Well I'm new to this forum and I hate to hijack it but I need some help understanding what I'm going through. I'll start by telling you a little about myself; I'm a retired military member 42 years old I work out 4 times a week, and look really good. I would say that I'm not really good looking, but atractive. (you know what I mean). My wife is still active duty and we have two kids 3 and 8. We decided I would stay home with the kids for a while because if you can imagine we've been pretty busy the last couple of years before I retired. So I stay home do the laundry, clean, take the kids to school all the cooking, and keep a pretty good house. I'm actually pretty good at it, and I'm a full time student working on my Masters Degree. A little over 12 months ago I noticed we weren't having sex as often as I would like and I mentioned it to my wife. She doesn't really want to get in to it I guess, but fast forward to now and realize that it hasn't gotten any better. She is currently away on official business, and she was gone for 22 days, and I thought she would be happy to see me when she got back, so I set it up. Candles a bottle of wine, but i get no response. She drove for 4 hours to get home so I think yea I see that, I'll try it the next day, well its the same. We did have sex, but I felt like it was because she did it out of mercy or something. And oh while she's been gone she goes out every Friday and Saturday until 0230 or like Saturday didn't get in until 0300. I don't have a problem normally with her going out when she's on the road and I think the whole sex problem has made me wonder what the heck is going on. Well we got into a heated discussion, and she said she didn't have much of a sex drive, and says she doesn't even think about sex ever, and I don't talk to her. I try to talk to her, but I don't have much going on in my life exept for the kids, the house, and school. After about 30 minutes I'm done with what I have in my head, and she doesn't contribute to the talking that I can see. I really think she's cheating on me, but would like someone else to tell me what they think.
Thanks for the help, and no I don't have anyone to talk to but my mom, and man is that a weird talk with mom.
I won't comment on the cheating, because there's no way to tell, from what you've written. But a good place to start is with the SSM book, if you haven't already read it. If you can get your wife to read it too, that's even better... Internalize the idea that "I will not stay in a sex-starved marriage forever." Having kids makes this a much more difficult problem (I know; I have kids too).
Have you read Divorce Remedy....there may be LOTS of easier things to try...
Whenever there is significant change...like your roles reversing....the change will inevitably affect other areas of your life. Sexuality for women especially is affected by the other things going on in her life. Your wife probably needed a lot more transition than the wine and candles. You did a good job, it was nice setting the mood. But women often need DAYS of setting the mood.
We can be hard to figure out.
Even though you look great, you have different things to talk about...probably the things she used to be the expert on...correct me if I'm wrong....but if she did most of the kid stuff when you were both working.....it might feel out of whatck...even if she enjoys the situation. She may feel odd about relating to you romantically.
My suggestion to you is to do something outside the home (besides class) to have something to talk about, and this will add to your 'mystery'. So you seem more like a 'date' than a dad.
There could also be lots of other reasons her drive is low right now......if she's around your age she could have some perimenopausal symptoms, she could be stressed about work and/or money.
You could try 'dating' her too.
Having 'fun' very often leads to lovin'.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
First of all Shirt I know what you are going through. I read the SSM book and have been desperate to find help. My wife is AWOL and in our eleven and a half years of marriage she has had a zero sex drive. Our first night home after our wedding I asked what did she want to do, thinking romance and sex would be on the top of the list. Instead she wanted to go and visit my parents. It has never changed, so when you say that you are new to this; some of us have been fighting this for years. I have a nine, seven and half and four year old at home. So I understand where you are coming from. I also talk to my mom and trust me that is not fun. So if you need a shoulder to cry we should trade email address. You asked what can you do; you can read Michelle's book ( I think they are great) but in the end you are only responsible for you and you alone. It might be hard to hear that but in the end there is not much you can do to boost her libido. So try therapy, read the books, etc... but in the end if she is not going to change you face a tough road. I told my wife that my New Years resolution is to give her what she wants, a sex free marriage. I will not look at her lustfully, I will not approach her for sex. I am going to just focus on being friends. Today is day three of 2007 and I am already going insane.
Hi Shirt and helphubby.. Did you guys read Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs about how women need to be loved unconditionally while men need unconditional respect? Would it work to suggest it (tactfully and without pressure) for you and your W to read this book as homework and discuss the contents. Would you consider watching Michele's Marriage Breakthrough Seminar DVD with your W? There are also other books like Men and Venus in the Bedroom, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Also the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, to make sure that your W's love tank is also being filled so that she would feel loved and want to even consider giving you what you need. If you are sure you've tried your best to meet her needs and she still won't meet yours, you may want to point her very gently to "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" although it may be better if someone neutral does that. Otherwise, coming from you may not get her to read it unbiased.
Helphubby, I don't think your New Year resolution to look at your W without lust is a realistic goal. No wonder it's driving you insane. Please consider the books and DVD I mentioned above. ~PH
Yeah, I'm wondering about helphubby's W's reaction to that. I've pulled a similar kind of thing in the past with my W and what I got was, "You are being manipulative." And you know what, she was right. I might have been saying it because, on the surface, I didn't want any more conflict, and I was trying to be generous and loving, but, deep down, I really wanted a reaction from her.
That doesn't mean it is somehow evil to make such a resolution. I think it's a way we (HD men) try to "stir the pot". In other words, it's an indirect way to get a discussion going about the subject of why our marriage is sex-starved.
As for Shirt, your instincts about an affair might or might not be grounded. The staying out until 3am would bother the heck out of me. Maybe investigate further?
