HDW, here, wondering what the options are for dealing with LDH.
Married for 5 years, together for 8 – and only ML on average less than once a month. Both of us committed to our marriage, and each other, things between us are great except for the lack of sex. H feels bad about it, we don’t know what we can do together. ED not an issue, kids not an issue (none), emotional withholding/nonsexual touching not an issue (lots of smooching, handholding, words of love at all times from both of us, just not anything further). Still fairly young (36), absolutely committed to DH but don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, can only see it growing worse as we age together. Afraid that I may one day cheat (have history of infidelity in previous relationships). Both have history of depression (neither of us on antidepressants, though) – tend to deal with mine by wanting to connect, to reassure self-worth through proving desirability, he deals with his by withdrawing into himself and sleeping as much as possible. Have taken online lovers (online only, never physical, sometimes with an emotional component and sometimes cybersex only), with DH’s tacit approval (don’t ask don’t tell), but that’s still unsatisfying. Don’t want anyone else, I want DH. Had a big talk with him about it last night, he is going to see a dr., but we don’t know what can be done. Options as I see them: 1) Live with it, make friends with my Hitachi, accept that it’s not going to get any better, kill the part of myself that wants/needs/expects lovemaking 2) Cheat, get physical needs fulfilled and hate myself 3) Leave. #3 not an option, #2 a horrible option, #1 also a horrible option. What else is there? Help!
Have you read THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE? (I believe Michele is currently writing "The Sex-Starved Wife"....so that will be great--I hope it comes out soon)
You're in a tough place because you otherwise have a good marriage....and you don't want to put too much pressure on him, and yet......it's hard to be on fire
The right antidepressant medication probably will help your situation as well as a full medical physical for him.
In the meantime, I think a good place to begin is to look at the EXCEPTIONS.....
When you DO make love....what goes on BEFORE you have an encournter...is it a setting, is it a certain mood, is it a better day at work?
I was in this situation a while back and it turned itself around on its own.....it seemed to have more to do about how he felt about himself....his life, his work, his body.
What are some little clues that you have?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
We're asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night for w/e reason, and notice he has an erection in his sleep. I go down on him, he wakes up and we ML.
When we do, it's awesome! (Although over the last year or 2 he's been coming a little quicker than either of us would like - he's adapted to that by bringing me off with hands or mouth either before he enters me or after we're done. Still I know that bothers him quite a bit.)
On those rare occasions when he initiates (yay!), I can usually tell it's coming a few days ahead of time - little suggestive things he says, the way he looks at me, things like that.
We're both very open with one another about out various kinks, and said kinks complement each other *very* well, so I know it's not something where he wants to try something but he thinks I'll be turned off by it.
He says that it's not like he's masturbating or looking at internet porn, either - he doesn't have a problem with doing that, but he hasn't been interested in soloing either.
Oddwoman, you are not odd! you are like a lot of us around here. Can you tell us a little more about your H. What type of guy he is. You mention depression this can certainly have an effect on libido. He sleeps a lot, so does my LDH, in fact he can easily fall asleep in the middle of canoodling with me
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Might I suggest that the emotional attachment of lust you can feel with 'cybersex' can be so wild that when you compare it to teasing in RL it makes RL too much work. I strongly suggest you either cyber each other as a tease, look at a 'chickflick' together but not voyer on seperately till you get this fixed.
From someone who can't convince her H that ML is over 50% emotions and who can be talked into climax and that warm oil sensation.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: did you imply that if your H just talked to you the right way you could climax
I agree with LostGal. Aural sex is hot,hot,hot. Most women are the same way. That's why women read steamy novels rather than looking at porn. Sort of a right brain/left brain thing I guess. That's also why women find it hard to resist a "sweet-talker". Women like rough, tough men who talk sweet and smooth and also sweet,smooth men who talk tough and dirty.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Women like rough, tough men who talk sweet and smooth and also sweet, smooth men who talk tough and dirty.
So, I should put my spread sheet and pictures away. Give up my PowerPoint presentation? Ditch the logic?
Jenny, I know BB and Women like rough, tough men who talk sweet and smooth, but I know from her past experiences she has told me about, almost all of the smooth talkers couldn't deliver and she eventually hated them. For defensive reasons I have to be reserved and deliver more than I talk about.
BB likes tough and dirty in others as in "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thornton, but not in real life.
Quote: why women read steamy novels rather than looking at porn.
BB has read a few of those novels before we got M, but since it is more along the lines of medical and pet books.
Some men have a problem called the wh0re/Madonna syndrome. I think women have some thing similar. I don't know the term but will say it is something between Superman/biked dude/and Dr Welby assistant James Brolin.
Now I have to figure out what mix will work for me.
Quote: I agree with LostGal. Aural sex is hot,hot,hot. Most women are the same way.
Yes, I agree. One of the things BB liked so much about watching QVC were the voices of the hosts and the men going on and on about how good a product was. Me?=puke at all the BS they were talking about. Give me numbers, case histories.
Jenny, I saw it I heard it, I see how it works. When I di it BB expects me to deliver, to take away all that can and will go less than perfect. Not just for the moment but for a long time.
My LDW and I have struggled for 20 years. I think it is great that you are talking about it before the point of anger. My relationship sounds like yours, perfect without sex. I’d say decide if you can make it faithfully before kids. I also wanted to let you know you are not odd or alone. LD spouse is hard for men and women alike. Good luck.
WELCOME!
