This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

I've been posting in the Newcomers Forum, but H has been home for two & a half weeks and is saying & doing all the "right" things, so I guess this lands me in the Piecing Forum? I hope so, anyway.

I still need a place to journal, though, because this reconciling thing is not the emotional triumph that I thought it would be. It's REALLY difficult, and I know it's my own attitude that's making it so difficult. Here's my story, if anyone wants to catch up . . . IHH Story

I've read the Tips for Newcomers to piecing and I knew that my resentment & anger would be an issue, but I guess I'm just a little surprised at how deep all these emotions run and how many different aspects of my life are impacted by what has happened.

I know I sound whiney, because I've read so many different stories here and I really should be grateful that things are going well with H; it's apparent that he wants to be with me, that he loves me, that he's (at least for now) committed to the marriage. He says ILY, we ML, and he is opening up to me in a way I never thought he could.

My mother even saw him yesterday and told me after he left that he had been bragging to her about me and that it's so obvious that he loves me. She said that he told her that I'm "so gorgeous and bubbly" and, instead of focusing on the wonderful compliment that is, I immediately said, "I guess that's good, as long as I stay gorgeous and bubbly. As soon as I get a wrinkle or have a bad day he'll decide he doesn't love me any more."

See what I mean about the attitude? I read other stories on the boards and I know so many people would give a limb to hear their husbands say something like that about them, and all I can think is ugly, ungrateful, negative thoughts.

Also, instead of being grateful for where we are in the relationship (and I really should be grateful, if only for the changes in myself -- I have finally become the kind of wife that I'm proud of, I'm more appreciative, more understanding, less judgmental, more complimentary), I'm comparing it to the marriage we had before and finding all the little things that he used to do that he's not doing any more. This is especially stupid when you consider that I NEVER appreciated those little things when he WAS doing them, so just where do I get off expecting him to start doing them again??

Also, I'm a little angry at myself. I have changed. Most of the changes are positive, but some of them break my heart. In order to get my own life and still have time to build the M, I'm neglecting my kids & my home. I have to keep going to the gym several times a week because that was one of the things my H was most proud of me for, so who's home to cook dinner & supervise homework? Nobody.

This was a huge issue in our M before, he got to go to the gym any time he wanted and I could only go once, maybe twice, a week because somebody had to take care of things at home. I resented him for it and he thought I was stupid for not just doing what I wanted to do. Now I'm doing that and my kids are paying the price. They are S15, D13, & S7, so they're old enough to be alone for a few hours a day. My two oldest are good at taking care of the youngest and making sure he eats & does his homework, but it's so extremely unfair to ask them to keep doing it!

I'm neglecting the housework and, if you read my Newcomers thread, you know that was a huge source of pride for me before he decided to bail. Now he's dropping little hints all the time about the cooking and cleaning, but he's sucking up every minute of my day so what EXACTLY does he expect from me?? I'm supposed to work full time, go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, spend quality time with him, cook, clean, be mommy, and still have a life of my own??? How???

I'm sorry, I know I need to be smacked around some. I got what I wanted and I'm still a miserable cow. I'm just not sure how to balance everything. I'm also kind of bummed about feeling like I have to cover my a$$ now. I'm going back to school in November and I'm already so overwhelmed by all I'm doing and all I'm not doing that I'm freaking out over how I'm going to add school into all of this without neglecting everyone even more. But I also feel like I HAVE to add school into the mix in order to prepare myself better for a future that may or may not include my husband.

Anyway, sorry this got so long and so negative, I just get in these funks and there is no way I can talk about these things with my husband because I've become so fearful of losing him that I don't even feel like I can trust him to know how I feel any more. I guess I need a reminder that reconciling is actually a good thing, cuz it's not feeling so good.

[toughlover]

Welcome. I know exactly what you mean about it not being what you expected. That's a tough adjustment to make.

See what I mean about the attitude?

Yes I do. Find myself doing something similar sometimes. That's just part of it, and you're not wrong for feeling that way, but it will help you tremendously to get to where you can just shove it aside like yesterday's newspaper. It will poison you if you don't.

I'm comparing it to the marriage we had before

That's another hard one to get past...cause that's all you know of each other. Good and bad. I got to where I really couldn't be enthused about being married to my W anymore because of who she had been. She of course wasn't at all thrilled with who I'd become either, with good reason.

There's not much to go back to with us. I can't respect or admire who and what she was. Ditto she with me. We have both recommitted ourselves to Christ and to each other and I see the kind of person she's becoming, and I think she's great. It gives me hope.

But as far as the old marriage, in our case it's dead. Maybe that's the best way to look at it, I don't know. Keeps us from looking back for too long. That's necessary for a little while, to understand and to grieve. Then you have to press onward and upward toward the husband and wife God calls y'all to be.

I've become so fearful of losing him

See, now that's a problem. You're in a tizzy over a bunch of stuff based around him being gone, which is fine if you're simply being pragmatic and GAL, detaching, etc. But you're not. You're focusing on the worst case scenario and I'm telling you, I've been there done that and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can't neglect the stuff that is important to you in order to simply please him and keep him around. You'll only end up hating yourself for it, and resenting him for it.

Y'all got to get to where you can talk this stuff out.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey IHH,

I GET IT!! Big time. I was so proud of how forgiving and patient I've become the past year, and yet, when I am with H sometimes I want to remind him of how much he hurt me, of all the aspects of it, the 24/7 of child care for over a year, dumped on me, and whatever other UNresolved issues I have.

