Piecing question

[MissH]

It sounds like you are on the right track. I think whatever your H is going through, he needs to go through it alone. I am glad you are going dark because I don't want to see you get pulled down with him. You sound really strong, good for you. Hang in there, you will get thru this.

[want2bmarried]

I don't know how strong I am, its more survival. This bouncing back and forth in my life is finally physically and mentally waring on me and my children. As sad as I am, I know that if this marriage is meant to be it will happen even if I don't sleep with him, be there for his every whim, or go dark on him. If its not meant to be then I will be just that much farther out. Another funny (sort of) thing is that the past few times he has been here, other than the sex he was rather irritating to be around. He picked on me nonstop and everything I do or had been doing in my life is wrong or bad. He even thought I was "entertaining" other men because I had some beer in the fridge!!!! He actually was very angry about that. I finally can see what a miserable person he really is and blaming me and sucking me down with him is all part of the game.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear W2be,

stay with the Go Dark plan and expect nothing. As my db coach said, when they call, LISTEN LIKE A LOVER but be busy and upbeat the Be the one to End the conversation b/c of your interesting fun life and all the things you have to do and all the people you have to meet,etc.

The break up book is hilarious. BUT it's about putting the pain behind us and some stiffening up of our spines for those of us ready to quit trying, its about mocking the idiots who left us and laughing behind their backs (not that we don't ever do that here...) but really it is a book about M/Rs that are OVER.

THE DB program is for those of us not quite ready to throw in the towel, or those of us who are damned sure we do NOT want the M to end at all. The solution based therapy that DB uses, as I understand it, is premised on the beliefs that A) people CAN change and B) one person in a 2 person R can change the R, or its' dynamics, simply by changing themself.

Changing the dynamic in a R is great but does not always mean reconciliation... but if we improve as individuals, the R does too. THat increases the chance but does not guarantee, that the M works out.

GAL, b/c ALL the action plans call for that

I wrote a post about piecing together b/c it's harder than I thought and my H wants back in with clarity. Please see if you can find it b/c I got some very thoughtful answers and some may help you. But again, my H is sure (he says and I believe) he wants to be in our M, although not necessarily where me and the kids live--long story---but check out the responses from the Wise Ones. Plus, Your H is still in his MLC or whatever it is, and is verbalizing every single second thought he has, to your detriment. "Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does" is the mantra for most of us LBSers with the MLC types.

They have to figure it out themselves...you can't solve the puzzle or hang over their shoulder urging them to fix a piece, it is THEIRS to fix...detach, go dark, GAL and have zero expectations...imho, it's your best option.

good luck,
j-

[MissH]

I finally can see what a miserable person he really is and blaming me and sucking me down with him is all part of the game.

Don't play his game. You and your children don't need to be pulled down with him because of his misery. You WILL become a stronger person when this is all said and done, no matter what the outcome. Let him go, at least for now, he doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around right now. Like they say around here, Let go and Let God. Hang in there!

[want2bmarried]

Its funny you brought up both books in your post. I was sitting and had both books in my hand last night. I was trying to decide where I was at. I think I am going to try a combination of both like you said. For 5 long, grueling, painful months I have DB'd. I think it has brought him around, but I (and I assume responsibility for this) have allowed him to cross the line and pretty much use me all in the name of being his friend. He knows what he is doing. And as long as he gets his way then he is fine. That is where I am going to put the Breakup book into play. The odds are WAH is not coming home and I need to start preparing myself for that. I have lived in hope and all it has gotten me is heartache. It has given me a backbone so to speak. He has been a real jackass and very cruel, but I have allowed it too.

So from both books I am going dark, GAL and trying to get on with my life. If he decides he wants to be a part of it, great. If not, its his loss.

Thanks for the words they do help so much.

[25yearsmlc]

You've got it...imo.
j-

[want2bmarried]

I don't know if I still got it. I managed to not backslide and sleep with him this weekend but he sure hurt me alot.

He text messaged me on Saturday afternoon and wanted to get together. I didn't respond.

Yesterday I found out that he was sloppy drunk and flirting with women at our local club Saturday night. He saw my gf's there and sort of hid. Hearing this breaks my heart. I wish I could avoid hearing it, but the small town gossip is bad. People let you know whether you want to or not.

He had the nerve to start texing me last night about coming over again. I replied "how can you ask me that? haven't you hurt me enough?" He began fishing to see what I knew. I didn't respond anymore.

How can he love this life of partying/drunk all the time? How do you let what they do not hurt you?

[25yearsmlc]

W2b,

I don't know how to prevent what they do, from hurting us....OMG I wish I did. I think anytime we love, we risk. But in a way, maybe, you can be glad your H is such a jerk right now. I mean, it DOES give one insight and clarity, doesn't it?

His signals are not so confusing...he is a manipulative person right now, its all about HIS needs/wants and covering his bases. He is out for himself at this point. As far as when he'll tire of it, I THINK in a few months. But there are people who never tire of it, and feel it keeps them feeling young and alive to be partying wildly. They don't live as long as most of us, so we know fewer of them as time passes.

You are on your way. Now, prepare yourself and your kids for the holidays b/c they are sooo emotional and family oriented, it'll trigger things in you AND in your H, so be ready. Christmas Eve, if you are Christians, is gonna hit him hard. Don't know what to expect. maybe He'll go dark in shame and guilt, or turn it outward, like many guys do, and be Mr.Anger.....that'll be fun. OR he'll want back in, at least temporarily, so he can get his daddy fix.

Good luck on that and God bless,
j-