There's a certain role that I used to play in my old life. One in which I was always there for people and would go unappreciated, unnoticed etc. So, first I didn't want to be a doormat to ex anymore and then it was the family an now the mutual friends.
Part of the break down of my old R was not just between the ex and I but because of the whole system and the role in which I was cast in it.
I'm attempting to Dbust all of these mutual friends now. It's very difficult.
THe only reason I am bothering is because they are calling me. I wish I cuold do this without a fight. Inevitablly when I stand up for myself they get angry.
It's so draining. I shouldn't even have to stand up for myself in the first place. They should just treat me respectfully.
I don't know why they are even calling.
Instead of getting angry each time this happens I tell myself. God is having that happen so that you can stand up for yourself one again. I guess God wants me to learn to love myself and honor myself.
It's amazing how my perception changes on things. When I first moved back here I thought wow, they've been together for 2 months as though that is so long and now that I'm dating myself I realize how not long that is. Ironically, the longer they stay together the less likely it is to be good and solid, and teh more likely the ow will start having some compassion for me.
Had a conversation with ex on Sunday night. We talked for awhile on the balcony. then he invited me in. He got me a drink. He was fishing around to find out about these guys I'm seeing and how I feel about them.
He doesn't want to fight with me He wants me in his life(supposedly)
The alien was almost completely gone. He can't remember any of this mean stuff he said or did. But gets angry if I bring it up, so I tried not to. Some of it came up in answering some of his questions.
His place was a wreck. He's also gained 20pounds. That's not a big deal. All the things I left behind, photos on the walls etc. were still there.
He was checking me out.
He seemed really happy to speak with me.
We were talking about things and he said, why do you have to go so deep, you have to ease into it.
This is different than not wanting to speak about deep things at all.
I listened to what he said, and brought the conversation back up to light.
I had a date last night so I had to go. New guy.
So, 1. he doesn't want to fight 2.He can't handle too much deep talk 3. He doesn't remember even saying I'm boring though he said it at least 100 times and it was one of the less cruel things he said. 4. He said that he thought we were going to get married and have kids too, that he wasn't leading me on, he really thought we were going to also. 5. and most important. I actually saw empathy in his eyes. whow. Guess he's not an NPD.
WEll, now at least I can have some closure!
Date last night? Started out fun, then turned into work. Have another date on Frid. with someone new though.
Had a pseudo date with someone else last night. It was definitly fun, but come on? Why do guys think I'm going to sleep with them on a first or even third date? Is this just how the world is today? THey seem so rejected and like they did something wrong. No, I just am not like that. Am I that much of a rarity?
How do I let a guy know that it's nothing personal that i'm not going to sleep with them. They really do seem to thinnk they did something wrong, when in actuality it was just never going to go there. Have other women spoiled them?
I really want to know how to handle this. 2 different times I tried just telling them as in, I'm not going to sleep with you tonight, so they don't think I'm leading them on. They acted so surprised that I would even mention it, then proceed to try to make it happen. How do I deal?
Maybe I should give up on the dating thing and just work on making friends. When do I get a reward for all my hard work? You know it really was hard to get out there and learn how to date etc. Especially when I didn't want to move forward and was still in love with my ex.
In addition I'm finding that I have had a longer and more significant (in living with each other) relationship than most of these guys who are even quite older.
The more that I find this out and the more these guys talk about these shorter relatinoships as so significant the more validated I feel as far as my ex, thinking after 6 months I should have been over it.
Went on a date with a new guy last night. Very respectful. Good guy.
It's so interesting how different all these men are. The way they treat me and the value they place on me. THe guy last night just thought I was nothing less than amazing and couldn't understand how I could be single, and then there's guys who on the date, they are checking their phone and text messaging to other people.
I'm starting to believe that I really do have a problem though.
How come I can't fall in love again?
I need to put the dating thing on the back burner and focus more on: joining a gym making more friends my career.
I really am amazed at how quickly ex moved forward compared to me. I guess he's just at a different point in his life though.
Womanizers...I don't get it. Dating so many different people really does get dull. (Even with all the good food and new restaurants!)
I'm thankful that I can get a date. I'm thankful that I can afford to date. I'm thankful that I am able to date all these different people to see that you really can be treated really well, or really poorly, it really has little to do with you, and lots to do with the other person. Ultimately, it's up to you to only spend time with the people that treat you really well.
Wow! And just a year ago I was a complete novice. I need to put these skills into practice with my career!
When do I get a reward for all my hard work? You know it really was hard to get out there and learn how to date etc. Especially when I didn't want to move forward and was still in love with my ex.