Need advice

[want2believe]

Feeling a little confused. Although WAH is at home, and for the most part things are going well, I still feel like H is really ready yet. I know where both really busy and have lots to do, but he just hasn't seemed that interested lately in sex. That was his biggest complaint, yet lately when I try to play with him, he doesn't seem that interested. Is this normal for a WAH to go through when he comes back home? Am I expecting too much? Should I say anything to him about it? I know I've mentioned it once, and H has down played it, and later given me a big hug and kiss, yet still hasn't seemed that interested. I almost feel like our roles have been reversed to some extent.
I know when I get a chance here, I'll need to go back and re-read the MLC phases, but for now, I just needed to at least voice my concerns.

[want2believe]

One more thing. It's WAH birthday on Wednesday. When I asked him what he wanted, he said time where he didn't have to do anything. Then he said he wanted 24 hours with nothing to do, and then added afterwards, that he wanted to spend it with me.

I'm not sure what to get him. I've thought about a couple of nights away somewhere, just the two of us, but it probably can't be do far away because if the kids and the business.

Also, WAH has mentioned twice about us merging our savings accounts back to together. I'm not ready to do that yet, although I haven't said that directly to him. I just haven't really commented. I have more in my savings than he does. I'm trying ot be optimistic here, but it still is a gaurded optimisism. I mean, he's brought stuff over from his place, but some things he still hasn't but away. I won't put it away for him either. Needless to say, that is also way I'm really not sure he's ready, even though he seems to do and say everything else like he wants to come back. It's just so confusing at at times and I don't know what exactly I should do or how I should act. Do I confront him when things bug me like I've been doing, or do I give him more space for a while? I just have trouble not saying things sometimes anymore, when the bug me.

[Afraid]

Just checking in. Haven't had much time lately to read. What has been happening?

[want2believe]

Hi Afraid,

It's nice to know that someone is interested. Sorry, I'm a little down right now. WAH has moved back in. The lease on his duplex is done. We finished moving him out on Wednesday. I'm still trying though to get the house back in shape though, and figure out where to put everything, as we now have duplicates of some things. I'm also trying to re-organize the closets and drawers for clothes.

I have to admit though that I do have reservations, and more so lately. For around 2-3 weeks around when I agreed to let WAH come home, WAH was very loving and touchy, and I felt like he really wanted to be with me, and didn't want to loose me again. But as time goes on, WAH seems more distant. I don't know what he's thinking, but it's weird. It's like I know he wants to be here, but he's backed off on initiating anything, and when I do, it's not like he turns me away or anything, but he just doesn't respond the way he use to. I feel like I'm not turning him on anymore.
We have been going out on dates on Friday, but usually it's sometime Friday when one of us mentions it. I'm somewhat apprehensive though at times, wondering if he'll ask. I don't assume we'll be going out every Friday. I've told him how I'm feeling, and I don't know if it's helpping or driving him further away. Just this past Friday when I mentioned it, he said hew as still working on things himself. I take that to mean, (which I probably shouldn't) that he's still not sure this is what he wants. I struggle with this daily lately - and I find myself wondering if he's just manipulating me. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it. It doesn't help either knowing that either one of us, or both of use could potentially loose our jobs within the next couple of months, as we both work for the same company, and they have a big number of layoffs coming. I'll probably jinks myself here, but I feel a little more confident than he doesn't that I won't loose my job. If WAH had stayed lovey dovey, I don't think I'd be feeling this way, but since he's backed off, I can't help but wonder if part of him is only doing this because he might loose his job, and then he couldn't afford to be on his own.

I also know my WAH is back watching porn, and it didn't help that last night I noted he watched it for almost 2 hours (til 3am.). I confronted him about it this morning, and he said he was watching it as he waited for something to finish with the other PC he's trying to upgrade to Windows XP, but which won't boot up out of safe mode. He was watching porn on his PC for hours each day before he moved out. I know I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I can't go back to that. So, right now, needless to say, I don't feel that good about our relationship. I need to feel like he wants to be with me, not just here with us. I also feel caught in a catch 22, as I need to tell him when something bothers me, yet I feel like this might be pushing him farther away from me also. He just told me to not turn this into a witch hunt, and left to check the car wash.

