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[sadkimby]

I was not trying to be sarcastic sorry if I came acrossed that way. I know that there are ALOT of people out there trying to get some kind of advise with thier problems too. I guess that is why I came back here I knew that I would get the right kind.

I also know what I have to do for the health of the R with my H, and that is to get rid of the tempation that is out there. Even though it means cutting my tie with a friend so be it. I guess the last couple of days have made me realize that to me nothing means more to me than my H. Even with all of his flaws I just love him to death.

[sadkimby]

Do I tell H about what happened? I feel that I should but not the WHOLE thing, this is another thing that I have been struggleing with this week along with how to tell my friend that I have to stop seeing him. The later I have figured out, we are getting together on Saturday afternoon, he wanted to do dinner and a movie at his place, I nixed that, bad very very very bad.
I think I already know the answer to this question too but I guess what I am looking for is a confirmation that what I am doing is the right thing.

[NikB]

Sadkimby - if you are truly going to break it off, no, I wouldn't tell H about it. If he asks don't lie, but I don't see any reason to bring it up. I'd be curious what others think though. If he asks why you cut off contact w/the friend or stopped pressuring him to be friends with the guy, I'd be ready with an answer though. Again don't lie but don't provide TOO much detail as it will only hurt him. Maybe just say you were afraid your friendship wasn't healthy for the marriage or you thought you were spending too much time with him and realized you'd rather spend it with your H - something like that.

If you're bored you can read through my threads (linked in my signature). I was/am in a somewhat similar situation but on the opposite side of it (my H's "friend" was getting way too close emotionally although not physically). Onceuponatime had a similar situation too. In my case the friendship was only a year or so old so it wasn't quite the same, but it still might give you some insights as to what it's like on the other side.

I think THE single most hurtful thing my H did besides letting himself get too close to her, was trying to get me to be friends with her. He'd tell me all her great qualities and all I could see was a threat and I felt like I had to compete with her. I tried to like her, I really did, and I felt like a horrible person for not being able to like her. I even felt like a bad wife for not understanding H's friendship with her or being able to support it. It took a long time for me to get a better understanding of what was going on. But I just couldn't stand being around them, seeing the "spark" between them. Whether you think he can or not, your H can probably see it. My H and even his friend would ask me what, specifically they did that was "wrong" and I couldn't even put my finger on it. I mean there were certain blatant things, but most of it was just nothing you could really identify. It was the way they both acted around each other even when you could see them trying NOT to act close.

Hope that this helps some. If you want to save your marriage you are definitely doing the right thing. After reading so many stories here, I am starting to think that the second you have the smallest doubt about the appropriateness of an opposite sex friendship, it's time to cut it off if you really want a healthy marriage. Just my two cents...

[sadkimby]

Nikki- Popped over and read some and skimmed over some on your post. WOW what can I say, I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is good to see the opposite side of things, granted my sitch is simlar but not quite the same, I am willing to sacrifice for my M. Yes I think that I will have to answer some questions but I will handle that with care. But thanks for the advice I would have made a mistake then, I thought for sure that the it would be the opposite response that I should tell him what happened.
I have not forced a friendship between the two of them but there is one developing, H even asked last week if Friend would want to play in a card toury that H was organizing, which I thought that was cool.
I keep kicking myself for letting this happen. I have been thinking all week what if I would have reacted differently, like I did the first time this happened with him. Well at that time he did not confess is love for me, but I told him that we were too good of friends and I would not let that happen. And what the out come would have been. I know that I can not change what I did or how I reacted just deal with that I am going to do about it, I know that is the correct DB thing to do.

[NikB]

Thanks Sadkimby. Yeah things are not so great for me at the moment… but, trying to keep the hope and knowledge alive that they will improve.

There are definitely some differences in our situations and I think they’re important ones. I’d still recommend cutting things off though, just because you have that little bit of nagging doubt. I remember in a psych class back in college we learned a little about marriage/divorce and they said the #1 factor in many cases was the “availability” of another person. It makes it easier to leave because you know you won’t be alone.

If you’re interested at all I found this link that talks more about “to tell or not to tell”:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/telling.html

Apparently the advice I gave you follows conventional wisdom, but she makes some good points in favor of telling. Quick note – I realize what happened isn’t exactly an affair, but some aspects are similar so I thought it might still help. After looking that over I wonder if it might be better to tell him SOMETHING but just be really careful about how, when, and what your intentions are. If you’re just telling him to get rid of the guilt, I wouldn’t do it.

Dunno… hope that helps a little. I’m so darn confused myself right now I feel a little silly offering advice!!

[DavidM]

Sadkimby:

I'm sorry to hear you're in this sitch... but the good news is you recognize it for what it is... A NOT GOOD RELATIONSHIP!
Please don't delude yourself that you can stay "just friends"... sooner or later something WILL come up w/ you and H and you will start thinking WTH am I doing w/ H.... and guess where you will turn?

PIGLET said it best...

I finally had to cut off almost all private contact with him. I realized how much energy our relationship was taking from our significant others. And, it wasnt fair to have that with him when we've promised to remain emotionally and physically faithful to someone else.

Spend your energy on your H!!!

And if you think I'm fooling... read my thread. XW decided that OM, a friend of ours was Mr. Wonderful. He wasn't the reason we got div'd, but it sure clouded her judgement. And he now has apologized to me for his actions... realized he shouldn't ever have let things get so close.

Please don't let this upset your apple cart. It's normal to be attracted to other people... just don't act on it. And realize that M/R's take a lot of effort. But the consequences of NOT working on your M/R are far worse. Trust me. XW and I could have made significant inroads to our issues and come through a lot better off, our kids too.. She chickened out and walked. OM dumped her after three months!

