Quote: I took those scraps for years and this is when he was supposedly healthy...I am wondering why I want this man in my life. He was not a great husband. He had some really great moments but there was so many times he was not there for me. I have been feeling more and more like I dont want or need him back in my life.
I can really relate to these sentiments. I spent YEARS hoping that my H would change, and he did--he became even MORE self-centred!! I wouldn't have thought that possible.
Strangely, I wasn't happy when he left, as I had thought I would be; instead, I was devastated. I think that, in large part, it's the death of the dream that we all have when we get married, that dream of a strong, supportive, fulfilling marriage. While we are still with our partners, we can imagine that it COULD one day happen. Of course, depending on your S, the chances may be very slim. But still, it's a possibility. When he leaves, it's no longer even that. For me, that has been the hardest thing to accept. On the other hand, once our eyes have been opened, we do have a new chance at real happiness by letting go of a marriage that never really existed.
At this point, I don't think it's possible to know if you will have that marriage with your H. If not, then I am sure that you will find it with someone else.
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thank you for coming by. I am finally getting it I think. It makes me kind of sad that my m may be dead. I will always pray for my h though. If I dont nobody will. Certainly not ow she did not have a clue about being in church during the funeral. It struck me today how h was flaunting his adultery in a catholic church in front of his wife. The other odd thing is that h seems to have found an interest in God again with the passing of his father. Strange I think.
Anyway h came to get d4 last night as d8 had brownies. He came late to avoid me. When he dropped d4 off I stayed in my bedroom. He was of course in a huge hurry to leave. Then finally it struck him that I was not there. He asked d8 "is your mom home". He has never referred to me as "your mom". It was always mum or mommy but what do I expect.
D4 told me today that daddy said he was not coming home. Now he is using his 4 year old as a messenger. How sad. I am sure that is how I will find out about d papers as well. He is such a coward. This is definetely not my h anyway.
Well that is all for now. I am feeling a little bit down today but trying not to let it get to me.
GOOD LORD! I am so sorry about the funeral incident. That was just plain horrible and I am so sorry that you had to endure it. I could barely read it. You are so wonderful. I admire you so much.
First, you are the best. You have class, dignity and grace. You were right to say what you said. You have to set some boundaries and maintain your rights in the face of such horrific CRAP.
Your H has ALWAYS used your kids in between. The lying, etc. I also think he's saying what he is to get a rise out of you....kinda like fighting but you can't.
Just go dark, honey. No more vm's, nothing. Just a friendly, bare-bones exchange with the kids and that is it. You will not engage in his crazy life now, let him flail on his own. Who cares if you feel sorry for her, it's her choice and she has to live it. While he is in MLC, nothing you say or do will be taken the right way. The best thing to do is to back away.
Honey, you have too much dignity and wonderful qualities to engage in this nonsense. Just pull yourself back, go dark and build your life again. You sound like you're doing just that.
We all go through the phase of re-evaluating our M....was it really all that great? Was H really all that different than he is now? What am I fighting for? We all move further and further away. Many of us on the boards are there right now, and I am one of them. It's the only thing we can do. I am at a state where I am honestly having trouble remembering any good times, or doubting if they were really sincere. I feel I might be getting MLC too!!! LOL.
Hang in there, keep coming back here....we will support you.
I do understand your sadness Mermaid, as I read your post, I do remember how xh switching from "Mom" to "Your Mom" gave me pause to reflect. It does sound different coming from their mouths, as I do believe it does also show their detachment from their own (or even old) life too.
XH also felt he found God too. The first time he mentioned wanting to find time to read the Bible, but that was well over 2.5 years ago. Again recently, after his accident, he has told everyone, God has something special in mind for him, otherwise he would be taking a "dirt nap" now. He told me he was going to do things "right" from now on, the way God intended him to do and be. It wasn't a week or so later, he married his girlfriend....
The next thing I witnessed from him, were all the lies in court, and of course here, we lay our hand on the Bible and swear we are going to tell the whole truth, etc. and nothing from his mouth was true, although may have been xh's (wanna be) truth.
