There is good stuff here and right on the money. I often leave convos with H feeling like "Gee, I wish I would have used my couseling skills and paraphrased what he said and asked him to do the same." So often, you just slip into some old pattern and spin your wheels right in the same exact rut.
I found counseling with H to be extemely frustrating - he can talk circles around most people and they don't even realize that he hasn't told them anything of any consequence. Sometimes I think we would benefit greatly by going to a male counselor. H also uses his charm to disarm women and it does work. After quite a few sessions the C met with just me and said that she realized he hadn't told her squat but gee, lots of marriages are happy without much of a sex life (like hers) and I seemed happy with him in every other way... Then a few weeks later, her affair was exposed and she left her husband. Go figure. I realize that this was a weird anomaly and that another counselor could be more effective. I would just choose very carefully. I'm actually more of a mindset to just go to someone myself and never mind H.
Last night we went to DD9's chorus concert and H dropped me at the curb to go find a seat. So, I choose a seat with plenty of empty seats beside it and H goes three rows further back so he can put his foot up without saying a word. I just stayed where I was. Five minutes later H sent DS15 to say why didn't I join him, he just sat back there so he could put his foot up - easier on his hip joint. Later, we went to get ice cream with the kids. He decided he was done and so was DD2 (everyone was basically done) and without a word he picked up DD and went to the car. I honestly thought he had gone to the bathroom. Finally, he turned the lights on in the car and I realized that they were sitting in it and got the other kids together and got in the car too. This kind of stuff has happened a lot recently and doesn't make me feel too confident in approaching the other issues. He has been a lousy communicator lately.
OK, so you have the skills, you know him well enough to know that he's likely to talk circles and you can tell when he's doing it. He's being a lousy communicator, but then so are you if you are putting up with it. Call him on the crap (nicely, and in a loving way, mind you). Put your communication skills to work and pull what you need out of him. It sounds to me an awful lot like he is purposely distancing himself from you, probably to avoid the seething resentment you have for him. Who can blame him. Heck, I do the same thing. This is as much your doing as it is his. You are going to have to throw the rope in order to reel him back in. I'm sorry to say it, but it looks to me like the ball is squarely in your court. Talk *with* him, like now.
He initiated the distance but I maintained it. I don't know why he intially started keeping his distance (he tends toward holiday depression) but it started after we came back from vacation in mid October. As my birthday passed with no sex and Thanksgiving passed with no sex AND very little affection I just chose not to do anything at all. So - I without a doubt maintained it and he without a doubt suspects that I am angry and that makes him more petrified than ever although our daily interactions are pleasant and even sometimes fun.
I do know when he is talking circles but (I hate to say it) I sometimes realize far too late. By the time I recognize it sometimes he has already halfway convinced even me that there is no problem or that it is "stress". The next day or a couple of hours later I find myself thinking - DAMN - he did it again. I love the big dummy and I too am overly susceptible to his charms. By charms I don't even mean looks although I think he is handsome - he is just very persuasive and my own guilt over actually having needs makes me too willing to give in.
You are right. I do need to talk with him and I probably shouldn't wait although this may come down on me like acid rain and I may be sorry that I ever brought it up. OTOH - it is a shame to ignore the charms of this nice, round second trimester body. I actually like my second trimester shape - the breasts are still bigger than the belly. In a few weeks that won't be the case!
Karen, He is mad at you because you are mad at him. It comes out so clearly when others are reading it, you know? He is doing it in a way that feels crummy to you but you can't exactly call him on it cause he has a ready excuse..."oh I was just trying to put my leg up"..
The talking in circles I can relate to. MrH is a horrible communicator and I couldn't count the number of times I've had to say, Yes but we are talking about abc right now..and lead him back to the topic at hand. You will have to get adept at this, I think. My H is a very intelligent guy but when others are mad at him he gets so flustered that he literally cannot focus on what is being said and I have to repeatedly (gently) remind him what we are talking about. It takes every last bit of patience I have because these reminders sometimes happen every other sentence. It gets to the point that I think he's doing it on purpose just to p*ss me off but the longer I know him, the more I see that he can't help himself. He's in that fight or flight mode, ya know?