Now she's w/ a guy she met in July and already living w/ him and engaged! And she thinks its ME who was afraid to be alone and that's why I wanted her back... Jeez.

[sadkimby]

Nikki, You hit it on the head with the guilt, that is the problem, I feel SO guilty about what happened, I thought that telling him would help that, but it would only help me and definatly make things worst between H and I. So I think that I will keep things under wraps for a while and see where things go from here.

Dunno… hope that helps a little. I’m so darn confused myself right now I feel a little silly offering advice!!

I would not worry some of the stuff that I came up with while I was confused still got through to the poeple I was posting to.

Both you and David are saying the same thing about avaliblity. I think he would make himself avalible to me when every I asked him to, but that is just the kind of person he is. OK availbe to talk to.

David, You are right here.

sooner or later something WILL come up w/ you and H and you will start thinking WTH am I doing w/ H.... and guess where you will turn?

Not sure if you read the complete thread but when H was having his affair the thought did cross my mind that this guy would not be a bad guy to go out with. Maybe becasue he was convinent or maybe because he was there to see me at my worst, not sure.

I do know that there will be no alone time with him. If there is an occation to go out with friends, frist and for most H will be coming along, and if for some reason he can not I will be going alone and leaving alone, even if my friend is going. No more just going over to his place to hang out or just to talk.

I have worked far too hard to get to where H and I are to just throw it away, and I hope that my friend will see it the same way. He and I are getting together tomorrow afternoon to talk.

[NikB]

Hi sadkimby, hope that it goes well today (it's today right?).

I wish you could talk to my H - I know he had the "big talk" with his friend recently too. Granted again it was a different situation, but I think the talks will probably be quite similar. We haven't talked a lot about it but he did tell me a little right after it happened. The first conversation he told her that they needed to "stop hanging around each other so much" which didn't really get the point across.

The second conversation he told her that he's very confused, needs time to think, and he can't do it with her so much a part of his life. He told her they could talk at work but not be alone together or hang out after work or on weekends (I know he hasn't stuck to this one 100% because big groups of them go to happy hour after work, but apparently they aren't hanging out 'together' at those anymore). He also told her that they wouldn't be skiing together so she needs to find other people to go with.

I think she also knew he planned to separate even before I did - he told her he needed BOTH of us out of his life so he could think straight. Anyway he said it was very hard but he feels it was the right thing to do. He also felt he had to be THAT clear with her about what he was doing and why. In the past when he's pulled away from her it hasn't worked very well so this time he was very cut and dried and careful not to send mixed messages.

Not meaning to hijack your thread, just hoped that some of that might be useful for you. Good luck.

[sadkimby]

Yes it was today I don't have much time D wants to play a game. I will post more later but it all I can say for now it did not go as planned.

[sadkimby]

Let me start off by saying I went over to the "I'm thinking about leaving" board read a couple of posts over there and I could completely relate to some of the posts over there. Thier spouses don't respect or appreciate them at all, that is a big problem with me. Before H had is affair there were occations that I thought about packing up a leaving everything behind and not turning back, but the only place that really works is the movies, reality set in a I stayed. So why I stayed with him after the affair, I had an out no question. I have always felt like a failure, never able to accomplish anything (thanks to H) so I thought if I can make this work I will have accomplished somthing huge, I got him back. Part of me was scared to responsible for me and no one else, scared of what the family will think, cousin screwed around on his wife and they crucified him behind his back.
I have told H that I thought that he would have put more effort into our relationship, I told him what I want, knowing that he is not a mind reader, but he just blows things off because they are not important. Before last X-mas we as a family did not have a vaction, our D was 10. H races most of the summer so to find a weekend then is impossible, if he is not racing he is fixing the car for the next race or is working on getting one ready so when the other is trashed it is ready to drop the motor and trany in and off again. Don't get me wrong I actually like helping him on the car and going to the races but it just consumes so much time. Then when winter comes along he bowls so there are tournaments alot on the weekends too. I have started bowling not the best at it but that too has become a very frustrating thing for me. He is a very good bowler but me with my 128 average, I want to get better and I am willing to practice but H will not come to the bowling alley with me so I know what I am doing right or wrong. The only time that there is any coaching going on is in the league that we bowl in, OH and he is a very competitive person, hates to loose. He gets so nasty with me when I start to do something wrong, like my approach is too fast or I don't keep my arm straight. He has told me that he made the OW the bowler that she is today, about a 165 average, which pi$$es me off, I think why don't you help me the way that you helped her, she was worth it why am I not. Everyone on the team sees what he does to me and tries to help by telling me when I do do something right so I feel better about my self but why can't H do that for me.

OK sorry about that I just needed to get some of that off my chest.

Now on to what happened when I went over to my friends house to talk about the sitch that happened last weekend. We talked about it and I feel that he will be able to keep his distance but that is something that I will have to control too. He said that he would not stop asking me to do things but would understand if I had plans with H. I can control what I do with him and stop all private contact with him. We talked the WHAT IF'S that I was starting to have, and he told me that if I didn't want it to happen it would not have, damn free will we have. But I did come away from our converstion with a better understanding where he is at with all of this. He was disappointed that I was going to stay with H but I told him that is what I need to do for now, I am not ready to make that decision yet. I talked about how I thought we were above reality right now and what will happen when the two worlds collide, I know it won't be pretty. My H does not deserve any of the pain that I went through when H was having his affair.

I hope that this post has opened some eyes to my world, I did say that things were good with H and I but H just does not get it some times.