My life is in absolute shambles right now. Yesterday morning at 2:30, I discovered my h's affair by reading the emails in his "sent" box. They were the most passionate, erotic, and loving messages that I have ever read - nothing like my H has ever written or said to me in our 13 year relationship. I couldn't believe the raw emotion in his messages to her. I woke him up immediately and cornered him about the affair.
Turns out that the R with the OW ended 5 weeks ago when she dumped him due to his baggage. She's 24, he's 36 with 3 month old twins (nice, huh.) She claimed he was the love of her life but didn't want to be tied down with kids at such a young age. He reciprocated her feelings and was devastated by the break up (evidenced by the 24 emails that he sent to her over the past few weeks trying to get her back.) He told me that he had planned on marrying her and wanted to have kids with her. I never believed he was capable of the level of deception and manipulation that he showed to me during this affair. Here's the story in a nutshell:
Our relationship had problems that went unaddressed for years on both our parts. We essentially had a platonic marriage as we rarely had sex (neither of us seemed to have much desire for the other person.) It sounds ridiculous in hindsight that we lived like this for so long, but, I guess, we didn't want to rock the boat and deal with our issues since we were best friends and got along so well. Unbelievably, we got married and then got pregnant with twins (after 16 months of trying) without resolving this major problem.
My H's affair began when I was pregnant and put on strict bedrest for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. H was solely responsible for running the household and taking care of me.
He and the OW met at work, and he told me it was an immediate connection. They had an emotional affair for 2 weeks before it got physical. She ended up leaving her husband for him, and he planned to do the same with me after our twins were born and enough time had passed. My H had it all planned out in advance for how he was going to leave me without anyone learning about the affair. I REALLY enjoyed learning about this from reading his email.
When the kids were two weeks old, he told me that he was having difficulty adjusting to their arrival and needed to see a therapist, which he began doing. Two weeks later therapy showed him that the real issue was between us, and he was no longer attracted to me. We began seeing a marriage counselor, and I worked diligently on trying to save our marriage. Throughout the next 10 weeks he displayed enormous negativity about our situation and told me he didn't have any hope for resolving our issues and wanted to separate. I dug in my heels and wouldn't give up. I even went so far as suggesting that we attend Dr. Schnarch's intensive therapy session in Colorado as a last ditch effort before separating. He dragged the decision to go over a two week period and then told me to book the trip. I was elated! We returned with him still needing to make the decision on whether or not he wanted to try to make our marriage work. He was still "deciding" when I found out about the affair.
Turns out my H agreed to go to Colorado after the OW dumped him. He wanted to see if there was any hope left for our marriage. Unfortunately, he never admitted the affair so the therapy was useless. I can't believe that he was willing to waste over $7,000 on therapy to keep up the facade. He now admits that his sole purpose to drag me through therapy was to keep the affair secret from his family and me. He wanted our divorce to be amicable and didn't want tension that a known affair would create between the OW and the people in his life. He had planned on "meeting" the OW after our separation and then introducing her to us as his "new" girlfriend.
My H has shown very little remorse for his behavior (in my eyes)and is cold and distant. He is still in love with the OW and is holding out hope that she will change her mind and come back to him, even though he has said that she never will (our kids were a deal breaker.) He isn't interested in saving our marriage because he feels our problems are insurmountable, and he will never feel for me the passion he felt with the OW.
His cold and calculating behavior throughout a time in my life that was supposed to be joyous disgusts me and is unforgiveable. But it sickens me to know that deep down I still love him and want to work it out. What is wrong with me! I'm embarrassed to even post this. What is the chance that he'll get over this OW? I can't believe that he doesn't realize that his relationship with the OW wasn't a healthy and lasting relationship. It was based on lies! I think it was a form of escape for him and the sneaking around made it more exciting.
I've asked my H to move out of the house, but I'm so confused and don't know whether or not to file for divorce...
Any thoughts? Opinions and advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. My H left me out of the blue for an OW while we were tying for a baby.
There are 2 interpretations for your sitch. Either he's a cold hearted b*stard, or he's totally besotted with the idea of 'being in love' and prepared to throw away something much better for this temporary thrill. I think you owe it to your children to give it enough time to find out which.
Unfortunately at the moment I think he's still besotted. The fact she left him unfortunately meant he didn't have a chance to work it out of his system and learn the truth. I storngly recommend a book called 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass which is a very comprehensive guide to infidelity, why people do it, why it's a BAD idea and how you can recover.
