What to expect...part two (OT, Betsey , need ya)

[believing_isaiah43]

A-f*ing-men, Mama:

It seems so unfair that I have to work so hard to "win" back my H's love when he was the one that betrayed me. I guess I am having a hard time letting go of that betrayal. In a perfect world he would be the one trying to win back MY love.

Perhaps this is why I'm dropping the ball on Piecing. I was so much more together and focused on the 'goal' during the A, of saving my M. In the dead-middle of the crisis, I can rise to the occasion. With years and years of mediocrity and disappointment looming in the future, I am now ready to leave. Nobody wins really. (Except maybe GH - I've quit reading his thread b/c it's become painful to me)

I think I only changed so much, and then I just stopped. "i refuse to move any more until you come over here"-kind of mentality. He feels only conditionally accepted by me, so he's quit moving toward me as well. And here we sit. As miserable as I have ever been as an adult. The worst year of my life - you all can relate.

Anyway, I have no words of wisdom, just sitting on your curb sympathizing.

[Mamabear]

WAS have affairs because they think they know the future, think the M is over, and think you're the problem. Now, we may be part of the problem in our M's...in fact, we almost always are...but THEY are the problem in THEIR lives, and the more they go off and try to solve the problem just by either distancing themselves from us or finding the "magic person" who's going to make it all better, the worse they get.

All of a sudden, those great feelings in the beginning are doused by the cold water of reality from dealing with OP's who have some serious problems of their own.

TL, it's funny you should say that. From what I know OW has loads of problems, supposedly that is why H talks to her, to help her with her problems (Remember, he has never admitted to anything more than that).

Anyhow, he probably did get that dose of reality after the infatuation wore off and decided that I wasn't as bad as he "imagined" I was.

Yesterday he was home from work early again which leads me to believe this is his normal time since his paycheck never changed, therefore he must have been spending quite a bit of time with OW this past year . We went to our S5 preschool Thanksgiving play - very cute. Then later in the evening we took the kids out for pizza and had a really nice time talking. (No kiss goodnight, barely a hug) This morning he was about to leave for work then backtracked into the bedroom to give me a hug, he turns his face away so I am forced to kiss his cheek.

I am so frustrated. It all feels so forced like he is hugging me out of obligation, like I'm his mom or his dog.

Should I plan something crazy for this evening? Put on music in the bedroom, light candles, rose petals on the bed and get all sexed up for him. I'll have to find something for the kids to do to keep them distracted.

Any thoughts on this approach?

[brandnewday]

Whatever would be a 180 for you..try it!!

My H told me that he was afraid I would reject him.....

He was the one carrying around the guilt and the shame.

I made it my job to keep reaffirming him and boost his ego in many ways.

I have made a point to do the things he likes and make him feel good about himself.

I have made an effort to wear things that turn him on, and actually make an effort to try something new.

Maybe this is TMI but there were things he asked me to do during the marriage before MLC that I turned my nose up at.

Simple things and now looking back I feel like an idiot because these things could have made such a difference.

I now see how important it is to make a man feel like a man in the bedroom.

[Mamabear]

The latest update...

H was home by noon today. He is really doing everything that would lead me to believe that the A is over except...

the affection part. Am I asking for too much too soon?

We hung out the whole day and evening then he got tired and went up to bed. I went up after him to tuck in D9 and her sleepover friend then went into our room and gave him a hug goodnight (he said he couldn't kiss me cause he had vasaline on his lips).

WTH? I am starting to feel like a guy now (please take no offense), but if I don't get any action soon I am tempted to become a WAW.

Here is my dilema, we have 3 kids 11, 9 & 5; at least 2 of the 3 stay up later than H. I am sure there are others out there that have kids - how to you find/make time for eachother? I'm sick of primping and shaving my legs and doing the makeup, nice underwear thing only to be rejected day after day, night after night. Please somebody give me some direction

[cat03]

I am starting to feel like a guy now

well, that makes 2 of us, I just want to ML w/ him every night/morn he's home, and I actually hear from him the dreaded "i'm too tired" quite a bit of times.

At the danger of repeating myself, here we go. I have 2 kids, 3.5 and 8, bedtime is 9 and no matter how much they beg they can never sleep in my bed for the night, once in a blue moon the little one comes over, but that's if she's sick. The 8yr old does want to stay up, and I know the little monkey is playing 'til way past his bed time, but the rule is :lights off, door closed. I can hear him making airplane noises up to 11pm, but as my friend says "I dont' care if they are bowling in their room, as long as they stay there".
I too used to let the kids stay up 'til 11, I work ft and missed them, but no more late nights, plus, with school, kids can't be up after 9 (I know lots of parents w/kids going to bed at 8!)

If your H goes to bed early, sometimes go to him after the kids are asleep, it used to work w/my H pre-bomb, he'd sleep early to get some rest so when I was free I'd show up in a nighty.

I know your 5yr old ends up in bed everytime, and that they pounded the door to come in when you got a lock, that has got to stop. My 3yr old knows I don't allow her to run around after I tuck her in, make your intentions clear and scort the 5yr old back to his room if he comes at midnight or before 8am, do it 'til the cows come home and he gets it that now mommy has to rest and he needs to say in his room.

I so hear you abour the WAS being the ones we want to woe us back, but the vicious circle has to be broken somewhere, back in the pre-bomb era my H was the one coming after me and I was the one rejecting him. No more, I will be there for him, i wish for more affection but will be happy for what he can give me now, as he told me long long ago, the only thing he had to go by was the way I was, so this process of them warming up to us is a slow painful road.

