Well I am feeling good so far,,, MY H and my little boy left for their Vacation. I hope this time together really gets them to bond more.
I have gotten smarter re: alot of things and I am taking this time that he will be away to really organize my home and get my home office in order. I will also be trying to get in some me time just for me. I really need some down time just to myself to recharge and get myself ready for a New year. And I will be 36 in a few weeks and I am feeling likke as I head to 40 these will be some of the best years of my life.
Santhony and GH you will be soooooooooooooo proud of me!!! I have used what you 2 have described when dealing with my H on the phone when he is @ to blow up, just this morning as a mater of fact when he was getting angry and more than anything very, very impatient I asked him to calm down that I will be more than happy to help you with this ~~~~( DIRECTIONS AGAIN)~~~~~and I will let you go and call you back in just a few minutes and tell you exactly what you need to know,, So I hung up called him back and Wow that was so much better. I set my boundaries and he was ok, I could tell a little uncomfortable but ok. I also told him I am more than Happy to help you with Directions but you always get ugly with this and really I do not want to argue over Directions Plain and Simple. that felt sooooo good and guess what it did not get ugly.
I will post more later... lots to do. IT IS almost Christmas ~~~~~ GOD BLESS...
I am really doing well and yet My h still seems very weak and at times so sure of himself so things are doing much better it is just that I need to let go and let God just a little more. I can not make him strong I can just love him and be the best me for myself and him!
I am starting to take on his emotions again over the phone, But I stop it right away. He is overall being awesome on the phone with occasional fits,, he got really jealous earlier today too? I dunno he is stressed I guess, I just went out to eat by myself and he blew up???????
I am getting better at all this, I am feeling like I can do this,, the PARANOIA of the OW is slowly dying,, afterall how is me fretting over it going to help me or help him to make the right choice? He needs to make that choice on his Own.
I am really busy this week getting my house organized and also decorating it for Christmas,,,,, I am feeling strong and also a tad emotional but all in all I am feeling like I have grown alot and I want to keep working on myself and get a little more polished, lose a few pounds and get my emotional health in shape too.
Babbling alot....
I am blessed and God loves me and that means the world to me.
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes >>in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire >>four years of college. >> >> He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He >>became a Christian while attending college. >> >> Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very >>conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but >>are not sure how to go about it. >> >> One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, >>jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so >>Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. >> >> The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By >>now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says >>anything. >> >> Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and >> when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. >> >> By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the >> air is thick. >> >> About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the >> back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. >> >> Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and >> a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. >>He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone >>is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do. >> >> How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to >>understand some college kid on the floor? >> >> It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. >> >> The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the >>man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone >>breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does >>what he has to do. >> >> And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. >>With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and >>worships with him so he won't be alone. >> >> Everyone chokes up with emotion. >> When the minister gains control, he says, >> >> >> "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you >>have just seen, you will never forget." >> >> "Be careful how you live. >> You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!" >> >> I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. >> To guide you and protect you as you go along your way. >> His love is always with you, >> His promises are true, >> And when we give Him all our cares, >> You know He will see us through. >> >> Only if you feel to, pass this to People you want God to >>Bless....I DID!
This place for me has been a blessing from God and I am sooo very Thankful for it. I do truly believe that you all here plus alot of sweat and tears of my own have gotten me to this point and I am so proud to be a part of this online communiity that we all share.
My H and son are now in Mexico and I am strangely calm about it all. I was sooo scared just a few weeks back and I was feeling so much like I needed my H to know and then he could help me with it and yet I never mentioned it.
I feel as though maybe everything will be ok and yet I do not know for sure. I am well aware that the OW is most likely in the same city in Mexico and she will most likely be stopping by to visit my SIL as they are very good friends and it is Christmas. Yet I realize me stressing and getting worked up and assuming the worst will only hurt me. I can only hope and have faith that my h will do the right thing and he will be loyal to me. And his heart will be in the right place. The terrified feling is all but gone,, sure it will hurt to know he saw her or they talked but what can I do ?