And it's perfectly normal to still have feelings for him! Marriage isn't something to be thrown away lightly. You will meet alot of people who tell you to ditch him. But not on this forum. Infidelity is recoverable. Many people here have proved that.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Okay, first I suggest you read as much as you can about affairs. You will find that most of the time, the spouse and the OW/OM feel they've found what they've been looking for.
My H told me last January, after 13 years, that he didn't love me and we had problems that could not be fixed. Turned out he had OW. He was not willing to work on the M and had no intentions of reconciling.
I got Divorce BUsting and Divorce Remedy and started working on the things in that book. H noticed and eventually came back. Unfortunately in our sitch, things are not rosy and 7 months after returning, he still is having trouble shaking the OW, but he no longer says he doesn't love me and we can't change the problems we had. He felt I would never change, and i proved him wrong and he saw it.
I reommend the book Surviving and Affair. I can't remember the author. But basically it talks about how affairs behing and end. It has given me much peace.
don't give up on your M, but do try ti find yourself and get a life and find ways to make yourself happy without H. Come to a place where you feel you'll be okoay without him (hard, I know... believe me I know). When you get to that place, you'll have more strength to figure out what to do.
I, too, have small kids (2 and 4). I felt very alone when this first happened becuase i was left with 2 kids to take care of by myself. But I figured it out. As far as the lies and deception, BEEN THERE! My H is still doign it.
Take a step back, do some research and take care of yoruself.
I post on the Midlife Crisis boards if you're intersted in checking out my posts.
I would suggest you NOT kick him out! Give him time to mend his broken heart (as hard as that is for you) and DB all you can. Show him what can be. They all think they have met their soul mate and that nothing can ever compare. What's so discouraging is that they sound so sure! Michelle says in her book not to believe a word they say when they talk like this. It hurts but its all one big fantasy. I believe DBing with him at home is a huge advantage to doing so otherwise. Throwing him out in anger is not a well thought out strategy although I certainly can understand that urge!
Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this, don 't be embarrassed and think you are crazy because you still love him, that is true love, when you love someone specially when they dont' deserve them, we've all been terrible hurt here but still were willing to take our Ss back and wanted to forgive.
Quote: I've asked my H to move out of the house, but I'm so confused and don't know whether or not to file for divorce..
Please dont' make any big desicions right now, I know you feel at some point that he needs to be kicked out for what he's done, WAS do STUPIDEST things when in affairs, it will take my family 1 1/2 yrs to pay the debt my H has gotten into when in his crazed MLC and A, they just dont' think straight, nothing your H will say or do will make any sence, the illusion is still in his head.
Please, calm down and know that as bad as the situation looks there is hope for your M, there is always hope, as long as the two Ss realize their part in the strain of the M. I guess he wanted an escape after being responsible for so much when you were on bedrest, the freedom of the ow is what he is in love with, the newness of it.
Quote: I can't believe that he doesn't realize that his relationship with the OW wasn't a healthy and lasting relationship.
You are correct, it wasn't a healthy R, but dont' try to convince him otherwise, as I've learned from someone here who cheated, there are feelings involved, and the more you deny them, the more the S clings to them.
Take it one day at a time, if he is still willing keep going to MCounceling, though sometimes if the H is still in the fantasy world a while has to go by before they see the A for what it is.
Hang in there)))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I found out about my H's A in March of this year. H denied when I confronted him. Introduced Ow to his older kids in April, tried to introduce her to our d7 in July. MIL met Ow in July, rest of the family just met her about 3 weeks ago. Family was not impressed! They all agree that Ow is a piece of work! Obviously H doesn't think so, been with her for about 2 years now - if I trace back to when first started becoming distant.
Do you think that my H's A will be one of the few ones that last? I am starting to wonder. She must be doing a good job of fufilling H's needs or else I would have seen some progress with my DBing- don't you think? I started in Jan of this year with it. Many backslides though , letters, emails, VM's this probably slowed down my progress, but I think that Ow is my MAJOR stubbling block right now. IS SHE EVER GOING TO GO AWAY?
If she is the kind of person that H's family says she is and from what I know about her history - I think it is a matter of time before H begins to see it too. Ow's co-workers think she is smart, wonderful, pretty, and funny. How come family and friends see her completely the opposite of this? Who's telling the truth?
I never bring Ow up to H, I act like she doesn't exist , but it is very hard when H is parading his R with her around and we are still legally M!
How could she be a wonderful person b/c wonderful people don't get involved with M men with a family
* Sorry for the hyjack, I can feel your pain and frustration.
I wish I could believe that, but as long as H's needs are being met he is almost perfect! H's Ow can focus on him b/c she has no full time responsibilties. I can't compete with that.
