I gotta keep hope alive! OM is gone. . . .

[not_giving_up]

So how was your day and your evening? When is the trip? Not to put your mind on it (as if it wasn't already)

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Day was not bad.

My PMA at home backslid a little though. OM called her. Then we agreed earlier today that we would watch a movie tonight instead of going out for a glass of wine.

Instead she turned dropping off some CD's to a friend into going to hang out at the bar that she works at. And wouldn't you know that she left just late enough to where I wouldn't want to leave the house for drinks.

I started getting pissed off as it played out more. It showed a little. I didn't make a big deal out of it.

She did ask me if I wanted to go after she asked if I minded if she went to which I replied no. She didn't ask me until she was almost ready to leave and when I said that I may join her she wasn't really thrilled so I just said. . . .you go hang out with your friends, I am going to spend time with the boys.

Well, I guess this is the last interaction that I will have with her before she goes on her trip to see OM. She won't be home before 1 or 2 in the morning. . . .if I am lucky. Then I go to work and she leaves for Denver.

I am not going to call her once this weekend. That is my promise to myself. I may not even answer the phone if she calls.

What do I do when she comes back?? I need some suggestions and how I should behave.

Good news is 3rd day in a row not calling her at home and no ILY's.

I did give her some praise today which is one of my 180's. I never used to affirm. It is hard when they are having an A right under your nose!!!!!!!!!!!

I am kind of grumpy. I need a glass of vino.

SOH

[Aud31]

Hey, you're doing a pretty good job. This stuff is beyond hard. Have you read any of Toughlover's threads? I highly recommend them--he is very good at keeping the focus on the changes you have to make and how they affect the R. Hang in there, and decide to have a great day! You can do it.

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Thanks. Sometimes I feel like I am not doing that great of a job so it is good to hear from you guys.

I will review Toughlover's threads. Thanks.

I backslid a little today. I was obviously a bit upset about her leaving today. This morning when I was leaving I woke her up to tell her some info that she needed about our car and told her that I would see her Monday. She said, "Oh, yeah. I will see you Monday. Have a good weekend." I said, "Thanks." Then I made myself go back after I walked in the door (luckily I needed my gym bag) and told her to have a good weekend too.

So, where I backslid a little was this. She left me no gas in the car which is something that she ALWAYS makes a big deal out of if I do it to her. So, I sent this email that was not over the top but somewhat passive-agressive. The email convo follows. . . .

Subject: Gas
------------------------
From: Me
To: Wife
Date: Fri, Dec 15, 2006 at 8:25 AM

Thanks for the empty tank of gas. . . .

I will be using the card to get gas for the weekend.

Be careful.

TT

--------
From: Wife
To: Me
Date: Fri, Dec 15, 2006 at 11:03 AM

no, there's no money on the card. don't be a dumb ass. btw, you have 40 miles in the tank. i put 8 bucks in ....A**HOLE!!! thanks for the send off. can't believe i was thinking what i was thinking a minute ago. you are so YOU!!! i f***ing love it!

--------
From: Me
To: Wife
Date: Fri, Dec 15, 2006 at 11:34 AM

Hey.

I got into the car and the gas tank light was on. I don't know how far that will get me. You told me that we have $18 in the LaSalle account so I was going to put in $10 since I was under the assumption that there was little to no gas in the car.

Are you taking SD12's phone? If not, keep an eye on your email in case there is an emergency.

Be careful this weekend and maybe send a message letting me know that you found a place to stay.

Husband


So, I called the house not wanting to let her go see OM with this mindset. I apologized and kept from getting baited into any kind of arguement following her continued name calling.

She said that I should be praying that she can become friends with OM and find closure on this trip to see him. She said that is the only thing that is keeping her from getting back into our relationship.

I told her that is about all that I pray for.

I ended the conversation by asking her to text me or email when she found a place to stay. SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A PLACE TO STAY RIGHT NOW!!! I really don't think that she is staying with OM from the intelligence that I have gathered She said that SHE would CALL ME later. I said okay and that I would be praying for her safety.

Any thoughts on what I should do when she comes back? Let her initiate R talk? Welcome her back with fanfare or non-chalant welcome?

Thanks,
SOH

[Aud31]

So you stumbled. We all do! Pick yourself up and keep on marchin'. You know what to watch out for the next time you're feeling anxious.

As far as what to do when she comes back,

#1:KEEP YOURSELF BUSY this weekend. Consciously toss out (replace) any thoughts regarding her activities and fight hard to have yourself in a good place when she returns.

#2:You know her. If everything was as it should be, i.e. both of you fully contributing to a happy, loving marriage, how would she want to be treated? Think hard on this one. What would be fundamentally different about YOU in that picture?

[Astimegoeson]

Any thoughts on what I should do when she comes back? Let her initiate R talk? Welcome her back with fanfare or non-chalant welcome? Thanks,
SOH

I don't want to make you feel worse than you probably already feel, but on the other hand I don't want you looking like a gullible sap in your W's eyes either.

As somebody already said here, actions speak louder than words. You know your W better than I do, but if my W were telling me what yours was, the red flags would be slapping me across the face. Things are not always as they appear and that goes double for the spoken word.

As far as how to treat her when she returns, I'd ignore her completely unless she specifically ask you a question. No comments, no opinions, and definitely no fan fare.

[Aud31]

I'd ignore her completely unless she specifically ask you a question. No comments, no opinions, and definitely no fan fare.

If this is how she likes her space, fine, but I think it's important to remember that if it's done with a spirit of contention, superiority or cockiness, she'll see it for what it is. If it's done out of strength and a true desire to improve your role in the R, it will be right.

It's all about where you're coming from.

[Astimegoeson]

The W is going out of town to be with OM and she knows her H knows it. It's a matter of dignity and self esteem and yes, you can pull it off with some class. This is where setting your boundaries comes into play.

[Aud31]

Agreed

[Spirit_of_Hope]

Okay.

After reading what both of you have written. The thing that I am taking is that I know my wife. I know if I just ignore her that she will see it for what it is.

While my wife did have an affair I do know her and I believe her more than I don't about her trip. I do think that she is going to reconcile her friendship and put closure to the romantic relationship. While I believe her about 70/30 percent, I am going to have to go with my gut.

When she comes home I want to present a strong image of someone who is going to be happy no matter what she presents to me. I can't control her so I might as well control myself.

So, I will welcome her home and hope that this trip gets out of her system whatever it is that needs to get out. I will enjoy my time with my children while she is gone. When she gets back I will maintain my self esteem by showing that her actions do not affect my happiness only my actions affect my happiness.

Right??

TT