Hi Amy, Yes.. what a healthy and honest remark.. sensible, down to earth, and I think true from my current experience. We force self awareness on ourselves I think.. We analyse, we examine, we are often savagely honest and strip our feelings and motives to the bone.. We see faults, weaknesses and we ask help and support in coping and working on these things. We open ourselves to other's scrutiny.. We try to improve ourselves in many ways.. We hope and we aspire and we GAL and try to hold on to , and build our identity and be a strong and happy person again. When and if hope fades, we are in a strong position.. We are on our feet standing strong and true.. Not head in sand. Now I think I am seeing my H in a different light. As a sad pathetic person who betrayed his whole life up till then.. Who still thinks he is winning.. but is sad and missing on the true gold of life and family and love. Who will with time see, if he lets himself see.. just what he has lost. When he was here he was pathetically eagerly repeating old family jokes and sayings, events.. and I saw him clinging onto this past.. Still precious to him. but he destroyed the fabric that held it all together..
How can he live with this?
He must have told OW about our sons and their lives.. family anecdotes for her to repeat to them. How did that feel? Was he unscathed? The laugh is.. most of the family humour is from me, and laterly the boys. He loved it but was not the originator. He repeats my sayings, funnies and our events to her.. She must feel something here, listening in to the family she destroyed. Maybe she enjoys that.. ? I think she is pretty thick skinned.
He cannot make new family scenes.. While I am still in the family and we make new jokes and histories and anecdotes! My sons, their girls and I are very close. I know they love and respect me. That is mutual. We are all the closer for what has happened ,and they have said they are so happy at how I am coping.. my new life, friends and relationships.. They repeat this every time I see them.I am the one who has benefitted here.. not H. So Amy.. let him go.. wander into the outer darkness and you blossom in the warmth of your family and friends love. We care and we share it.. We get it back tenfold in the end. I feel no love or true care is lost, even if it seems at the time unanswered. In the end some good will come of it to us and others.
Amy, enjoy and be happy.. That is our message for the New Year.. Be happy and spread that happiness as far as we can! It grows and it warms, and it brings a golden harvest. Love N hugs calder xxxx
Calder Hi, I'm over on Surviving now, after a couple of yrs on MLC, an "older generation" of LB on the board I just wanted to say, I really love reading your thread You just seem to be such a delightful, warm loving woman you seem to handle your H crisis with so much class and are respected for it.
It could be because you are Scottish and I am from British parents, so maybe I am even more prejudice. but just wanted to drop by and tell you that.
Best of luck to you in '07, whatever your future holds, I do believe you will face it with the same integrity and class you seem to have shown in the past. Happy New Year!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
You know, it strikes me that those with MLC gave up so much that was good and warm and true in their quest for newness and a supposed last chance at happiness. And we were so bereft in those early days.
But 2 or 3 years on, what do we find?
We have kept all that is good and warm and true (including ourselves) and gone on to found a rich and fulfilling life. Meanwhile, they are left clinging to the wreckage they created, which has not turned out to be the wonderful mirage they glimpsed through the fog, and so rushed towards, like lemmings going over a cliff.
Your h is now clinging to the memory of all that he left behind and is probably - no definitely - gobsmacked at witnessing the gold into which you have turned your life. Mine too. Even his beloved mountain biking has lost its power to excite.
I do not think that your h can be under any illusion that he is the winner here!
They seem to be trapped into a life which is even more mundane than the one they felt compelled to escape from, blaming us for their ennui and boredom. How much dismay they must feel to see us having moved on to recreate our lives, and weaving a tapesty of such richness. Whilst they are trapped in a prison of their own making, having taken their inadequacies with them.
We do enjoy and we are happy. Some people just do not seem to have much of a capacity for either it seems.
I feel so much optimism for 2007 and know that you will continue to reap the golden harvest of the life you have created out of the misery your h left in his wake when he gave up so much that was truly fulfilling.
Much love
Jaybee xxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Thank you so much! I don't know about class but I can say that life ,at my age, does still so surprise me! I cannot believe at times what is happening. At times I wake in the morning and think.." is this really happening?" I never would have thought that I would have a man friend 15 years younger, who is popular and attractive ,and we have such a great time together, laughing,walking and just chilling. The walking too has been a revelation to me It got me soooo fit and my body in such good shape that I am amazed.
I love the group I am with for walking.. could not find a better ,kinder ,funnier group!
I met three in the supermarket today.. We had a laugh and have agreed to meet up socially even more that we do. From being a shy and socially a bit reclusive and inept, I have been forced to be sociable to survive, and find I love it ,and have found a niche! I started the party scene in the group that is now self perpetuating. Another thing I would not ever have done before. H used to just want to stay in of an evening. So I went along.
The theory was, all those years,I was the quiet shy one.. a bit socially phobic.. but hey, now I am not.. So what does that say for our relationship all these years? It clouded my identity.. I compromised too much! H did not help me out.. He let me be ,and colluded.. added in many ways to my lack of confidence.. by being the socially more confident... but not doing anything.
I know talking to friends, coming here.. was an intense learning experience for me.. a life saver and a revelation in so many ways.. I just feel that how we present reflects how we are seen. I have tried to be dignified and self respecting.. not bitter and vindictive.. I practiced holding my head high.. both physically and metaphorically! I knew I had nothing to feel shame about...
So I let the world know by my attitude.. I found that it helps so much. That and the smile at all times, " as if " for so long.. Then true and natural in time! So I find folk reflect that back ,and I am respected and told so by my friends, who have seen a transformation... for the good ,and are soo pleased for me in their loving and generous hearts!
That is my message if any is..
Practice being who you aspire to be.. and in time you will get there.. Do not give up at the bad times, they are only a test.. Cope and the better times will come! Believe that all is possible.. and things you may not ever dream of can happen in time.
Patience is a thing I am very short of for myself.. But I am now trying to practice this. I disasterise too soon.. I must give more time, for usually I suffer a hundred horrors in anticipation,that do not come to pass, for the one or two that do!! My main credo is..
" Do no hurt, but do all the help and good that you can, in your journey along the dark path." Very do-gooderish..you may say.. but I would rather be a do-gooder than a not carer or a harmer. Have faith in yourself and your true beliefs,whatever they be.. Keep the faith.
Sorry my post to you disappeared by mistake! Just to say I agree.. They have lost so much.. No wonder H is competitive as I seem at times to have so much good and fun news that it must be galling to him!
He will see a change in every way.. as with your xh..and we do not seem to need them..
Amazing! I think they dump us in the expectaion of us needing them always, missing them,we are then resented. But! We then just get on with things, and have a ball in the end! I think they resent that too! i know you wil go on to better and better things in your music, singing and social life.. Good things do lie ahead! For me too I hope and know, that whatever happens, with my family/friends I can face it!
More than that I will find my life increasingly enjoyable and fulfilling.
