It's kind of like being caught in an undertow. If you struggle too hard while it's pulling you out to sea, you'll drown from fatigue. If you go with the flow for a while, then let the tide carry you back in so that you can simply keep your head above water and slowly make your way back to shore, you'll be fine.
Wow, awesome analogy!!! I've been thinking somewhat in that direction myself. Rather than create drama, just kind of let go and go with things for awhile. Maintain space, focus on self and healthy things that heal....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: Rather than create drama, just kind of let go and go with things for awhile. Maintain space, focus on self and healthy things that heal....
That's really a better way to put it, root. More practical. Thanks.
I was a lifeguard in my younger days, so I'm prone to wax philosophical about swimming
But I think you're right, root. You've got to be an individual first. It's very difficult, if not impossible, for two people drowning to save each other. Just as difficult for one to try and save the other. The panic of one usually wears the other one out. Probably the most intensive part of my lifeguard training was learning how to save someone without letting them drown you.
So unless there's some driftwood or a raft or something, we pretty much have to be able to make it to shore on our own first. Then work together to avoid getting into troubled waters again. Hmmm.
I'll bet there's a lesson there, somewhere.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I grew up in a family of surfers and spent a great deal of my younger days in the ocean so I can relate to ocean metaphors. I think there's a lot of lessons there....
In some ways this little online community is like a raft. I don't think I'd have gotten this far on my own without the advice and support I've found here.
Sorry Deejay for hijacking your thread... I hope you're doing well today!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm prob mangling this quote from either TL or Muddle, but it was something like "if you are waiting for your S's behavior to pull you together something is very wrong"
We must remember what kind of people were were before, before we married.
It did take me a few weeks to get a hold of my hurt feelings, it does take time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have been with you a long time and it's nice to see you doing better...but not as nice to see you still struggling with the same issues YOU had from day one of reconciliation. Like the others have said, this part is 100% on you. Choose to feel better. Choose to not need her to validate you. You are special because of who you are, independant of what she thinks of you.
Sure, it's nice to hear all the validating things from her, hell, I want them from my W too, but you HAVE to keep up the DBing and realize that once again you are trying to make her responsible for your happiness. You are trying to substitute her view of you for your self-esteem.
You were and ARE a good man. Believe in yourself and believe in what your marraige can become.
Thanks for stopping by GH..and thanks everyone for your replies.. I really am trying to get over these things on my own...its just i feel like why should she get to have this whole part of her life without me and me not knowing what "really" happened.Its just doesnt seem fair. I know i know..get over myself and realize what led us here in the first place..alot of it was me,but i never knew about the things that bothered her so much..she confided in her friend and such but never really sat me down and told me how she really felt..she made a decision to do what she did and i feel like im still the only left to deal with all the pain and hurt and..hell i just want to know that im loved and wanted and desired...i know i know...im leaving it up to her to make me feel good about myself.. Thats the one thing i hate about all of this..is I always felt good about myself and who i was..i felt attractive and a fun person to be around..the past few years i went into a little hole with my own depression of sorts with family issues and such,and i feel like she bailed on me...but then again..i never really sat her down and told her of my feelings either..so thats where i am.. Im just a stupid man who didnt pay much attention to my W,but cant stand the fact that she went outside the M and found a new life..Granted...it sure wasnt all that was cracked up to be for her..yet she kept on doing it... Man we really have great times now...when im not in one of my depressed moods about what she has done...our sex life is unbelievable now...but the crazy thing is sometimes that even bothers me..why now..i always had problems with her and our sex life,but she could never seem to want to open up with me in the bedroom..what changed during her A? She didnt feel comfortable with me doing thangs,but it was easier to "find" herself and let go with another.. Ok now im ramblin' so i will go..Just a little glimpse in the life of me these days...Sometimes i just hate the way she has made ME feel about myself....any sense being made here? Thanks everyone\ DeeJay