I don't want you to go through the extended turmoil that I have experienced.... nobody deserves it, especially you. You are on the right path Mermaid, one of healing and personal growth. We need to learn to allow our spouses to make the choices they are going to make, no matter how brain damaged they appear to us. We can't save them from themselves, and the choices they make. They must feel all the consequences of their actions, otherwise they (once again) will be cheated out of the full lesson they must learn.
I envision xh holding hands with Satan, walking down a dark path, knowing that is no place for me, or my children to follow. He must, on his own, muster the strength to fight back in order to find the light he is searching for.
I was told by a very smart woman, that fear is the work of Satan. It is when we neglect our Faith in God, that fear often sets in, our minds begin to see only the negatives, and we focus on the pain we feel. We need to understand these times our Faith is being tested, and once we reconfirm our belief, we begin to see our world in a different light, and are able to count our blessings once again.
Yes, it is difficult to pull back from your H, and the future you once had dreamed of, but it is you that will be saved from the pain and confusion surrounding your H. It's not meant to be shared by us, for we are being protected by His guiding hands.
You have goals to attend to, you have little girls to protect and give comfort to, you are a devoted, loving Mom, and as difficult a choice it is to make, it's time for you to lead your girls into your future, believing if it is meant to be, it will be.
You are going to be fine Mermaid, just like me. It does take surviving low moments like this to reassess our strengths, but soon you will feel the love in your heart, and the vitality to move forward.
Take care of you, give the girls a bear hug!
God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
I truly understand what you are feeling - I have felt it too. When I finally came to accept that there was no coming back for him (I had to close that door for myself, though he had never given me reason to leave it open), it was a time of a new wave of grief. But it passed in time and things got better.
My H started going to church with OW about 6 months after he left. He was still married to me. He explained to the pastor about their situation. ANd the pastor welcomed them! I asked to speak to the pastor because I wanted him to know that I was standing for my M. He would not speak to me. I have never got over that. And H and maggot sat in church every friends around my friends and clients, some asking H if he was still married to me and him replying YES!
I am referred to as "Your Mother", which is even more estranged in my opinion. But I know the intial sting when it became apparent.
I think that we put on rose coloured glasses and try to keep the good memories alive while we are DBing and trying to save the M. We stuff the bad memories out of the way and live with some denial. This is not such a bad thing at the time, some of us could never have coped at all without some hope (false or real) and some denial. But reality does slap us in the face at times and we're faced with what is really going on and boy does it hurt! And another round of grieving begins. And then you re-evaluate. And that's that part you need to do on your own. Because only YOU know the whole story, all the feelings, the nuances, the little things that were said and the undertones. And you decide what to do next. Or not - and you let fate decide for you.
Mermaid, my H has been gone for 5 years and there is not a day goes by that I still don't think about how nasty and cruel it all has been. How unfair. How some of the people you thought would stand up for you and your marriage fail you and how others didn't.
I guess the best you can do for your Ds is to continue to be their loving mother. Reassure them that life will go on. Don't mention a future with daddy. Just make sure they know that you will always be there for them. And don't send messages back to him via them.
None of us knows how long these MLC relationships last. I'm sure there is a lot of denial at my ex's house. But guess what - there is a calming peace in my home. It was never here when he and I were together. That tells me a lot.
I've rambled and I'm sorry but I wanted to let you know that I care and I've been there and you will be fine. Just keep living your life to the best of your ability.
Always. You are so level headed. Everything you said makes perfect sense. Thank you for the support. You are right h has always used my kids and I think he will continue to do so especially if I go dark. It will be interesting to say the least to see how things unfold because h has never been an angry mlcer but that may yet come. But not my problem as I am dark and will stay that way. I will not let him draw me out of the darkness this time.
Laughing. I always love hearing from you. I have such admiration for you. I am really trying to heal and process everything so that I can really move on this time. I actually have been processing all of this for awhile but fil's illness and death interrupted my thoughts. So now I am back on track.
As for finding God well I am so sure that these mlcers will not get off easy for mocking God. You cannot only obey parts of the bible of your chosing. It does not work that way. There are certainly hints that God is trying to get the attention of these stubborn mlcers. I know to keep my faith and my integrity intact and all the rest will come. After all we reap what we sow.
