When the Enemy Finds a New Foothold

[BethJ]

Hi All -

I've been a member for some time and lurk regularly, but don't post often. I tried to find my original post from over a year ago, but it is not showing in the archives, so here's a recap - sorry it's so long...

Feb. 05 Bomb - Surprisingly, it was not ILYBANILWY but "Do you love me?" Confessed a strong EA with a woman at work. Said he felt relief telling me, like a heavy burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt like we would be okay (this 4 hour discussion held while I sobbed quietly). By the end of the week, he left for 4 hours to see her, by the next week they were in a PA.

In April I found help through some marriage ministries and then found this site, where I have continued to come nearly every day in the past year and a half. I don't know where I would be without you all, and I have selfishly just taken, as I feel pretty inadequate at showing insight or dispensing wisdom. I feel I know many of you so well, and you don't know me at all. So strange these BB's.

In August of '05, I forced him (although he seemed glad) to move out as the affair was far from over, the lies had just gotten better. He was home within the month, at his request, and things were rocky for a while. I cried out to God continually and was able to be silent about EVERYTHING for about 6-8 months. Our relationship got somewhat better, but there was always that darned cell phone bill that would show where his heart really was. And there was also a hidden cell until I sent it back to its owner (the OW) this summer with a note telling her to back off. I knew who she was from online phone tracking, so had an address.

After the cell was returned, our relationship did begin to improve. My H started taking me out- around once a week or so we would go to dinner and have a really great time. About a month or two ago I texted her from his cell telling her to stop accepting and returning his calls, that he would never leave me and that he loves me. Since then, as far as I can tell, there has been no contact outside of work, which is bad enough.

We were always the "perfect couple." All of the elders and their wives at our church found out about us (my husband called our pastor and tried to step down from being a Trustee - he is still one today) as the pastor told a few "key" people. Now even more people know, which has made it uncomfortable for me, but my H seems to hold his head high and act as if. Everyone who came to me about it said we were the last couple who'd they'd have ever though this would happen to...I'm sure many of you have heard that. I am glad he is still going to church with us as a family but spiritually he is lost. I pray always for his repentance toward the Lord (he has expressed his regret to me). Here is our current problem..

When we were separated for that short period, H developed an interest in Texas Hold'Em while watching cable at the hotel. We don't have cable at home, so he was never exposed. Some guys at work turned him on to online gambling, and he's been addicted ever since. For over a year now I have seen his gambling habit go from occasional to daily, to the wee hours of the morning, to now it being every waking moment outside of work, and only 2-4 hours of sleep. He says he is not addicted but he's deceived. He lives, breathes and talks of little else but poker. Sometimes I sit next to him just to feel like we have some connection, but he is not able to converse with me unless it is about his current hand. The dates have stopped, the work around the house has stopped, he sometimes goes to work late, he barely sleeps, and although I am handling the lack of attention, I feel for our children who miss their daddy. When I talk to him about it, it gets better for a day, but then he sheepishly goes back to the same old behavior.

I do know this is a spiritual battle. I know how to fight it. What I am wondering is if any of you have experienced a replacement of the OP with a new and different type of affair. As for our marriage, it is actually better than it has ever been, mostly due to my recognition of where my faults lie and to the best book outside of the Bible I have ever read on marriage (ask if you're interested).

I do still struggle with wanting to throw that man out - I am, after all, basically living as a single parent for the moment, but I know this would be wrong and most devastating to our children, who all seem either to have forgotten Dad's craziness or are feeling secure enough not to ask anymore (he has never said a word to them in explanation or apology). I just go to my prayer closet, occasionally lash out to get his attention, but always apologize which is a TOTAL (embarrassing to say) 180 for me.

I know nothing I say will get his attention that he has a problem, so I am cheerful and loving for the most part. I struggle with feeling like a doormat, but don't want to return to the old nagging wife that I was. I know all about boundaries but have not had success with them. I think I can't figure out the difference between an appropriate boundary and being controlling, especially with an addiction that is not so socially embarrassing - no one really knows what goes on in our house but us. A counselor I saw for a short period suggested I keep the internet block up so that he cannot play any more. That seems controlling instead of boundary-setting.

Sorry so long...any ideas?

BethJ
H 40
Me 40
Married 15 years
5 Children aged 2 - 11

[runningoutoftime]

I'm not an expert here, but it sounds like an addiction problem that may be exacerbated by depression. I'd probably try to break the addiction (maybe take away internet service for awhile?), and possibly encourage him to see a therapist.

[BethJ]

Thanks for the reply. I tried unsuccessfully for a long time to get him to go to counseling, either alone or together. He is the most stubborn, self-sufficient man I know. Also in great denial about there even being a problem. It is my belief that until he turns his heart back to the Lord and acknowledges his own insufficiency, he will not realize that he is doing anything wrong or destructive. Perhaps a light-hearted talk today if I can get him to go to dinner with me, away from the kiddos. Thanks again.

