My husband and I were married in june of 2006. About two weeks about, on oct. 28 in fact, I received a call from his ex-wife informing me of their affair. At first I didn't believe it and confronted my husband about it. He admitted that they had slept together once about a "month and a half ago". Sometime in september, which also happens to be around my birthday. I couldn't believe it at first and then realized he would have no reason to lie about having an affair. Since then we have talked and I have agreed to try to work things out with him., but I don't know how to move on. I find myself thinking about it all the time. My husband has also admitted that since the "one-time fling" they have talked and flirted with one another. He also said that she has invited him over again on more than one occassion. He assures me that the affair was the biggest mistake of his life and one he won't repeat again, but he was never supposed to have done it in the first place. He says that although he was part of the act, she was the one that came on to him. I believe this, but I keep looking at the phone records and it seems the calling back and forth was pretty mutual. He also left work during his lunch hour to meet with her at their old house (she still lives there with their two children) which is right down the street from my work, where I was at when it happened. He tells me I'm the love of his life, the reason he lives and breathes, and that he'll never hurt me again but he made all these promises when we got married. How can I believe him now after he's already proved that he's a liar? He says he's trying to change and that the reason this happened was because he took my love for granted and put himself first. I feel that he's right with that becuase the entire time the affair/flirting was going on I was calling him on it and asking him why he defended her, and why he acted differently around her. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to sort out my feelings. Is it possible to work through this? Should I even try or is the fact that it was done so easily and so early in my marriage a sign of impending failure? I still madly love my husband. I know this is stupid of me and I should realize that if he loved me even a tenth of the amount that I loved him, he would not have done this. I sometimes feel I should leave him but then I look a him and I'm able to see all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place and I can't get myself to call it quits. I know he's trying to make it up to me. He's being the best husband I could possibly imagine but sometimes I just feel frustrated. Like why couldn't it have been this way in the first place? If he knew all along the ways he was treating me unjustly then why did he continue? He does say all the right things now. He's always said all the right things though. I'm so angry I could break/hit something. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't want to see him. I don't want to let him go. What do you do when you still love the man that hurt you beyond belief? Will I ever be able to get over his ex being in our lives forever?
P.S. I've spoken to his ex, well more like she spoke to me a few days after she admitted to me what happened and she acknowledges her part in this and she has said that she did it to prove to me that he doesn't love me. Could it be possible that even though my husband is accountable and still to blame for his actions that his ex did in fact set a trap to set him up? I know his ex hates me because the kids love me, at least the daughter tells me she loves me already and because she knows that he has never loved her and only stayed with her for the kids sake to begin with. Plus his family loves me and dislikes her and they tell me all the time how they've never seen him happier than with me and how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Even though he played his part, could it be that she's out to destroy my marriage out of bitterness/jealousy and my husband is just a stupid [censored] who fell for it? I sometimes think she's manipulative and very controlling but hey what do I know. None of it excuses what happened and even makes matters worse because my husband can say that he honestly detests her and finds her to be very unattractive to the point of being disgusted with her. Doesn't hearing that just make you feel patronized? It definitely makes me feel that way. Not to mention the fact that it makes me feel, ugly, unimportant and unloved. Am I deluding myself? Can any of this be solved? Is love enough?
First of all, I am so sorry you’re here. I am pretty new to all this myself and boy can I relate to that sense of being overwhelmed. All the questions you’re asking yourself have been going through my head, too. It sounds like he cheated with his ex-wife, right? How long were they married and how long have they been divorced? No need to answer here, just giving you something to think about. I’m just wondering if it was recent enough that they’re not fully over each other maybe. Not that it makes it any easier.
I strongly recommend that you get Divorce Remedy and read through it. It won’t answer the hard questions for you but it will give you a lot more perspective. Yes, it is possible to work through this and one of the most important things to hold on to is hope. One thing you’ll learn is to “get a life” – basically to work on yourself so that you are happy and doing things that you enjoy. Once you’re more confident in yourself it gets easier to work through the hard stuff. And it also helps that it makes the guys wonder…”Hey what’s she up to, what am I missing out on?” when you do your own thing more.
Once you’re done with that one, you may want to also check out a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” I haven’t read this one personally but it gets a lot of good reviews and may help you. Here’s a link to it on Amazon so you can see the reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Too-Good-Leave-Stay-Relationship/dp/0452275350.
I’d also try and think about what may have lead up to the affair. If you’re having a relationship discussion already and your H is open to it maybe ask him what he thinks – but don’t be the one to start the conversation or pressure him too much on it. The things to ask or think about are is there anything he was missing? Was he reminiscing about anything, talking about missing old friends or family? Were things pretty good between the two of you, or had anything changed recently? I’m not for a moment blaming you, just saying that in my marriage, in retrospect I see signs of things going wrong that I didn’t see at the time.
And the most difficult but important thing - make sure you take time for yourself every day. Just to do SOMETHING, anything that you enjoy and that does not revolve around your H or the relationship. This is so much easier said than done but I’ve found if I can set aside even 15 minutes to do something fun, active, silly, mindless, whatever, I feel so much better.
I hope some of this helps.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
NikkiB & Heartbroken - sorry to threadjack, but I went online to look at that book you recommended and I bought... I am on the fence so to speak because of a WAH... Anyway - Nikki - wanted to thank you for the advice. And heartbroken - I am so very sorry you are here... At least your H admitted it... That is the first step - my H has never admitted to a darn thing...
Quote: because she knows that he has never loved her and only stayed with her for the kids sake to begin with.