I'm thinking about asking him if he'll got to counseling with me or by himself for at least 6 months, but I almost positive he won't agree to this. I don't know if I should though. I just don't know what to do right now, I wonder sometimes if it's just paranoida on my part. Any comments or suggestions?

[Afraid]

First, my thought is not to read into things that may not be there. You sound like me.:) I know it is hard, but don't assume things and look for so much negative. I would also suggest as before to worry more about your kids and yourself. I know it is hard with hime there, but don't pressure him. If you remember my situation my h never left home so I had to live with him through his whole ordeal and believe me it was hard to watch and not say anything. Hang in there.

[want2believe]

Thanks Afraid,

You're probably right in that I'm reading things in here, that may not be true. I need release my feelings thought somehow with WAH
though, without alienating him.

Things have been OK lately, not great, but not bad either. I know
I went a little over board this morning though again. We had s** last night, and WAH got up afterwards to have a smoke. WAH didn't come back to bed until after 3a.m. When I checked this morning, I noticed he'd been watching porn for almost 2 hours last night.
Needless to say, it's doesn't feel too great knowing you're H is watching porn after just having s** with me. When I asked him what he was doing until 3a.m. this morning, he said he was just wired. It really bothered me, so I called him and asked him why he had to watch porn after having s** with me. He lied and said he wasn't, and that he wasn't lying to me. I told him that I
was trying to trust him, but it didn't help when I know he's lying to me. I told him how I knew. He just laughed at me, and told
me we'd talk about it later, and dropped the call. I don't think he'll bring it up though, unless I do again.

I still don't feel great about this whole situation, and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I know it helps me that I did say something about it. I can let it go now, rather than having
it eat away at me for days like it would have if I hadn't of said
anything.

[Afraid]

I can understand you being upset, I probably would have been too.
You can change the fact you asked him. You may not of gotten the response you wanted, but I wouldn't bring it up again.
Just take it one day at a time.

[want2believe]

Well it's been almost a year since H moved back home. We've had our up's and down's. I still struggle myself with things -mainly because I know he has absolutely no regrets about what he did. He's told me so. I find it hard to totally forgive him, knowing he has no regrets about it, mainly because it makes me believe he'll do it again.

I'm really struggling today - as there are a lot of things that are bothering him about H, yet when I try to talk to him about them, he seems to ignore them or give me his quick solution for the problem. He doesn't seem to want to talk about anything that is bothering me.

Some examples:
1. He asked shortly after we moved in about setting up another joint savings account. I hesitated at first, but after about a month I agreed. He told me to open it up, which I did, yet he has absolutely no interest in it. He hasn't but a penny in it. Why did he even ask for this. Yet I get no reply when I asked him about it. It just seems to me that it's a committment he's not ready to make yet - or that he still wants to keep things seperate in case they don't work out.
2. For his birthday last year, I wanted to take him to a nice hotel - just the two of us, and let him relax. He has yet to take me up on it, and everytime I've brought it up, he has an excuse - like what if something at the car wash breaks. Keep in mind, where I wanted to take him is only 15 minutes away from our house. I've given up asking.
3. I've got a week vacation planned in OR for this summer. A family reunion on my mom's side. He can't committ to going, and if he does, he say's he can only probably come for a couple of days because we don't have anyone to watch the car wash. BS! How come other people who own business can find time to take vacations.
4. My mother just recently passed away. Although he went back with me to the funeral - I paid for all the gas and motel rooms. I took a picture of him and the boys all dressed up - no picture though was taken of me. I guess I should have asked!
5. We finally did get wood ordered to do the trim in our house, and he started on the hall way upstairs. We moved to the spare bedroom, and now it's been 4 weeks since anything has happened. He's said for the last 2 weeks that he'd spend 2 days a week on it, but nothing. When I brought it up, and said I'd hire someone to come in and finish installing it - he just said if that's how I want to blow my money fine. I got upset and told him we were just going back to our old ways which caused him to leave in the first place - me constantly waiting - [censored] I've only been waiting over 15 years for the trim in our house. I'm not waiting any longer, and told him he didn't even want to discuss options. That night he came home and said he'd
spend 2 nights a week on it. I just told him the already said that for the last two weeks and nothing had happened. End of converstion as he didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore.
Keep in mind, I'm still showing him I love him and want to be with him. I just don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. I'm not convinced he came back because he wanted to be with me - I feel like he finally realized what he could loose, and doesn't want to loose it all.