[verycrazy]

Hi, BethJ,
I read your post, I sometimes write long ones, too. You said outside of the Bible, you had a book that really helped you alot. What was it? I read the Bible and a book called Love Life for Every Married Couple. It is Biblically based and has a section called How to Save Your Marriage Alone, which is very helpful for my sanity.
My H, too, still goes to church with us every week, and although he hears what is said every week, he still has a hardened heart. It seems like he never will obey the Word, I hope that is not the case.
I am trying all I know how to keep us together, no nagging, giving the affection he said was lacking, never arguing about petty things, giving in to him when a decision needs to be made, anything I can think of to make him see that I have changed, and will not go back to the old ways of behaving. He is having an EA, he says they are not having sex, but who knows? He has gotten very good at lying. He also says he has ended it, but he said that before, and was not being truthful. I see how an addiction to gambling is another outside enemy to overcome, and wish I knew of some way to help you, but other that shutting off the internet or getting him counseling, I can't think of what would help. Any addiction that takes a H's attention away from you and family, whether it be ow, porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling are something he would have to want to stop. Maybe you can find someone who first hand knows how hard it is to stop gambling, who could help him. Good Luck. L

[BethJ]

verycrazy,

Thanks for the reply. I am hoping someone who has experienced a spouse with a gambling addiction will respond. I am not sure there is anything I can do to help him besides pray, because, as you said, unless he wants to stop, it may be useless. The book Created to be His Helpmeet I was referring to is by Debi Pearl and it is called Created to be His Helpmeet. Many are offended by it, and some parts were hard for me to swallow but I have come to believe she is right on. You can find it on the Pearls' website at NoGreaterJoy.org, I believe. Thanks again and I will check in on your sitch.

[verycrazy]

I went to the website, and I thought it was a good place to get some advice. I, too, believe it is right on. I have no problem with the way they say women are supposed to behave, our church teaches some things from the Bible that some people find hard to understand, like women can't lead the men in worship or prayer. I am trying to be that kind of wife, and my H is finding it very hard to believe the changes in me are real. He thinks I'll go back to the way I was, and says he can't believe I have kept it up for over three months. I told him this morning the changes are from the heart and they are here to stay and I was working on the rest tof me, too. Honestly, other than keeping it up, I don't know how to show him this. Thanks for the info about the site. I hope you can find some way to help your H with his gambling, surely there is a place to get you help so you can help him. L

[BethJ]

Thanks vc. I have started researching gambling addictions and there is a lot of useful information out there. But it really comes down to my H not thinking there is a problem. He is working afternoons so this morning when he got home from work (4 a.m.) he immediately went to play poker. He was still at it at 8 and then went golfing with the guys from work (they have off today for voting!).

I am suffering with all kinds of doubts as I checked his cell and he called OW on his way home from work in the middle of the night. He tried to be reassuring and claimed she had text paged him and he called her back to say not to do that anymore. Sure!! He is loving and attentive, which he was NOT when the affair was in full swing. He tells me he loves me, and has chosen ME, but it doesn't help that I know his heart still pines for her.

This poker addiction is threatening to kill our marriage almost worse than the affair did. He rarely has energy or inclination for and I am feeling rejected. I told him I am almost ready for an affair myself, and I keep dreaming about them. I know this is the enemy of my soul trying to tempt me. Temptaion is very strong! I understand how my H got involved in adultery. It would feel great right now if somebody was gaga over me.

Alas, I will put on praise music and go iron for my wayward husband. I really want to do something drastic right now, like LEAVE WITH ALL THE KIDS! If my family didn't think everything was much better between us, I would. I just don't want them to think badly of H again, because deep down in my heart I know this can work out and I want his relationship with them to be a good one, like it used to be. THERE IS NO ONE I CAN TALK TO WHO KNOWS THE TRUTH AND I AM GOING CRAZY! Why do I want to protect him so bad? Even my friends think things are better. I have not told them this, I just stopped talking about a year ago.

Sorry to rant. I feel better. I do love him - I just need to figure out why.

[BethJ]

We went out to dinner the other night. He started talking about poker and my eyes began to glaze over. I tried to be interested but just couldn't. Then he said he was going to give it up for one week, because it is harmful. This is the first admission of any kind he has ever made. I found myself being cautiously hopeful. Of course, it didn't last long. He just went to bed at 6 a.m. from being up playing. Said to wake him up in 3 hours. Here we go again. I can barely speak to him for fear of lashing out. He knows I'm upset and why without me saying a word. I guess this is my life.

[cat03]

about telling family, I personally think it is better not so say much to them, my family only know "we were havign problems". Sadly, because our families care so much for us they interfere and gives us wrong council, only people who've been in our very shoes could ever understand what is to go through this, anyone else will just tell you to pack and leave.

I'm so sorry to hear that he's got that obsecion w/gambling, could you perhaps try to compromise w/him so he can play x amount of hrs?

When he said he'd give it up for one week did he have some other thing to do? something else to occupy his mind? can you perhaps join some club or activity in the evenings so he can have something else to focus on?

[BethJ]

I occasionally try to get him to just play for a certain period, then we do something else. He is able to stop if we HAVE to be somewhere, he just usually makes us late. The thing that is troubling to me (one of the things) is how he is demonstrating to our kids that he is not a man of his word. They already don't trust that he will do what he says he will do. My H knows that morally I think gambling is wrong, but I told him that doesn't even bother me, as that's his business. What bothers me is how it affects his relationship with us. I guess it's just time to tell him that again. That ought to make things pleasant for a day (yes, that's sarcasm you hear). He just left (late) on a field trip with the three older kids. I need to coiunt my blessings. This is MUCH better for the kids than to be without their dad. I just want my old H back!