W. is crazy. Gave me the bomb in August and I moved out October to give her space (I was pursuig, clinging, all the wrong stuff). I want to come back and she has said no. She wants a D. But has not done a damn thing. Still not looking for job. (Frankly I think she is indecisive) She wants me to fix house, buy her car, etc. She has treated me like crap, then acts bubbly. I have had enough. I am strongly thinking of filing and get things moving. If she want to reconcile it is her move. I see no chance of reconciliation with the status quo, as a matter of fact she has made that very clear. She will not let me have the kids over night or crash on the sofa at the house to enjoy the kids longer that a baby sitter would! I am living in a crappy apartment because I do not want to spend family money on a large one (that I could have my kids crash at!) Most of the furniture at the house is mine from before the marriage and she thinks I should buy her new stuff. She wants to fix up house and maybe in a year file. I want to just quit spending money and get this thing moving. Why wait? If she wants a d. fine, "Don't wish for something, you might get it!" I do love her, but I am tired of living in a prison without my kids! I found a great place. I want to move in, get some of my furniture and start the d. to avoid her constant nagging about new car, fixed house etc. I have asked her to go to counseling but she has been ambivolent and now refuses. I admit I have been impatient to try to reconcile this relationship. I think waiting on filing the d. will only continue to torture my relationship with kids, drive me crazy living in this hell hole and dig deep in my pockets. I have no problem in reconciliation, but she has to come to the table. I think she really does not know the damage a divorce can do and thinks the grass is greener. How can a 44 year old woman going on 45 with 3 kids in tow and no work ethic make it? Yeah I know I will have to support her for a while, but she has the education to get a job, just not the drive. No problem paying child support. I just want to get on with my life and stop the abuse!
OK I am ranting, so someone give me some words of wisdom. In our most recent fight she said fixing the kitchen up to allow our kids to have friends over is more important than my relationship with the kids. That was in response to my argument that I need a larger apartment and did not think we can fix the kitchen up at this time. That really hurt and is the drive of this rant.
I am sleeping on the decision, but I am ready to act!
First take a deep breath and try to calm down. Next check out the threads on Midlife Crisis. Your wife is in the prime age group. I will post more later as I am on the way out to meet some friends.
I have been dealing with this for over 2 years and H has been moved out for 15 months. It is rough but you will get through it. There are a lot of great people on this site to help you.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Thanks. I have learned it is better to sleep on things. I sort of had a good day. I promised my daughter that I would hang with her only today as my boys and I watched football last night. W and I fought. Mainly due to the living conditions. I discovered that she is as worried as I am about the future. More so about how she is going to make ends meet while mine is emotional. As much as she pisses me off, I really care for her. I know that she feels the same about me. We talked about filing after the new year. I will wait. What do I have to lose? I have enough money to survive if she clears the bank accounts and if she does I strongly think she will use if for the kids benefit.
After we fought I said I was sorry, we hugged and I hung out for 5 hours helping her clean, cook and bath kids. When I got back to my apt. I called her to tell her I made it and thanks for letting me hang out. Today was her dad's b-day. I asked her if I could call him and she exitedly said yes. Good guy, even though I have hurt his daughter (believe me I have been a real a-hole for a long time) he still likes me. Happy b-day old man. He gave me great advice, use love guy, it will never hurt. Wisdom from a 73 year old! All this 180, GAL stuff is all good, but I see better results if I just be myself or at least as I would like to see myself.
His threads are all linked. But I believe they will help you. Let me know if I can do anything else. If you have any input for me from a man's point of view drop by my thread on Midlife Crisis site.
Take care
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I get to hang out at the house tonight with the kids. The w. and I had a little spat, more due the fact that I did not sleep last night. She understood and backed down. We work together (yuch!), we had some fun today joking around. She said good bye to me when she left (since the bomb she usually does not). I asked her if we all could do stuff Tuesday, Wednesday night and Saturday. We usually eat together Wednesday and my d has a function Saturday we are only talking about one extra day. The thing that gets me in trouble is that I want to talk about the R. That is due to the fact that I have not been with her and the kids much. I think this is a positive move. I get to spend quality time with kids, help the w. with the house hold crap and maybe spend an evening not talking about R. What I really need is time to reconcile.