Anyway, my advice is to STOP the silent war going on in your house by saying something like this: "I feel like we're not connecting very well lately and we are both creating and maintaining distance with the other. I'd like to stop that tonight." end of story. Somebody's got to break the ice and your H has a history of not being able to do that. Mine does too. Wanna know how he tries to do it? By acting like nothing ever happened! Idiots.
Anyway, good luck with everything--I have no doubt you are ravishing in your 2nd trimester!
Thanks. I have no doubt that you are completely right. He is mad at me because I am mad at him. He may have started it originally but then again he tends to be such a bear when getting re-organized after trips he may think I started it. Who cares really? I have started (in the last couple of days) to mentally let him off the hook and that will go a long way toward bringing this up without it choking in my throat. You are so much more patient than I about tolerating your H's communication (or lack thereof) style and yet, keeping your agenda on the table. I just end up getting led astray of my agenda or just agreeing with him "Yeah, must be the stress" to get out of the ridiculous circular convo.
I'm not too bad for a 39yo preggo babe. Had to laugh. MIL sent me a nightgown and robe fit for an 80 year old lady in a nursing home in a fetching shade of "baby blue" - even H laughed when I said how lovely it would look on me when I am ready for the nursing home! She meant it for the hospital and I appreciate the gesture. Luckily, she won't be attending the birth and will never know that I didn't wear it.
Hope you had a very Merry Christmas. H's tendonitis continued to hurt the past few days although he seems to be getting somewhat better. He commented in the car that he was hoping we would find some time this week (I'm off work all week) to have an "afternoon nap" and he would have to be creative about the hip pain. This is the first sexual remark he has made in over two months. I still haven't had a moment to talk to him. We have had too many guests, places to go and opposing sleep schedules for me to bring something up - going to see relatives with red swollen eyes or arguing the hour before the house fills up with people just doesn't seem like a good idea. The thing is - at least he has said something to open the discussion. I am just stunned (as usual) that he can let our SL go for months on end, then make a mild sexual comment with no follow up. Is it appeasing me? Is the purpose for me to jump in the driver's seat. Damn it - I just hate this game. I guess I have found his outside limit for mentioning it, I just haven't found his outside limit for doing something about it.
DD2 is wearing big girl panties for the last three days! She is great! Christmas was very nice and H did a lovely photo collage for my office with all sorts of family photos starting with our wedding. It is one of the most personal gifts he has ever given me. I was very touched by it and appreciate it greatly. He is a very good guy - if an absolute idiot about some things. He also bought College football National Championship t-shirts for the whole family - our alma mater's play each other for the first time ever on Jan 8 - should be fun.
I don't think it's that mysterious! They make comments and sit back and wait for you gals to take it to the next level. My H sees it like this too (or he did until the last year)...he lobs the ball over the net and if I return it, we'll have sex. If I sat back and waited for him to pursue it further, he assumes that I am not interested and am tactfully turning him down. EVEN IF he knows that I have a) never turned him down; b) requested more sex umpteen times; or c) been upset at the lack of sex recently. No advice for you ladies, just wanted to say that I know this dynamic well.
Karen, here's a potty training story for ya. We have a long Xmas drive to H's parents (about an hour) and babypot fell asleep in the car. She was wearing big girl panties and must have potty'd in her sleep, all over the carseat and her dress. H's family has this 'habit' of making a person stand outside the door and wait and wait, while they pretend they didn't hear the doorbell/knock. So I haul a dripping baby up to the door and find that they have locked it and are making me wait and so I had a little hissy upon them opening the door at last, but I apologized for it. Just as soon as I was done giving the baby a bath, washing her clothes out in the sink, changing her clothes and then hanging the wet ones on the fireplace to dry. Ahhhhhhhhhh, Merry Potty Training!
Anyway, we had an absolutely lovely Christmas. We really acted as a team, which is hard for us (I know you and your H are much better at it) during stressful times. God bless you and yours! xo
I'm not too bad for a 39yo preggo babe. 
