Hello all - It has been a while. My wife 1st told me she wanted a divorce on July 1,'05. I had been seeing a therapist for a few years and we had just begun to go as a couple of 4 or 5 sessions. I managed to coerce her into staying together for 6another 6 months. At the time I didn't know about the DB principles. We stayed together through last Christmas - tho it was very tense at times and many times my wife indicated that she wanted out. She was encouraged to give it one last try in January and we began seeing a new therapist. Then after about 5 sessions she announced that she wanted a divorce in early March. We separated on March 19. We did this through the guidance of our church. The therapist said he would only see me as my wife was not willing to work on the marriage.
All last spring and summer I tried to reconcile. Not in an overt way, but more subtle like the last resort. I did try to meet with my wife a couple of times a week just to listen to her.
Then on Labor Day she indicated that she was going to file and did so in early September. I finally came to accept that, although I tried hard to reconcile, it takes two will persons. I accepted the fact that I would be divorcing, talked to our 2 sons (ages 10 & 12) and hired an attorney. The best thing I did, however, was to join a divorce support group through one of the major churches in Chicago.
After living in ext4edned stay and sleeping on my parents couch for the last 7 1/2 months, I have found a nice apartment that can double as an office for my architectural practice. I am currently living sleeping and doing consulting work out of my parents den - they have a one bedroom condo.
After six months of watching our house burn (yes, I am a bit bitter!) our church finally decided to intervene in early October. They wrote a joint letter to both of us asking for us to repent. They asked my wife to stop divorce proceedings and asked me to contest the divorce (I don't think their up to date on divorce law in Illinois)
In any event, it impacted my wife. She now says that she believes divorce is a sin, although separation is not. She wants to postpone the divorce, but is not ready to reconcile. She wants to wait and see how I perform (maybe 2 or 3 years), and then evaluate the situation and deiced whether we should reconcile.
There is nothing I would like more than to see us as a happy couple. Although I did not want this divorce and am open to reconciliation, I do not like being in limbo and would like to get on with my life. I don't know what to do.
My wife has indicated that she is going to withdraw her petition to divorce. I feel this indefinite separation is vague and subjective. I feel that she is always raising the bar in terms of saying if He does such and such, I'll consider reconciliation. I'm tired and frustrated and feel this is a moving target. If she goes through with this and does not agree to pursue reconciliation, I feel that I will be tempted to file. After all I do feel she has abandoned me and will not own up to her share of the demise. My wife is very confused right now - I say that with a feeling of empathy. In one week she went from wanting to leave the state to staying in our house to saying she found a house and is going to make an offer the next day! Last month told me that she does not want me helping around the house and that when I do it never amounts to anything. Now she is angry at me and complains that she has to do all the housework, take care of the boys (I'm 30-45 minutes away), etc.
So.....I'm asking for suggestions. Is this (indefinite separation) the "watch and wait" period-meaning I just have to be patient? Or is my wife just dragging my chain - another way for her to be in control - and, I suspect, appease the people at our church.
While some feel I should be jumping for joy, I tired and skeptical. I have been on this roller-coaster for a long time.
My struggle is not so much with the separation as it is with the perpetuation of our unhealthy, dying relationship. My wife refuses to believe that she, in any way, has contributed to the demise of our relationship. In her world, it's all about me changing. She is the ultimate judge and has unilateral authority to assess my performance.
I have acknowledged to her, and others how I have neglected and mistreated her. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness. She has consistently treated me disrespectfully, yet she is blind to any change or apology that she needs to make. She is constantly criticizing me - now she is upset with me, because the separation she initiated has the consequences of leaving her with more housework and parenting responsibilities. I bought a new recumbent bike (about $900.00) as the "get a life" part of the last resort technique. She won't let that go - constantly complains that I am too self indulgent, etc.
I am tired of jumping though hoops for her. It as a moving target with a bar too high for human standards. But, I am going to give it time through the holidays, work on changing ME (there's always plenty to do) and see if anything changes.
"My struggle is not so much with the separation as it is with the perpetuation of our unhealthy, dying relationship. My wife refuses to believe that she, in any way, has contributed to the demise of our relationship. In her world, it's all about me changing. She is the ultimate judge and has unilateral authority to assess my performance."
I know it sucks (believe me, I have been living this nightmare for over 3 years now), but this is *normal* behavior for a WAW/MLCer.
They are prideful and downright abusive. They are judgmental, self righteous, never wrong, and the entire world is against them. We are to blame, they are nothing more than an innocent victim. To put it bluntly, they are mentally ill!
We hope and pray that it is only temporary and it usually is. Someday (we hope) they will wake up and be sorry for all of the damage that they have caused. If and when they do, they will be at a point to work on a relationship.
People do get through this, but it is very, very, hard and it typically takes many years. If you ask me, however, it is worth it -- particularly if there are kids involved.
If you can detach and find happiness in your own life it will make the wait easier. You don't need to worry much about what you do or say, time is the key. Of course it makes sense to minimize conflict, but beyond that nothing you say or do is going to matter much.
I feel your pain. You're a veteran compared to me...but what you describe is frighteningly similar to my sitch. I have also accepted responsibility for the parts of our marriage that I did not tend to adequately/properly. I've said I'm sorry, promised (and begun) to make changes, committed to counseling, and asked for forgiveness. I've offered her forgiveness for the affair and unconditional love.
In return, I've received none (not one) of these things. It is all about what she "deserves", what I haven't done, what I haven't said, etc. etc. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes (most of which have been out of ignorance...not malice). But after a while I know how the constant barrage wears on you (and you've been suffering it a lot longer than I have).
I can't really offer any advice as it's pretty clear I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing. But I will tell you that I've felt a lot better doing the LRT and GAL. I haven't closed the door on reconciliation (though I don't even see how that would be possible), but I've also moved on. I don't give my STBX opportunity to nail me (except in counseling) and I don't tell her much of anything about my life now for the same reason.
As I see it, when you move on, you make yourself a better person and that is either good for your R (if it should come back together) or it's good for the next person in your life. And if that turns out to be someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with and your WAW is still waffling, then you'll probably know at that point whether or not it's time to pull the plug.
One thing I can say for certain is this. I've stopped worrying about when I should feel something and have started letting myself feel things in my own time. When I felt strong enough to attend the church we were married in, I did...and survived (though it was tough and three weeks after the separation might have been pushing it). I no longer worry about how long I should go to counseling. I'll know when I no longer need it. And if my WAW should, through some kind of divine intervention, decide she doesn't want to throw it all away, when that time comes I'll know how I feel about it, about her, and about anyone else who might be in my life at the time and I think the answer will be obvious. I just have to remember that I don't know that now and can't...I just have to accept that I will then.
Good luck to you. I hope I can muster the patience you've shown. You're an inspiration.