I need to focus on my happiness and being the best me that I can be and just allow myself to feel Happy. I can not predict the future so I need to just have faith in God and pray for my calmness to stay with me and that I will feel this way throughout his stay in Mexico. I am just hoping that I am not being a fool by having faith in him. I have done this before as he works out of State very often and he has let me down and now it just feels different . I just can not explain why.
He seems to have a problem with his self worth and tries to get others to fill the void mainly Women. It is sad really cause it does not just affect him it affects me as well. Him trying to fill up his self esteem with loose Women just makes my self esteem plummet but if he would fail me again I do feel I have grown enough to know that it is all about him and not me,, if he needs x, y or z from now on I have tried to make him understand that he just needs to voice it . Just the other day when he was taking to me I told him instead of getting angry and not really saying what you fel or assuming when I do x, y or z it means x, y or z talk to me about it and I will help you understand me better. It will help our R tremendously and he agreed.
He still has the tattoo and now he has had it for @ 6 months and he was "deeply" in love with "OW" for @ 9-10 weeks. And yes he has tried to cover it a couple of times but schedules of the tatto artist we know and his woulld always conflict and yet he seemed in no rush to take care of this painful reminder and yet why do I place so much hurt with this Tattoo he has above his heart? I dunno it just hurts,,,,, he did call me one time from work and say please call him and see if I can get in today and I had NO LUCK,, I just want it to be gone cause sure maybe it is selfish of me but then again,,, it just reminds me of all the pain and I allow myself to feel ugly and I am not I am a worthwhile Woman. I do not want to forrce him to remove it but to me it just seems like he keeps it to hold on to her,,, I dunno.
I am Happy and I feel good but when he came home after being gone for 2 weeks last weekend evrything was great and then wham he takes of his shirt in front of mme and all of a sudden it was like in the movies when the record scratches and I was taken back and I felt so stupid,ugly, hurt, worthless, foolish and worthless AGAIN and I had honestly forgotten about it and I was fine and then I started to feel sorry for myself and ruined about an hour of time , we had an arguement and he said that I place to much importance on it.
I am well my life is blessed and I guess the Tattoo is actually the way I discovered the truth and then I wished him well with her and he could not lead his sort of double life anymore, that I would not be the OW when in fact I was still his Wife. I told him that is far too painful,,, so I wish you every Happiness life has in store for the both of you. That is when the very next day ( after I confronted him about the tattoo ) he suddenly called me more and little by little he let her go and came back,, So now am I to look at this ugly stain on his Beautiful skin as blessing from God and that way he had to confront himself and follow his true feelings? I dunno????? God bless...
Just dropping by with wishes for a very Merry Christmas! You have done so well and I am so proud of you. Keep it up!!!!!
((((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))
I'm also dropping by with God's Coffee for you this morning!
God's Coffee
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee. When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
"Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... Enjoy your coffee!
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything." Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Well I have been feeling much better theses last few weeks and actually I went thru last week feeling good but very drained I took a few naps a day for some reason....
I have been getting along great ( a few bumps but no big deal Thank GOD) with my H even though he is In Mexico again. I let go and just trusted in him and in myself to be ok. He has been gone with my "BABY" ( my 7 yr old son ) for about 2.5 weeks now and I really started to miss him on New Years Eve. Christmas morning I got melancholy but NYE was too much . I cried some and I cried some more and I actually have been feeling good but at the same time I have been feeling alot of emotions and I have been crying some evryday. Not b/c I am feeling sorry for myself but more to cleanse my soul I think. I am very emotional ,, and NO it is not that time of the month . I have been giving myself permission to feel and to grieve and to mourn and to rejoice. Just the other day my H called and he was being a little saucy on the phone and we started to out of nowhere have a convo about our R. he mentioned a sexual thing and then I mentioned a sexual position that I now enjoy that I used to be not so happy to do and he said he used to love to do that position but no longer,,, cause for so long I used to make him feel bad about it,,,, then I said well it is hard for me to explain but now that I feel like you really love me it is good for me . It is hard to explain... then he said " well try and explain it honey,," and I said " Ok I will try,," I said " I used to live in fear and felt like your sexuality had nothing to do with me and I was just a release for you and now that I know you really and truly love me it is so different. I know that you love me and anything you and I do now it feels so right so beautiful. " " I used to feel very insecure and like you didnt see me and I am alot better now,, I know that at the end of the day not matter what it is me ,, it is me you are coming home to and I did not used to have that." " you have changed alot and I have changed alot and the other day when you tried so say you knew who I was you were wrong cause yes I am the same but at the same time I am completely different and so are you,, I have grown and so have you,, like for instance I am not stupid I know that posibly that girl you have a tattoo of may be over there and maybe you will see her and yet i can no longer hold my breath and live in sadness like I used to waiting for you to let me down,, I have faith in you and i must trust you and I will . It is up to you to do the right thing and not let me down and if and when you ever would then the trust will leave and not until then. I used to live in fear you were always going to let me down again and now I dont and that is what you can not get used to either.