And you swallowed this?????!!!!!!! If H told you this whopper, I am here to tell you right now it is a BIG FAT LIE. If it were true, he would never have slept with her (and not just an "accidental" moment-of-weakness slept with her, but a went to her place, flirted and phone convos slept with her).
If H was not divorced when you met and he told you that, it was simply a justification for him bailing on his marriage. Most of us here have H's who have similarly rewritten history to justify their cheating. I bet if you asked her, his ex-wife could show you a whole box of sentimental cards and letters in which he declared his undying love for her, written during that time he was "just staying with her for the kids sake".
SO - given that your H was a willing participant in this affair, only MONTHS after your marriage when he should have been still completely besotted with you, has lied to you about the state of his former relationship, has an ex-wife who wants him back and has kids with that ex-wife - my instincts say RUN.
What happens if you stay? The possibilities are: - H continues to be ambivalent about his ex, which will be torture for you as they have to continue contact because of the kids.
- H will resolve his feelings for his ex, which will probably leave you dealing with a bitter and vengeful ex-w for the duration of your marriage, and meanwhile you still have a husband who is capable of premeditated cheating and may well do it again with another woman when he's depressed, or has a midlife crisis, or you gain weight, or whatever. (I say premeditated cheating because it would be different if he was drunk at a party, made a mistake, immediately regretted it and cut off all unnecessary contact with her. That's NOT what happened with your H.)
I'm normally very pro-marriage, but in a case like this, your H is showing you very early that he has character issues and also has unresolved issues with his ex-wife and the mother of his children. I think he's a very poor risk for the future, and indeed, if he still has enough feelings for his ex to have this affair, it might be best for the children if they reconciled.
Whatever you do, do NOT make babies with this man, okay? He's a bad choice for the future father of your children, and the pain he might cause them when he has another affair when his midlife crisis hits is unimaginable. If you doubt me, read some of the threads on the MLC forum, and ask yourself if that's the future you want for your future children?
Could his ex-w just be vengeful? Sure, it's a possibility - she might not be the nicest person. But neither is he, now, is he?
Sorry to see you here - I don't post much but I am telling you the exact same thing kml said -
If you read your first post as if it was someone else's it should be obvious to you.
Your man is a player - you are the OW and he happened to marry you - if any woman should put in the effort to have a decent relationship with him, it is his first wife - especially for the kids. He is a liar and a cheat - he was a liar and a cheat before, during and since your wedding. He is not and never has been "repentant" about being a player.
His first wife knows this - she did you a huge favor by allowing you to realize it - what she did for you is a million times more loving than his empty "player" words/lies.
I know this is hard for you - but RUN - you can get an annulment if that is what you need/want but get a divorce - now and get on with your life - go to counsel to be sure that your next relationship is a worhwhile one - you can learn what to look for and what to expect - it is worth a half dozen counseling sessions for a lifetime benefit.
Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. http://www.biblegateway.com/
I'm sorry but I have to agree with the last 2 posters. Were you the ow when he was with XW?
As my mother always says "The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters...unless they work VERY hard to break the cheating habit, they will do it again. Get out now while the gettin's good.
You may ask yourself why everyone's jumping to the conclusion that he was still married when you met him. I'm not saying you were the OW - he may well have been separated long before you met him. It's just that the quote from him - about how he never loved his ex and just stayed with her for the kids - is SO,SO, SO very familiar to all of us as a classic line that a guy says when he's trying to justify walking out on a marriage. If they were separated (or even divorced) when you met him, I'm betting they were in the middle of an attempt to reconcile that was derailed when you entered the picture, and that line was his way of justifying it to himself.
Honey, you would not believe how many of us were in loving, wonderful marriages for 10, 15, 20 years - with huge boxes full of endearments from our husbands - only to hear they "never loved us" once they fell for some new broad. It is a classic WAS move to rewrite history that way, that's why we're all reacting so strongly to your story.
And, although I am strongly pro-marriage (my marriage has been reconciled) I make an exception for new marriages, especially ones that even a conservative body like the Catholic church would probably grant an annulment to. There's no way your H entered this marriage with proper intent and fell into an affair with his ex 3 months later.
Ouch! It's never easy to find out such things as have happened to you--it just doesn't matter what all the other stuff has been about/is about/will be about.
I just wanted to give you my sympathy at this time--I'm intimately familiar with how much it hurts, and I'm so sorry you've been forced to find your way here.
There are lots of great folks on this forum, with lots of great advice--listen carefully and take what you need to begin the healing.
Do for you right now. Get to a counsellor. Find some peace and get some space to think.
I just wanted to mention after reading some of the other posts - some really good points were made, especially about the timing of it all. I approached the question assuming that the your current relationship had started long after his former marriage was over. If not - I agree that you should probably get out. Individual counseling may help you deal with the emotions too.
In any case - the suggestions I made about doing something for yourself and "getting a life" as described in the DR/DB books apply completely. They are really good tips for anyone anytime, as we can always take better care of ourselves.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Quite honestly, this sounds to me like unresolved feelings for his ex-wife. I'm sure he loves you, but my guess is he still loves his ex-wife. You may try to blame her for the whole thing, but she didn't force him to do this. It is a choise he made.
Because they have children together, she's in your lives for good. I'm wondering.... if he can flirt with her and have sex with her while your relationship is still in the "honeymoon" stage, how tempted will he be when things settle down and you enter the normal ups and downs and times of boredom that's typical in married life?
I would imagine the temptation later would be stronger. Unfortunately, when people cheat, there are usually a lot of lies involved. (i.e. trying to protect the betrayed person, self, affair partner, etc...).
Personally, if I encountered something like this early on in a marriage I'd probably leave.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
