O.k. this is my first post in a very long time. I am not sure how you all can find my other postings, because this board is confusing to me to navigate and link, etc... but I have posted before to explain my "sitch"
here are my statistics:
Married 18 yrs. Have known each other 22 years Daughter 9 separated: Feb. 2005 Divorce: waiting for agreement of settlement to be written up.
Every interaction that we have in person is very sad and it seems like he is trying to be nice and fair and wants to be friends, but then turns into this crazy selfish person. The nicer I am to him the more he gets angry. I still love him, but he has shown so much negativity and he has been really rotten to me at times that his behaviour is schizophrenic. I am keeping my distance to avoid being abused by him as one minute he is nice and the next minute he is cursing at me. He has really lost his mind. I don't know what to do, so I don't do anything. I am very down and it is too hard for me to have some spirit even in front of my daughter.
Just really tired and lack of hope for anything good anymore.
Hi Five Like your handle. Can you give yourself a High Five. I am not passing judgement on either of you. Throwing rocks is dangerous inside a glass RV.
You sound like my X. My X stated being overwhelmed by a spouse with a controlling personality is worse than what you stated was your reaction. Ivory towers 3000 miles (1000 in my case) away from family is tough. X stated her personality was being ground down to nothing leaving her in basicly a depressed sorry mess. Her reactions were not too stellar.
I wanted a family and was not willing to put the effort required to make that family a success so I resorted to control tatics. Eventually the family rebelled and escaped.
From my perspective as the dominate personality It's very difficult for a controller to change their ways. It usually takes very tramatic negative events coming Fast hard and continious before a controller faces that ugly mirror and decides he/she is not the center of the world.
Accept the situation: His tatics and your response. Choose: Which direction you want to go. I'd research what he is. The orgins probably predate you. He alone can change it and maintain that change. Take the course of action: Healthy dose of forgiveness. We are not talking trust but forgiveness is easier to achieve with understanding. That is the gift you give yourself to heal and have good judgement. (He may still have issues that contributed to the situation. Heck I do.)
I'd pray a lot with the knowledge when you ask for a tree you may get a seed, leaky bucket, rusty shovel, and a confusing set of directions to the water hole. Just refer to the old Stones song 'You don't always get what you want'. Miracles can happen but I would not depend on one in the way you expect it. Sorry so general just passing on experience.
If you get any measure of success then give yourself a high five.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Dear Five - Your sich sounds a lot like mine. My wife is very controlling and will fight dirty when she's not getting her way. While, I am no expert, I do empathies with you and understand how frustrated you must feel. If you want to know more about my sich, please read my post, "Postponing divorce" in this section.
Here is what I am beginning to do about my situation. First I am focusing on me being the best person I can be - This is greatest gift I can give to my children and myself, regardless of how things turn out. This means treating my W civil manner - but more importantly it means setting boundaries. The other day she sent me a nasty e-mail attacking me for all sorts of things (some legit, some 10 years old,i nterpreeting my motives, generalizations, etc.).
I began to respond (the usual way) trying to sort out the allegations, defend, counter-attack, etc. Then it hit me how "cheeseless" my natural response is. So, I trashed that response and I nicely responded to her that I understood how hurt and angry she is and that there is legitimacy to a lot of her comments. However, I said I would not respond to them until she re-phrased her letter using "I statements". I have not heard back from her and that was early last week.
Last weekend we had a pleasant face - to - face conversation about our situation. Before we had the conversation, I had asked her when the appropriate time to have such a discussion was and we scheduled it. In other words it was not spontaneous - I think this is important. We conversed for about 25 minutes (I did my very best to be a good listener) and after we had talked about everything I told her I thought it was a good time to end the discussion (quit while we're on a good note). I think it's important to set limits on these conversations and, as a boundary technique, agree to stop if things get too heated.
In short, I am finally beginning to feel pleased about how I am handling things. It takes work and never comes naturally to me.
Work on yourself (I know real change does not happen overnight). Set appropriate boundaries. Treat your spouse civilly. You may not change the relationship, but you will feel better about yourself, knowing that you are doing the right things.
