Can someone, maybe a WAW, help me understand why my wife is back if she still loves the OM? I think it is just for the kids. I've told her I would never keep the kids away from her. I just don't understand.
By the way, I just read toughlovers what I want for Christmas post. Congratulations, TL, and I hope I am there some day. About 6 months of work huh? Give or take 12+ months?
M45, W4,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06
current thread
All this help me understand stuff is something we call a cheeseless tunnel, and your wife is going to resent the hell out of you for having that attitude. My wife did and I'm responding here because you remind me so much of myself when I started this stuff. It makes her feel like she's being poked and prodded by aliens when you exhibit that attitude.
There's nothing to understand.
That's hard for us analytical types to accept. She may explain some things to you when she trusts you again. She acted purely on her feelings when she left...avoidance of pain (your marriage) and pursuit of pleasure (OM). But that stuff is fleeting. She's not an animal. And the fact that she's back now means that there's some more serious thought taking place, but she may not even be aware of that and she'll never share that with you so don't bother.
She went to be with OM because he made her feel good, but then started feeling what it's like to be the kind of woman who abandons her children to go shack up with some other guy she thinks is the cat's meow but who is really just a blank screen for her to project all her ideals and fantasies onto. Until she realizes that he's just a blank screen, that those fantasies are just that. She may think that, may not, who cares?
That kind of love is adolescent. It's just enough to get people into trouble and nothing more unless it's shared within a commitment to be truly responsible for the relationship, and she doesn't have that with the OM and can't right now. So don't give her any more reason to break up your family and go give it a try for real.
And if you say those things to her, she'll hate you and you'll add days or weeks or months onto this process and heap untold misery upon yourself.
She's back cause she's confused and conflicted. She's back cause she doesn't want to abandon her kids and live with that. She's back because she doesn't really, deep down, have the love she truly needs, even from the OM. She may even be hoping that there's more to your M than she realizes and doesn't want to really blow things. There may be problems with the OM...he may have, and probably does have, some serious problems of his own (we all think the OP is perfection, but a great person isn't going to screw another person's spouse).
My W said she was committing to the marriage because she couldn't abandon her kids and because it was the right thing to do. I could've been a wooden indian for all she cared.
Chances are your W can't tell you why she's back. Either way, she's probably not going to tell you it's because, deep down, she's madly in love with you right now, so I hope you're not wishing for that.
It just doesn't matter. She's back. She's giving your marriage and family a chance. If that's what you want, be greatful. Be a great husband and father. Love her as much as she'll let you. Love her by taking care of the home and the kids and yourself (don't burden her with your grief) and your life so that she will have something good to step back into if and when she decides to do that.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thanks TL. I think I'll need to have those lessons beat into my head over and over again. I'm at work, feeling scared, angry, sad, trying to get my strength up to go home. This bb is great for venting, helping relieve the stress, making it possible to do what needs to be done.
By the way, do you work? Are you always on line here? Are you a DB coach? Just curious. I'm glad your here, and fast at responding.
Enjoy your vacation.
M45, W4,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06
current thread
I am not in piecing yet. I'm not close, but I have been battling thoughts about the OM all day and you just helped me correct some of those thoughts before I try and sleep. I was viewing him as her "match", her knight. I know that can't be true, but that's where I was at all day.
Thank you for posing that question Kirby and thank you for your post TL.
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
OK, so he's a man who's been there done that, it is hard but you can achieve the same piece of mind, it is a hard road but we can all become better persons at the end, regardless of what happens.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Nope. hang out here when I have some time and the family is otherwise occupied.
Quote: Are you a DB coach?
Hardly...just an average guy like you. It's just that back in the summer I was where you are now, and understand the fear, confusion, anger, hurt, and jealousy you're going through. I've been there. Occasionally, it tries to suck me back in
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I've got a link at the end of this post to my first post in the Infidelity forum.
You can also just click on my name and go to the profile page, and select "show all posts for this user" and you'll get a list of all my posts and replies, starting with the most recent. However, to get back to the early ones, keep clicking the "Next" option. I think it'll take about 10 pages or so to get back to the early ones.
