Piecing question

[want2bmarried]

I have linked my old thread below. I think its locked up now. We have flip flopped over and over. My WAH was here last night again and said he really wanted to try, but wanted to go really slow. His idea of working on things is to see eachother and talk every once in awhile. Basically live in separate homes and get together once a week or so. He only lives a mile away. He typically does this and then the next day changes his mind and its too much for him and he runs.

Last night he asked if I was busy tonight. He wanted to spend some more time together. Inside i was so excited!! I let him know when he called today that I was free tonight. He just mumbled that he wasn't sure what his plans were tonight. I said ok, let me know. That was this morning and I didn't hear from him until just now. He sent one, drank too much yesterday, still hungover, will talk later. Is he panicking again? If it were any other person I would be mad for making plans and then breaking them. But I don't know what to do in this case.

I just have a few questions:

-what does working on your M look like to most people? Its hard to believe what he is saying, and I don't want to be strung along. I would like to spend more time together and talk about reconciliation but that seems to freak him out.

-do people go right back to living together? I don't think we should but I don't want to live like this forever.

Forgive me for having these semi stupid questions. I don't want to push in areas I shouldn't and don't want to be a doormat either.

[want2bmarried]

Well, no more calls or texts from WAH last night. He must be "thinking" again. Trying to keep a PMA. Drives me crazy that he is using our March final D date as a goal for possible R. He says we still have 4 months to decide. Why wait if this is what is in your heart? My friends think he is stringing me along and then when March comes he will just say "see ya". I would like to think that WAH isn't like that and if you asked me a year ago I would say he could never, but now he is this alien that I have no idea who he is and what he will do next.

I am kinda bummed that I switched days for the kids with my first ex this weekend so I could be free to spend time with WAH like he asked and now he bailed.

A strange comment WAH made the other night is:

I am not seeing yet the changes in you that I need to see.

WTheck does that mean? How do you make changes when you hardly spend time together? And when I asked him to be specific, he couldn't. he just danced around the question.

I hope to get some replies. I really value everyones thoughts and opinions.

[Soxfan2008]

working on your marriage looks different to everyone. You need to figure out what changes your H is looking for. There were probably clues before the seperation. What did he complain about, what did you fight about?, what did he nag about? what upset him?

look for the pattern and you'll find out what changes he's expecting.

I am so strung out, I could be a junkie.

[FA]

Nice post....so true.....I've been on for over a year....how do you think I feel?!

[want2bmarried]

Thank you both for the replies. WAH just left. We had a great night together. I had just gotten home from a day with girlfriends and dinner and I was pretty dressed up and had been drinking just a bit. That did not make him happy at all. He is very insecure. Who talked to me, who I flirted with, who hit on me. He was frustrated and made comments all night. He did say he was not ready to jump into living together, but was willing to spend some time together. He doesn't want our kids to know at all so they won't be disappointed. These are words I have been waiting to hear for so long, BUT I am so scared he is not sincere and will run again.

To me, spending a night here and there is not working on your issues, but I need patience. I guess its better than nothing. I have to take what I can get.

What do you all think? I am not calling, I will let him do that. Or should i call and ask if he wants to go to lunch or dinner this week?

He left this morning in quite a hurry. Maybe his alien brain started to kick in again. Last thing he said was "have a good day". So that tells me I probably wont hear from him all day.

[want2bmarried]

Well, history repeated itself again. Got a text "Im sorry, I cannot be what you need right now. Only time will heal. I hope you understand"

I know, I know its my own fault I let it happen again.

[want2bmarried]

I just read a great book, cover to cover, in the past few days. Its called "Its Breakup Because its Broken". What a great book. Its funny but also insightful. As I was reading I highlighted my favorite parts to help me when I am weak. It pretty much goes against all the DB principles, but maybe both sorta combined won't make me a doormat like I have been.

[runningoutoftime]

For me what worked best was to be a good listener and "friend" when he was around, keep away from personal questions, maintain my independence and PMA.... and most of all have absolutely no expectations. In fact, I fully expected my marriage to end. And with that in mind I supported his decision (to end it if that's what he wanted to do). Eventually I realized I didn't want to be married to him if he he felt he wasn't going to be happy with me.

But he needed lots of time and space to figure things out.

Good luck to you.

[MissH]

W2BM: Where have you been? Haven't seen you on the bb recently. Hope everything is ok.

[want2bmarried]

Hi Mrs. I have been on here and there. Not too much. Had another encounter with WAH and he did his pattern of get close and then bail. I have been trying all week to put some distance there with him. Whatever he is going thru, its sucking the life out of me. I can't be a part of it anymore. If he is confused, scared, angry, happy, mad, mean, whatever....he will have to get thru it without me for now. I am pushing on with my own life and the lives of my kids as if he were not going to be a part of it.

I have gone totally dark since Sunday. He has text messaged me about stupid stuff like xmas lights!! I told him I don't have any, but he still sends them all week. I have been ignoring the messages. I cannot engage about $20 worth of xmas lights.

I do have my extremely lonely times, but for the most part I am putting him in my past for now. He can play this game forever and I need to get off.

I haven't seen any of your posts lately. I will go and catch up. Thanks for checking on me.