.... but you really , really hurt me this summer and since then I refuse to live in constant fear. I either love you and have faith in you or leave no in between and if you would ever let me down then that is when I need to be sad but not constantly like before.."
I was crying while I told him all of this and you what it felt so good to let him know the pain I was in and used to feel daily and how now my behavior seems unbelievable cause I have just let go and decided to live and to be Happy. He told me she was not there nor had been there during his stay..... I told him" Wel I made a decision weeks ago not to talk to you about this and to just have faith in you and faith in our love and know that even if she was there it was up to you to make the right choice and not do anything bad and that is all I can do the rest is up to you but I am not going to be stressed about it everyday. I have to trust you and know that you will make the right choices." he said ' I know honey , now stop crying, Please. "
I dunno if he will ever know the immense pain he has caused me but I think he has alot more respect for me than he used to ,, NO! Even before this "good for me to get this off my back" conversation.
I KNOW he has alot more respect for me....
And now I am crying on my keyboard, so I will take a break and post more later.....
Life is good and we can make it better everyday by loving ourselves enough to respect ourselves. God bless....
I am doing better and yet I am still so Raw, so emotional. I am feeling like this coming of the new year has allowed me to wipe my slate clean so to speak ,, the bad memories still slip in every once in awhile and the things that were said to me that were not so nice.
..... but I know that I am worthwhile and that I am beautiful and that I love myself enough now to expect my H to love me the same . I actually started to love myself more after I fell flat on my face and realized he had OW the whole time and I was just denying the reality until it was right in front of my face he was lying the whole time and the really sad part is he was not just lying to me the saddest part is he was really lying to himself.
I am proud of myself for having the courage to love myself enough to try hard and not disresepct myself at the same time. He really tested my strength and I ended up givinng myself the best gift ever my SELF back and in turn I got My H back and I am now on a Journey to have the best M ever,
.... it is not a destination I now realize but a constant striving of finding the love I need and being the best human being I can possibly be.My fear is subsiding and that is what is helping mme to be so string,, fera can not help me cause I can not predict the future I can only live the best way i know how and hope that he has the integrity to follow me and be the best man , husband ,friend , I deserve and he too deserves to be.
..... he was living a lie for soooo long and I was too only he would try to fill the void with OW ( plural ),, more than once and I would fall flat on my face every time. ..... but I never found myself. I just hid more to try and avoid the pain . That did not work for me,, he was looking for me and I was lost ,, hidden to try to escape the immenese pain I was in and he thought he could find me in every woman who Smiled at him and there is no other me there is no other you we all have unique gifts and a beauty all our own and noone else is quite like me . Thank God
I thought if I am quiet long enough he will come and find me and rescue me from this hell and make everything better. It was not until I chose to find my own damn self that I have healed , am healing.
I am seeing all the time I have wasted and it makes me sad. I am also proud of myself b/c now I have learned sso much that I hope to help my children love themselves and have a fantastic sense of self and be happy in their own skin,, it took me far tooooo long to be happy in my own skin. I do not want for my kids to have to suffer the way I have and so I will use what I have learned to help them be strong yet humble and love life to the fullest. I am feeling so strong again like I used to ,, I have not been this strong for a good 10 years and that is far too long.
