of ways maybe the same.

Wish I could read DR at work, I could use the refresher before MC tomorrow!! (well guess I COULD but not that comfortable with it...). I will at least sneak in a few chapters at lunch though.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I'll check in with you soon!

[NikB]

Hi Stilltryin - thanks!!

Good point on the yogurt! I've been having salad with cottage cheese for lunch but I forgot about yogurt and heartburn. I only have one diet soda a day but may need to give it up... I recently heard it's bad for calcium absorption too.

You'll get those compliments one day, I know it!! Wish I could introduce you to H's flirty guy friends, they are all about the compliments.. But good guys and would never act on it or hurt each other.

You didn't sound harsh and thank you for the reminder that he feels "out of love" with me. I know it sounds silly but I keep forgetting that. I mean I can type it here but in my head I think "I know he still loves me, look how he acts!" but you're right. He at worst doesn't love me or at best isn't sure. Ouch, but true. I probably need more reminders even if it hurts.

Do you think the acting "as if" we'll be together after the S is pressuring?? I was reading Pipeliner's Wife's (think that's her name?) threads earlier and it seemed to really work for her. It's sure easier to do than thinking "this is it" and it seems to kind of work for my H, but I don't want him to feel pressured.

I forgot to mention ... when I packed up the Christmas stuff I packed our ornaments and stockings in separate boxes, one of my "as if we're separating" moments. I didn't make a big deal out of it, just did it. He asked about the extra box when he put away the Christmas stuff and I said "Oh I just packed our stuff in different boxes just in case.. no big deal." He was so funny about it.. said "That must have really hurt, you didn't have to do that" and I was really casual, just said "Nah no biggie, I think we'll be fine but just in case I thought it would be easier now while I'm taking stuff off the tree." Bad? Good? I can't really tell. He wanted our Christmas stuff packed "together" so I have to think he's hopeful for next year.

I did get DR and agree it's clearer - thanks!! I need to re-read it. I got caught up in the holidays and stress and need to take time to slow down, re-read, and focus.

Thanks for the idea about bringing up H's depression with the MC. I'm actually not super upbeat around him most times, mostly on the happy side of "neutral." If his mood is great then I'm really upbeat - if he's kind of iffy, I'm just getting on with life and reasonably happy about the basics but not overly "cheery." I'm not sure if that's right but it seems better than acting all perky when he's totally down. The times he seems darkest is when he says he's stupid, an idiot, a JA, etc. but I can't really tell when those times are related to. Mostly seems to be anytime he's serious about the separation, actually. We focused on my depression in one past session but I think he might need some help there too. He told me yesterday I seem more relaxed in the last few days and he wondered if it was the ADs. I don't FEEL more relaxed but who knows, maybe he's right. I told him I was going to see a separate IC who's covered by my insurance to deal with my own stuff and gave him the referral phone # to set up free sessions for himself if he wants. He said he didn't want to go to someone new, wanted to see our MC separately even if it's $100 a session - he really seems to have a connection with her.

About religion - I do take your words to heart, and thank you!! The one religion I've felt closest to was actually Buddhism, mostly for the meditation... I'd like to get back to at least the meditation, for now. I took a religious studies class in college and will never forget spending a weekend with my Buddhist Poetry class sleeping on the floor and meditating while the rain fell outside. It was really amazing. I guess I'm more the agnostic than atheist... I think something / someone might be out there, just not sure what / who it is or where / how to find it. If that makes any sense. Sorry, kinda rambling!

Thanks again... I'll keep all of you in mind as I'm in MC tomorrow. How is it that I keep thinking "this'll be our toughest session yet" just keeps getting tougher each time????

[NikB]

Hi everyone,

I know I’ve got another page or so to go before this locks up, but thought it might be a good time to move on over to Newcomers. I know I’m not really a “newcomer” but the EA seems to be over with, so posting in here doesn’t seem like the right place anymore. I guess I may be in the “Separated” section pretty soon but will hang out in Newcomers for now. I’ll keep checking in over here and on all of you though. My new thread’s linked in my signature – hope to keep hearing from you!

[wedge]

Hi Nikki,
I have kind of followed your thread from the start... you know how it goes, similar sitches. I am sorry to read that this is where your R is going. It could be a wakeup call for your H though, sometimes time apart does wonders. I hope it applies to your R.

[NikB]

Hi Wedge,

So sorry to hear you're in a similar sitch. It makes me almost sick to see how many of us there are and how similar our situations are. I feel like "if I knew then what I know now" nothing would be the same.

Thanks for your words of support.

I have no energy to post details of our MC right now and will probably post it on the new thead... but in short it went about like I thought, an hour's worth of hashing out separation details. BUT I am very happy that H was willing to talk through it all with me and we came to a lot of good understandings I think. The MC said she had huge respect for us both for working through it and thinking hard instead of jumping into any actions.

I just wish it hurt less.