[want2believe]

Well it's been almost a year since H moved back home. We've had our up's and down's. I still struggle myself with things -mainly because I know he has absolutely no regrets about what he did. He's told me so. I find it hard to totally forgive him, knowing he has no regrets about it, mainly because it makes me believe he'll do it again.

I'm really struggling today - as there are a lot of things that are bothering him about H, yet when I try to talk to him about them, he seems to ignore them or give me his quick solution for the problem. He doesn't seem to want to talk about anything that is bothering me.

Some examples:
1. He asked shortly after we moved in about setting up another joint savings account. I hesitated at first, but after about a month I agreed. He told me to open it up, which I did, yet he has absolutely no interest in it. He hasn't but a penny in it. Why did he even ask for this. Yet I get no reply when I asked him about it. It just seems to me that it's a committment he's not ready to make yet - or that he still wants to keep things seperate in case they don't work out.
2. For his birthday last year, I wanted to take him to a nice hotel - just the two of us, and let him relax. He has yet to take me up on it, and everytime I've brought it up, he has an excuse - like what if something at the car wash breaks. Keep in mind, where I wanted to take him is only 15 minutes away from our house. I've given up asking.
3. I've got a week vacation planned in OR for this summer. A family reunion on my mom's side. He can't committ to going, and if he does, he say's he can only probably come for a couple of days because we don't have anyone to watch the car wash. BS! How come other people who own business can find time to take vacations.
4. My mother just recently passed away. Although he went back with me to the funeral - I paid for all the gas and motel rooms. I took a picture of him and the boys all dressed up - no picture though was taken of me. I guess I should have asked!
5. We finally did get wood ordered to do the trim in our house, and he started on the hall way upstairs. We moved to the spare bedroom, and now it's been 4 weeks since anything has happened. He's said for the last 2 weeks that he'd spend 2 days a week on it, but nothing. When I brought it up, and said I'd hire someone to come in and finish installing it - he just said if that's how I want to blow my money fine. I got upset and told him we were just going back to our old ways which caused him to leave in the first place - me constantly waiting - [censored] I've only been waiting over 15 years for the trim in our house. I'm not waiting any longer, and told him he didn't even want to discuss options. That night he came home and said he'd
spend 2 nights a week on it. I just told him the already said that for the last two weeks and nothing had happened. End of converstion as he didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore.
Keep in mind, I'm still showing him I love him and want to be with him. I just don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. I'm not convinced he came back because he wanted to be with me - I feel like he finally realized what he could loose, and doesn't want to loose it all.

[want2believe]

One of the conditions of him coming back was that we had to make time for each other. We've gone out like 4 times in the last six months, just once in the last 3 months. It's not a priority for him anymore. I ask, but I usually get some excuse. Even when we stay at home, it's not the same as when he first came back. I feel like I don't turn him on much anymore.
As far as gifts go, other than eating out, he hasn't spent more than $20-$25 on a gift for me since he's been back. I spend more than that for him. We agreed not to get gifts for each other for Xmas as we'd spent a ton on the wood for the trim, but he didn't even get me a gift from the boys. He didn't even think about it. He felt bad when he saw he had gifts from the boys. I told him not to worry about it, I didn't expect anything. Which was true. Given his gift giving pattern lately, I really didn't expect anything. It still hurts though.

Bottom line is that no matter how much I love him and want to make this work, I really struggle with forgiving someone who doesn't regret what he's done to me at all. Because of this
maybe I read more into things than I should, but I can't help it.
There are so many little things - I wonder if we'll make it. I fell like I can't talk to him without driving him further away from me, yet if I don't try to talk to him about it, I'll get more resentful, and distance myself from him.
Right now I'm thinking of just giving him money that would have covered his last birthday gift - (outing at a hotel) and some money for this year, and telling him to put it towards his stock car. He's real love. Racing and the car wash always seem to come before me and the boys! I know it's not entirely true, but that's how it feels!
Thanks for listening if you read this. I need to figure out what I want/need to do here, and what I can or can not live with. I'll never ask for a divorce, but what ever I decide, it will impact our relationship. Good or bad!