Okay, now this is hopefully where you can handle your R/M better than what I did. Use the DR book & this mesage board to help you, & vent here, not at W. Gosh, still wish I knew then what I know now...
Once the A was exposed, I was unable to move past it & let it drop. All I did was focus on the hurt, not realizing I was creating more turmoil & we were spiraling down. I suggest to back off & give her space, no more pushing or exposing.
I got the same speech in August you received, as H asked for his own space & time to sort things out for himself.
You can only change yourself and YOU CAN.
Imagine a balancing scale, where you are on one side & W the other. What ever you change on your side WILL affect her. Just make d@mn sure you are changing for the positive & that it is sincere.
As I am learning, this MLC span takes years. I've lived the past 3yrs in h@ll & pray it will end soon.
BUT, we CAN NOT fight the battle for them.
We can only "hold the line," by standing for our M.
BTW, when does your W leave for London?
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
To answer your original question, NO you do not tell her family, etc. Have you read DB or DR? If so, they do a much better job of explaining why in detail but the short version is that this is NOT about pressuring her into doing what you want. It's not about you forcing her back into a marriage that OBVIOUSLY wasn't working for her in the first place. It also isn't about who or whatever she's doing.
It's about looking at the REAL issues of your marriage and since you don't really have much of one right now, that leaves you looking at YOUR part of the marriage and it's problems.
Focusing on her and trying to "expose" her "dirty, evil behavior" may make you feel better but is not really likely to bring your marriage full-circle and on the path to reconciliation.
Again, this is not about all the "extra" stuff going on, it's about what isn't going on with you. She can be forced to quit that and then work on what she doesn't want to work on. You also can't force her to stop "walking away" and then expect her to believe things you change are "for real".
Start today making changes in YOUR life. BE the man you want to be and let her see that you're serious about changing FOR YOU!
I check back, but the bottom line is that this site, these books do not advocate, in ANY way, exposing the affair.
Affairs may indeed flourish in secrecy, but if you know, it's not a secret anymore now is it?
I agree with gh, she isnt' 10 for you to tell on her, she did a heinous act by having an A, and a good-talking to from parents/friends isnt' going to help anyone, she is an adult and she is the only one to decide if it is over or not.
Expose it to others for what? so they can keep it over her head in the event if she comes back? my cousin went through the same thing, she took him back but it took years for the whole family to stop thinking every time we saw him "this filthy awful liar, cheat, @#$@#)
I think airing dirty laundry is just going to make things worse, IMHO
I know it hurts like crazy, the the separation is the main issue, the A came later, the A isn't the whole reason.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I agree with not exposing the A. I snooped, confronted H and then told his sisters. His sisters had suspected an A all along, but I kept defending H saying that he would never cheat on me. Boy, was I wrong! I was in so much pain and couldn't believe that H could cheat on me. I am close to H's sisters, I didn't go to them to try to turn them against H . I don't think H sees it this way at all and I can't blame him.
If I were to do it over again I wouldn't have told his family. H was so angry with me for exposing the A . It has been about 8 months now since I told his family and H has told me that he will never forgive me for going to his family and "airing our dirty laundry". I did apologize to H for snooping into his private cell records . I told him I had no right to do this and hoped that he could forgive me someday. ( The DBing coach told me I should apologize )
Things between us now are finally getting better , but it took 8 months to get here. At least now he is friendly to me, but still keeps his distance.
I told everyone! I do mean everyone. I was so livid that 2nd day after finding out I even changed his outgoing message on his cell phone. It was not nice either. Everyone who called heard it. He was furious. Only because he was embarassed and ashamed. Just as well IMO. My rule of thumb the entire time we have been married was always if it would cause him pain then I wouldn't do it. And I agree affairs only flourish if they continue to be kept secret. I can tell it has only been about 3 weeks since I found out and he seems to already be having issues with her.
Well the opinions run the gamut. I would say no. Though I have read a lot that would contradict me; I know I would resent my wife and run to the OW if she did that.
Yes at the start there is a thrill of the "hidden" of the affair. However, at least for me, I wanted people to know. It was such a stress living a double life. It would give me a normal life if it were out in the open.
I think if you do that he will run to the OW arms. He will feel vunerable and guilty. He will have no other opiate or no where else to run.
I am sorry to borrow someone elses thread. I learned today that w. lied about her EA. She knows I know and continues to say "just friends" She and the neighbor went to function the other night. The next day w. said EA was there but they only talked briefly. Neighbor just told me that EA took W. and her home. I was upset. Told the neighbor the history and she left. W. just called and asked "are you ok" I said I am not happy talking to a lier. She said she did not lie and that I did not ask who took her home. Come on, she knows I am upset about the EA and telling me they only talked briefly sure leaves out a great detail of he also took both of us home!
I told her to leave me alone and give me space. I am upset at her. Is this counterproductive my feelings are hurt and rather than attack I just asked her to leave me alone and give me space.....
It's interesting to read other people's thoughts on this. I imagine the helpfulness or unhelpfulness of exposing the affair depends on the situation and people involved.
For example, in my husband's affair, when I was suspecting the affair he filed for divorce (how's that for a reaction to guilt!!! He figured it was okay to get involved with OW because he was "going to divorce me anyway".... yeah, he filed the week before he had sex with her!!!!).
When I learned her name and number and confronted her about it their relationship still continued. They were just angry at me and my husband became financially vindictive.
However, the OW was married... and when I finally figured out his work number I was able to let him know about the affair. That really did kill the whole thing. In some ways I'm sorry I didn't know her husband's number earlier to kill the whole thing off more quickly. But on the other hand, I did want the affair to "run it's full course" so my husband could experience the reality of it eventually running down.
Also, there was no way of knowing what her and her husband's reaction might be. She might have divorced her husband and hooked up with mine.
So really, it's a throw of the dice.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
This was one of the first questions that came up when I first discovered my W's EA.
The first board I found was marriagebuilders where they recommend exposing everything to everyone with the reasoning that A's thrive in the shadows of secrecy. Then I found these board where the BS is encouraged (in a way) to let the A run its full course and let the A die the natural way.
I have kind of employed the both suggestions because I did not know about this forum before I told my BIL about W's A. The whole thing kind of exploded in my W's face because the OM was a jealous bastard... oops did I say that out loud. He was jealous of all the male acquaintances of my W. OM went as far as emailing W's male friends to ask if they were banging her. Well, anyways, that's not the point of my post anyway... like the previous posters, it is a roll of the dice. Your mileage may vary depending on what course you take.
Damn if W did not call again. I told her I did not want to talk, I am upset. I told her I really do not care what she does anymore but she has to understand the EA upsets me. It will get out and I think that concerns her. I am not going to broadcast it. She is going to have to live with herself and she is the only one that can end it.