Hang in there toots)))))))))))))))))

[Mamabear]

Weekend update...

Had another great day yesterday. Made a nice big sunday breakfast for the family. H and I spent the afternoon watching the Bears game. After the game we made cookies with the kids and listened to music and just hung out with eachother the rest of the evening.

Sorry to report, no action

Cat, I think the most important thing I need to work on right now is the setting consistant bedtimes for the kids as well as teaching our S5 to sleep in his room. Once that obstacle has been solved I think our sex life will improve dramatically. That will be my focus for the week!

[cat03]

stay strong girl, specially w/the 5yr old, now is the time to show him who's boss, in a loving way I mean, if they dont' respect you by 5 it is much tougher later on.
My son has gotten so good that he even hurries me if we are out around 9 and tells me it's almost bed time. Do you read to them? my 3yr old looks forward to her bed time story.
Of course for a while there will be lots of whining about set bedtimes, but don't budge! of course on weekends we let them stay up an extra half hr or maybe an extra hr, but that's it.

To signal my little d3 it's bed time I'd turn off all the hall lights/lamps in the living room & kitchen and she'd had no choice but to go to the bathroom for teeth brushing, then her room. I'd close my bedroom floor and went into the kids' bedroom and spent 10min there reading and tucking them in.

You can do it!

[grasshopper]

Mama, so sorry things are not going your way so far. I really think they will but you will probably have to have a "watershed" moment before that, maybe a full confession, etc.

Oh, and before I go on, BI, I hate to hear that you are in so much pain, and that my thread causes you more. I know why you say what you do but it still sucks. Please take care...

Ok, back to mama.

As for the kids thing, well, I guess it would be hard with the split schedule and all. As for the bedtime, I am one of those annoying people who's kids go to bed BY 8 and they ONLY sleep in our bed if they're VERY sick. I guess from birth we made the decision to make bedtime and the routine a priority because we like our nights free...well...free for an affair I guess (ouch). Anyway, we suffer in other ways like our kids almost never would sleep in a car, stroller or anywhere that wasn't their beds without a fight but when we are at home, both S6 and S3 know bedtime is the same time every night (maybe an exception on the weekends) without fail. Again, it does cause other problems, like not being able to do much in the afternoon/evening on school nights, etc, but again, we both really value the time we have at night.

I know that might not help, and obviously it didn't help us much (what with the almost divorce and all) but if you have the time and use it right, I now KNOW it can help.

In your sitch, I can't help but feel the same as you do, frustrated that he isn't more part of the process but it's par for this kind of course.

You have ridden this out for so long, with a tremendous spirit, I think you can do it for a bit longer.

I do agree that you may want to ramp the 180's up a bit and really, other than taking a lover, make them stick as things YOU want to do to improve your life with or without him.

I also second the question about HOW you talk to him about ML. Do you get explicit? Does he like that? I used to be SHY AS HELL about that kind of thing because I thought my W just wanted me to talk because she thought I wanted to. I never knew how dirty she could be (and I like it) and when she opened up to me, I found a voice in me that really gets her going. Maybe your H needs proof positive that you are a sexual being with or without his approval, validation or reflection. You don't NEED him to feel sexy and you know what you want and want to get it from him...for now.

Eventually he will need to step up. What you are trying to figure out is A) Does he WANT to do that, and B) If so, what will it take to make him take the leap?

I don't have the answer to either of those questions but I am pretty sure that they can both be answered simply by you moving forward with this new life you're building around your new-found sense of self (damn, that sounded psychobabbel-ish).

From where I sit, and having gone through a LONG period of wondering if my W wanted me at all (even her telling me she didn't), I can say is sucks to think your H just doesn't want you. Sadly, maybe he doesn't but more likely he does but there is still some barrier preventing him from just doing what he wants to do.

Find that barrier, chip away at in and someday you may chip away a hole big enough for him to stick his...er...well, you know... anyway, lets just say maybe you'll get that action you need.

GH

[Mamabear]

Cat and GH,
Thanks so much for the input and advice. Will keep you posted on how it works out.

From where I sit, and having gone through a LONG period of wondering if my W wanted me at all (even her telling me she didn't), I can say is sucks to think your H just doesn't want you. Sadly, maybe he doesn't but more likely he does but there is still some barrier preventing him from just doing what he wants to do.

While my H was involved with OW he flat out told me that he wasn't attracted to me. That hurt alot and I cannot forget that he said it, even if he no longer feels that way or doesn't even remember saying it, that seems like a huge barrier for me.

Talking dirty...that is just not something we do/did. I am uncomfortable taling about sex at all. We are both kind of shy about it.

Maybe he is truly happy just being friends and anything else turns him off. If that is the case I'm afraid we are both headed for a very unfulfilling life; one of which I really have no interest in having.

[BethJ]

I understand the feelings of rejection. Pre-bomb I NEVER initiated or even let on that I was interested. However, I think you MUST overcome your fear of rejection and, sorry to be graphic, but just hop on him while he is sleeping. DO SOMETHING! I have reverse-spooned my H with success where I take his hand and put it on my breast - he always wakes up within a few minutes and is good to go. I will take my own advice and try something tonight as I, too, am getting frustrated with him not seeming to want me. Sometimes there is really something else that keeps him so preoccupied, that sex is the last thing he thinks of (hard to believe, I know). In my case, he eats, sleeps and breathes poker. It's killing me. I wish us both luck tonight!