OK Not a very creative title for a post but that is what I need.
I am back here becasue I put myself into a sitch that I don't know now what to do about it. I was here about two years ago with an H that had an affair so I KNOW the pain that it causes. Things between us have been going great so I don't know where this came from, blind sided me to say the least. This weekend I went out with some friends and H did not come along because he took our D 11 to a hockey game. One of my close friends, a guy, picked me up on the way to diner and drinks to celebrate a birthday of another friend in the group. All was good, even my SIL met us while we were out at the bar, this was actually nothing unsual for her to meet up with us. At the end of the night was when things started to get "hairy" for lack of a better description. On the way home he desided to stop at another bar but before we went in he told me that he is in love with me and has been for well over ten years, almost as long as I have been married.
I have to give a little bit of the back story. We have been friends since high school, I dated one of his best friends. Up until the marriage problems that I had earlier I would only see him a couple times a year, but since he was one that I turned to for a shoulder to cry on we talk several times a week. He even joked with me after things turned around with my H and I he was starting to feel a little left out because I was not calling him all the time with problems or just to vent about the stuipd things that H was doing at the time, heck I even do that now. I would say that we have become best friends. I do try to get my H to go out with us when ever possible so its not like I am trying to keep anything a secret from my H.
Now the problem with this is there are some mutual feelings. While I was having problems with my H and confideing in my friend, the thought did cross my mind, hey he would not be a bad guy to date but it was just that a thought, I never told him that until Saturday night. I would not say that I am in love with him that way, I love him as a friend. We did kiss but that was as far as it went. We talked ALOT about how he felt and how I was feeling now that I know. He bascially told me that he would risk life or limb for me. He is a biker and has friends in certian circles, if you know what I mean, and asked if that bothered me or not, it does not at all. He said that he will be OK with things if they would stay the same, but he would support me with whatever decision that I make. Basically if I would leave my H he would be there. I told him that I was very confussed and was not sure what to do about everything, and he was good with that. One thing that he is afraid of is that it will change what we have, a very good friendship, so he was taking a huge risk by even saying anything to me. We have talked since but neither of us have mentioned anything about Saturday night. Our conversations are the same as they were before, we talk alot about nothing. I am what you call a guys girl, like the outdoors, not afraid to get dirty, will talk about cars, sports, etc. I have always been that way. I don't want to cut him out of my life he is a very important part of it, and I to him.
Looking for any suggestions, has anybody else been in a simlar sitch.
BTW I do plan on staying with H, I worked too hard to get back with him and to have fun again with him to blow it now.
Sadkimby, I think you already have your answer. You said you plan to stay with your H. My advice is dump the friend, he can only be trouble. Keeping him around is like an alcololic keeping a bottle around but isn't planning to drink it. Dump him and commit to making your M wonderful again. If you are tempted, then there is something missing from your M, focus on that. What were you guys doing when times were good? Spending time together, communicating, dating? Think about those things. When do you feel closest to your H? Try and repeat those times. I know friends seem like the perfect solution but they are just as big a fantasy R as the person you don't really know. A friend spends certain amounts of time with you and they are REALLY with you. There aren't any bills, kids, in-laws, chores etc. to stand in the way of your R. That changes whenever we become involved with someone else, friend or not. You say you were taken by surprise, well now you are no longer surprised. You have a choice to make and I think by coming to this site you know the choice you need to make. Do it for yourself and your family. Dump the friend...end the friendship. "Just friends" won't work.
That is what I am struggleing with, I don't want to loose the friendship. I know that there would be no future there with him anyhow. I know that I crossed a line that should never have been crossed. Yes there are still somethings that H and I need to work on and maybe that fueled the fire some. Trust me I have looked inside myself over the last couple of days, and that is how I came to the desision to stay and not try a new relationship. I truely believe that my friend would respect that desision and not cross that line agian, it took him over ten years to try it again.
You know I do agree but two years ago he could have taken full advantage of the sitch, when I was emotionally very unstable looking for stablility. I am not quite sure why he did this when he did, he is afraid of exectly what you are telling me to do, and I know I should do. The correct DB thing is to get rid of him and throw him to the curb and look at the relationship I have with my H and figure out why what happened, happened.
I would be great to see what others think, I have read some of your other posts and you have given good advice.
A good friend is a friend of the marriage. I say keep him as a friend if you can, but only as a friend of you and your H's. Insist that your H always be involved when this friend is at a gathering. And, stop confiding in him. Those thoughts and feelings should be reserved for your H or a close girlfriend.
I too have a close male friend that confided that he's in love with me a few months ago. He's engaged to my best friend. He said he's felt this way for years, etc, doesnt want to lose our friendship.. will support whatever decision I make. I finally had to cut off almost all private contact with him. I realized how much energy our relationship was taking from our significant others. And, it wasnt fair to have that with him when we've promised to remain emotionally and physically faithful to someone else.
The only problem is in the middle of trying to repair things with my H, my one and only close girlfriend decided for lack of a better description wigged out on me, and I have not spoken to her in almost 18 months. I was concentrating on my R with H and had no time to deal with her too. Her and I have communicated through e-mail but NOTHING like it used to be, besides I would have a very hard time trusting her with any of this now. And there are just some things that you can not talk to you H about.
My friend IS a friend of the marriage, my H and I do go out with him and other friends, and that was my thought was to limit the time that I spend with him to be only when H can be around.
I do need to talk to my friend yet to let him know how I feel about it all and what I am going to expect in return. I think if the rules are laid out and I am very clear about it, there should not be any problem. I just want him to continue to date and find someone and be happy with them not me. Funny thing is that he just started to go out with a girl that he said was totally awesome and they are very good together, but she lives about 2 hours away.
OK I see that no one else wants to give thier opinion on the sitch. That is fine, but I would like to thank the couple poeple who did give thier input. Also to let me know that I was not the only one that this same thing has happened to, thanks Piglet2. But I am sure that Piglet was not the only one out there that had experienced the same type of sitch. Thanks
Quote: OK I see that no one else wants to give thier opinion on the sitch. That is fine, but I would like to thank the couple poeple who did give thier input. Also to let me know that I was not the only one that this same thing has happened to, thanks Piglet2. But I am sure that Piglet was not the only one out there that had experienced the same type of sitch. Thanks
You're wanting to work out your M and you're tempted by this "friend". Pretty cut and dried - he (the friend) has to go if you TRULY want to work on your M.
Just my two centavos!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
SadKimby, be patient with the BB. There are so many people looking for some kind of support and guidance. Just keep posting your thoughts and eventually more replies will come. Maybe you just don't like the replies that you've been getting,you know, DUMP HIM