I have this sense that things will be ok and it is coming from within b/c my Hubby has been gone almost 3 weeks and sure he has been great with me but I have chosen to now use my voice and let him know who I am and what I will or will not accept, I am sure when he arrives I will need to keep strong.. b/c I am quite sure he still has the Tattoo ( of OW NAME ) and last time I let it get to me he was furious. That hurts me that he thinks that I would think that the Tattoo is no big deal to me it feels like he is slapping me in the face or laughing at me, and when he calls me from Mexico he seems so sincere and he tells me how much he misses me and that he loves me very much ,, so I just do not get why he still has this damnn thing.I guess when I see it instead of getting upset what emotion should I have and even though now I get this real strong sense his love is genuine and he is IN this for good ,, I am genuinely concerned that I will ( OVER ) react to it like I did last time he came home after being gone 2 weeks. I guess the more I let go of being "DETACHED" the harder it becomes to tolerate.
But I am strong and I can do this ,, maybe he will just have to keep his shirt on until he removes it ????/highly doubtful/,, it is afterall his body but when he wants me to share my body and soul ( ML ) I feel it is arrogant that he is receiving pleasure and I have to read her name on his chest..... my ecstacy turns to hurt and anger.UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is hard to surrender and have deep pleasure when the man you are sooooo in love with and committed to has a name on his chest that is not yours. And she got her name above his heart after only 6 weeks and I gave him 3 beautiful intelligent healthy children and 10 years. OUCH that hurts for sure , I have to admit.
Yeah I am whining alot and I will stop but it still stings to see it .
......alot less Thank God, but still some. I hope that by this time next Year his OW BS and the nightmare of our impending D will be a distant memory. We have been togther for 10 years only reconciled for 6 months and it will get better I will see to that. we were talking the other day about going to Mardi Gras in new orleans like we did last year when he was down there working in New orleans after the Hurricane, Only last year my stay with him was good but I was not being my true self he was having an EA with someone who he had become " friends" with ,, I suspected it and mentioned it but he denied it. So I let that taint my stay and I hope that this Year if we do go I will allow myself to be the beautiful person I am and just enjoy him and enjoy me and my wish for my Hubby this year is for him to grow and become the man he know he can be and love me with a deeper respect THAT I so deserve and to be faithful the WHOLE Year. If he can accomplish that I will be even happier in OUR M. I have already explained to him that I either love him and trust him and he respects me or I am out no in between ever again. Life is too short and Marriage is not about half truths ,, live in the truth and respect one another.I really feel like he knows this now that I will not accept anything less but real lasting COMMITTED love,, I give this to him with open arms and like I told him if you fail me then I will have to decide what to do and until then ------>you will have this new me that loves you and is not in a constant state of depression. Love and respect are free for him to give and for many years he denied me that and yet he wanted me so much to love him more to ML to him MORE and I could not when I was in soooo much PAIN.
..... but he now knows that he was part of my sadness and all it takes is for him to love me with honor and I am ME the Woman he loves and can not be without, the Woman who takes care of him who loves him whether he has 50 cents or 50 thousand dollars,, the Woman who lifts him up when everything seems bleak the Woman who never stopped loving him when he was lost and ready to walk away from everything for a fling with some *&^%$^,, The Woman I am who loved him unconditionally when I could have just closed the door on the beauty that I knew we could share and I never gave up,,I was ready to just once but I got up of the floor put my pride ( but not my dignity) in a box and Let go and let God,
plain and simple Me his WIFE no hiding and no mistrust on my part. It makes it so much easier to love and to live that is for sure..
My husbands emotions are again on a Roller Coaster. And as much as I would not like to get on for a ride again I have to admit he has once again affected me. I will update more later and take my time to really vent what I am feeling but for now I will just say,, I know he loves me very much but his guilt seems to be eating him alive..... and the scary part is he does not admit that. he will have to get better on his own and heal for himself. It scares me to think that maybe these demons will always reside in him and he will not be able to heal, but I keep working on me and remembering that whatever comes my way God loves me and I love me and I need to stay strong. God bless...