Last night went great. W. went to exercise I did the dad stuff, she came home I kissed her on the cheek good bye. No talk of the R. She suggested we cook tonight. I will do so (kids like my dish). She will probably go work out, but at least I do see her for a little bit. Any contact is good contact, plus I get to be a dad to my kids in my own house! Tomorrow night we all eat out! Thursday I have plans to move into a larger apartment. Friday is her night alone with the kids (unless she wants me to come along), Saturday we are going to do stuff as a family, Sunday I need to do labor around the house.
I am giving her space, but at the same time I want to show her that I care for her and the overwhelming task of handling 3 kids. Plus I own the house also and I do not want to see it fall apart while I am gone. I just need time for reconciliation before our agreed January filing. It sure would be nice if I could sleep there just one night - sofa is fine with me - guy secret we don't mind sleeping on the sofa, it is like camping!
Last night was crap. She yelled at me about an issue (unrelated to our R). Then denied she yelled at me. I could tell she was pissed off and we talked R. I told her she was a classic WAW, she actually seemed interested and wanted to know more. I gave her some articles. Don't know if that was a good idea, but when I learned about the psychology of my reaction (pursuing, clinging etc.) it helped me. Who knows she may see things in a different light. Is this wishfull thinking? I would appreciate a response I posted a similar one on another area and nothing yet. She also confessed that she is depressed and lays in bed at night worrying about the future. That really concerns me, I care for her and do not want her to hurt even though she has put me through hell.
She is cooking tonight. I am tired as a dog. Up late working, so I do not have the energy to fight.
So much for her cooking for me. She went to exercise while I acted like Mr. Mom. Took kids to activities and cooked. Frankly I did not mind. I got quality time with the kids. I got her back, I left the kitchen a filthy mess! She wanted me to stay a while, but I was too damn tired and wanted to go. Plus I am not in the mood for her sniping to test if I will blow up. I think she read the WAW stuff. She is hell bent that the grass is greener (with 3 kids in tow). 2 of the kids told me she cries at night and looks very sad. I thought so, I have known her too long to believe she can just take this laying down. I am moving into larger apt. tomorrow. (It is actually nicer than our house, boy has that pissed her off!) We are clearly acting like teenagers trying to show each other we don't care if the other is happy. My counselor told me the other day that we are in the teenage years of our marriage. Wow is she correct. We meet with the same counselor next week and I am sure the counselor is going to tell us to grow up! Until then "kegger at my place this weekend, ya'll come"
A MLC in a man. Wow I am 41, w is 44. I guess she is MLCing for the both of us. My theory is unfulfilled expectations. We all thought we would be at a certain point in our lives after 40. Unfortunate or not, the life expectancy for men in my family is 40 - 50 (yes I check the heart, eat and excersice) so I attained my goal a year ago and now playing with house money! People need to learn that life is not how much "bling bling" you have, but that you leave the world a better place for the next generation. Sooner or later everyone comes to that conclusion, unfortunately for some it is on their death bed.
I know it is hard to watch what he is doing (I am watching W). My situation is different as I moved out and she is the single mom with all the burden (believe me I would trade in a minute). I am trying to go back to the days before her, when I was single and happy (yes I am happy married). It is day by day, but the longer I go the better it gets. I have a good support network of close friends.
Don't unlove him. Reach out to him and tell him that you care for him and are there if he needs you, but just do that. He will call (my wife has). A lot of his actions are signs of insecurity give it time or hell move on girl!
It sounds like you are doing well with your wife. I wish my H wanted to spend time with me. I just found out from a friend that OW was spending too much time with her XH and my H got a little upset. So she cut down on the time she spends with XH but she is not being totally honest with my H. I hope that means it is the beginning of the end.
I have a question for you from a male perspective. H promised to help pay my student loan and then when he started dating OW (which was a friend of ours). He told me that he should not have to help with any of the bills he left me with. Anyway to make a long story short, my attorney recommended that we ask for short term spousal support. I was a stay at home mom until I went to oollege in 1999 at the age of 43 to get a degree in special education. The judge actually awarded me 2 years spousal support but H doesn't agree so he is taking the D to trial. H is furious with me. He says I am trying to screw him in the divorce. My question is will he ever forgive me for getting spousal support or does that pretty much end any chance I have of reconciliation?
If you want any more information about my situation, I have posts on Newcomers, Hopefulness, and Midlife Crisis threads.
Thanks and stay calm it sounds like you wife is still unsure of what she wants.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