Barbie. Thank you for all of your wise words and understanding. I know it is time to properly grieve now so that I can put this to rest. I know there will always be ups and downs but I need to somehow get some kind of peace out of all of this. I had begun the process of grieving the end to my end when h brought ow home to meet his parents. I knew then it was over but h pulled me back into his web and I slowly got drawn in but no more.
I am not surprised at the pastor's behaviour although I am appalled. Again like I said to Laughing that God will not be mocked and each of these men (and women) who pretend to follow the word will get hit with it upside the head one day. Although I am sure for many they will be bitter and lonely old men.
I am officially pulling myself out of this drama. I really don't care any longer about h's r with ow. I am going to concentrate on my children. They will see the truth one day also. Then it will me picking up the peices again. Like when they learn the meaning of adultery in (catholic) school. Or when they experience heart ache and betrayel and will see that this woman the their father brought into their lives hurt their mom so much.
Barbie I enjoy your ramblings. I have always admired you. I am reaching a peaceful place. At least I feel that today.
I think I have been struggling not just because of my faith as that is all very new. Mind you I think I have been struggling because it is very new. I always thought the reason h did not fully come back last year was because my faith was not strong enough. I keep thinking maybe I did not pray hard enough when h was reconnecting. I was confused though because people with less faith or no faith have had their m's restored in way less a time. I know it is all in God's time. But I do think I was missing a lot of the messages He was trying to send me by being so wrapped up in m restoration. I was living my life but I think I needed to completely let go of my old life. It took me a long time to get it. Maybe that is why I got hit over the head with the information.
It was not long ago that I recieved the message of the truth will set you free from two different places. I knew it was meant for me but I was not sure why. I explored all avenues of the truth from my childhood and my m. That is when I began to realize the truth about my m. But the real truth about h came out at the funeral. That was the real ticket to help me move on. I know that God has great things in store for me. I will continue to be still and let the answers come. I just hope I recognize those answers.
Now I have rambled. But thank you all for your support.
I think that you are doing well. I have seen your faith grow by leaps and bounds not only on your postings here but also on the 4060. Just remember that yes...God is transforming you into the child He created....but there are also times that the restoration has NOTHING to do with whether YOU are ready to recieve His gift....the Holy Spirit is also wooing your H....and sometimes the restoration doesn't take place, even when we feel WE are ready for it because God isn't done with our H. Continue to persevere and trust God's Word, Mermaid. His word DOES NOT return void and everything He is accomplishing within you and your circumstances is to prosper you and not to harm you. Lifting you up, Amy
Not much more to add here, but when the kids get old enough to understand adultery, they will ask!! I taught both my children last year and their eyes were "wide open" when we went over the 10 commandments.....
The hair on the back of my neck stands up when my H says, Ask your "mother".....to me the way that sounds is so negative!!
Anyway, I think you are doing great. I don't have much time to post anymore......I'm trying to work in an update on my thread, but the thought is exhausting to me. Tonight my dad got out of the hospital and I spent the better part of the evening in the ER with my little guy..skateboard accident!! It just never ends.....
Amy. Thank you for coming by. I read your threads mostly on 4060 and you seem so much at peace because your faith is strong. Nothing gets you down for so long because of your trust in God. I am trying to get to that place where I can truly let it go and know that everything will get better for me because it is a part of God's big plan.
SA3 Thank you for coming by again. I hope your dad and your little guy are okay. I really am looking forward to an update from you.
I also received the message "The truth will set you free", several times, along with, "You (meaning me) are the keeper of the truths" which came to me years ago, and again just a few months ago, which felt rather eerie to me.
Each time one of these messages comes to me, it seems to have either a slightly different meaning, or maybe it's a more indepth meaning to what I originally thought.
I guess if we are both receiving similar messages, we both must be on the right track?? Right?
Recently, while compiling documentation to prove the lies xh told in court has allowed me to further separate myself from him, his life, his drama and the past, as it has given me emotional strength too. I feel set free from all of this mess, like I've been untangled from his web. It's been a good feeling.
Oops, S just called, apparently when he took off in the truck this morning, he left all his stuff in the car.... Looks like I'm going for a morning jaunt to school.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