WOW... It has been a long time since I have posted and it is not b/c things are super ROSY,, I have been too busy and also trying to make tings better with Hubby.
He is on his Roller Coaster of emotions and I was on the ride for a bit but I have since decided to get off and put my "ticket" away. He has been very cold and then really hot and then just warm and fuzzy,, the last one is my personal Favorite. It seems he likes to make me cry and then these past few weeks I have realized he hates to see me cry , he needs my love like the air he breathes and he relies on my strength alot. All of theses things hit me over the head just Yesterday, actually. But when he blows up and gets mad all the time it is hard to se his love and feelings underneath all that. He still has the dreaded Tattoo,, and he still is as stubborn as a MULE but I love him dearly and I hope to keep up my strength and keep trying harder.
Just last week I was ready to let his anger push me away and then I stopped my thoughts and tried to calm myself and talked to him,, I had a real long talk with him and explained myself and my feelings and how when we have problems he wants to essentially....." throw away the baby with the bath water." And he can choose to love that way and throw it all away but I do not ,, and that I am tired of his threats and that he needs to do what he needs to do to make him happy and be prepared for the consequences if chooses to walk away again. I told him I loved him so much nd I always will but yet I am not going to go at this half heartedly and he needs to stop giving himself the liberty of sitting on the fence and when one small problem arises he is ready to bolt.I Explained my love for him is there but when he throws in my face mean comments like I am with you for the kids only and yet his behavior clearly demonstrates he loves me dearly too , it is hard to let go of that cruel comment and love you like I want to.
I have to come to realize he is like a piece of CRYSTAL he looks like he cannot break but he is still oh soooo FRAGILE . And it makes me feel sad and also frustrated,,,and yet I have chosen not to give up. I dunno when we are going to get it right but I will keep trying and I need to soften up some and let go some more but lately I feel a little too numb,,, and at the same time my pain is so tangible,, I cry at the drop of a hat. So maybe I need to head I need to head in a different direction? I am feeling scared and strong and very confused to be honest ,but I will keep smiling thru the pain. God bless....
I went to workout today and it took me back to last year at this time and things were really not so grand between my h and I and I foolishly thought love would conquer all. I am doing well most days and just trying to work thru alot of old bsggage and leave it all behind. It is soo true that you can forgive but you never forget. I am now working again on my physical appearance and hope that in 5 weeks if I really buckle down while my H is away that I can whip myelf into shape. The lbs diet left me very trim and thenwhen we were on our "second Honey moon" we spent alot of time in bed I was still staying fit but now I need to put my nose to the grind stone and get in shape.
I will also be dong alot of reading while he is gone and have bought a new book on sex to give me some pointers. I read an article recently regarding sex drive and I felt like I needed to really read it and it made alot o sense it said sex drive can get really low and diminish with stress and other stuff ,,,
mine has goten a little low and I know it is b/c I am still holding onto my sadness. My H still has the Tattoo and I know I give it way tooo much importance but I am trying not to and just let it be ,, but it so feels like he keeps it to throw it in my face " hey I can do this again if you do not keep being who I need !" I know this is not the case but it does make my mind race,,,
I am going to try real hard to Journal again and just get myself in order. I can tell I really miss him already and it has not even been a week since he has been gone and I will have to let my heart ache some and just get thru this. He seems lighter on the phone and I just hope that he can face some of his demons while he is gone but I highly doubt he will use this time to do any refelection. He always seems to blame me for his feelngs and does not take ownership. I really would love for us to go to counseling but I know he will not like the idea so I do not mention it.
I am going to continue to find me and the strength I need to make this work,,,it has been 6 months since we Reconciled and things are so different and at times I see a glimpse of the old us and I work hard to change it. I know I need to be lighter and just forget what happened a short time ago and yet I am scared if I just let go and enjoy he will go back to being who he was and I will go back to being extremely insecure and vulnerable. Well it is another day and tommorrow I wil get up again and try more and learn more about myself. God bless...
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I was still staying fit but now I need to put my nose to the grind stone and get in shape.