He is saying the right things, but I get the feeling that he just wants us to move on now, and totally drop the past. Usually, I am okay with that except I really want to know I can trust H again. And for some reason, I guess I just want to know that H "gets" what happened...how crappy it was of him. I am NOT sure that is right and even if it is, I have no control over it.

How can I tell him, without sounding like a jerk, that he doesn't have anymore strikes with me? I mean, if he makes one more of his unilateral choices, I will walk away without looking back. That part is my detachment work and my GAL and I am sure of it. I won't go through this pain again at least not from the same guy. So I guess we have 2 issues: trust and then, plain old anger. I have to work on both...dang.

I thought this would be the easy part. Wrong again.
j-

[twist_of_fate]

Hey there, i see where you are coming from, same thing w/my H about working out, he'd go running whenever, I never had enough time between working ft, kids and housework and he always wanted me to loose weight.

If there is one thing that we should've learned from the hell we went through is that life is too short to be miserable. Not that I'm very succesful at having my H help much at home (well, he's only home 2 days because of training) I think you should talk with H about splitting chores/homework duty.

About working out, I go to the gym 2x a week during my lunch hr, and during the week, after both my kids go to bed I pop a dvd/video and do at least a 30min of taebo, dance aerobics, etc, at least 2x a week. In this way i still have time for the kids.

About household, well, I had to lower my standards too (it used to be a source of fighting w/my H big time). I now clean the bathrooms with all purpose sprays half the time, some days I split the bathroom cleaning in 2 days during the week, that way it doesn't take long.

I use disposable dishes; I'm a believer of home-cooked meals, but now and then (specially fridays) it's pizza night or hot dog, once during the weeked we go to McD and we have a frozen lunch the next day.
SIMPLIFY without dropping the ball, your kids can help too, specially the oldest ones, they should do either the dish washing or putting away laundry.
Take turns w/H to do homework duty.

finding all the little things that he used to do that he's not doing any more. This is especially stupid when you consider that I NEVER appreciated those little things when he WAS doing them,

Well, since you never let him know he might think you didnt' like them. You could say "I really liked it when you did so and so", gently and without prodding, I've learned that you give graciously when you give from your heart and not when someone is insisting that you do (im guilty of that)

I will finish with a little story that is just right for every woman to know:
There was this shopping center where you could get men, it had five levels, the catch was once you went onto the next level you couldnt' go the previous one.
So a woman goes to the first and the sign read "men who are attractive and is great in bed". "Hmm, that sounds great, but I wonder what's in the next level?" So she goes the 2nd and the sign reads "men are attractive, great in bed and can cook". "Wow!" she says "that's awesome, but I wonder what's on the third?" The 3rd had a sign of "attractive men, great in bed, can cook and are great listeners". "That's incredible!, but I wonder what's in the 4th?". So she goes to the forth and the sign reads "attractive men, great in bed, can cook, great listeners who'll massage your feet when you tired". The woman is just amazed, but, she can't help to wonder what's on the 5th. So up she goes and the 5th level is empty, except for the sign that reads "This just goes to show you that you can't never please a woman".

We always want more that our H is willing to give us now, In my case my H is so inmerse w/his new training there is very little time for me, I work FT, care of kids, cook clean and do everything else, when he is home we have 2 days together and most times he has assignments and little time 4me.
He's under great stress, still feeling low after all the mess that happened (separation, PA) and internally he's got issues, so I'm not first priority, not much validation, no ILY yet, he's still figuring himself/us out. So from time to time I get so needy and have a few temper tantrums, which just dont' help us but sets us back. We need to be greatfull for what they do give us and encourage, it is a work in progress, can't expect it all at once.

About the betrayal and resentment, that is a hard one but remember to not let the EA overshadow the real reasons you guys fell appart. Heaven knows it's been a huge stone on my path, I have to literally stop myself from thinking about all the stuff I found out about my H and the other.
I highly suggest you read "Healing the hurt in your marrieage" it is an awesome christian oriented book for people who are fighting to get over the hurt and resentment in an M.

It can be done, hang in there. Also, it's ok and totally normal to have a blue day, but remember, train your mind to focus on the positives, ok?

[InHisHands]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know this is normal, I just hope I can find some way to control my thoughts & feelings . . . that's NOT one of my strong points!

We did manage to talk about the gym thing and he suggested going later, after the kids are fed & the homework is done, or even alternating days so that one of us will be home with the kids. It was good, but apparently I was too far gone & ruined it anyway.

Toughlover, one of the worst things about this reconciliation is that God is not a part of it. I prayed every day for God to restore my husband to the safety of His fold (he had turned his back on the church shortly before the bomb), that he would create in us a marriage that honors and glorifies Him. I stayed faithful throughout the rollercoaster ride and I had hoped that my faith would be strong enough to lead my husband back to Christ, but it appears to be working the other way. I'm now in a spiritual crisis along with him. I keep remembering our wedding day, he sang a song to me about a marriage built on the Rock, we even read the Bible & prayed together on our honeymoon. Now I can't help thinking that it was all so meaningless.

Okay, so I tried everything to stop the negative thoughts yesterday. I did the Stop sign, the visualizing positives, everything I could think of, but I still had a melt-down and I had it in front of him. To top it off, he is sick right now. Great job, huh? He handled it well, I believe he's trying to work on his ability to let me open up to him which is ironic since I'm trying to work on NOT opening up to him too much. It's hard because I used to unload every thought, feeling, opinion -- whatever crossed my mind I would dump on him which left him feeling attacked, helpless, confused, etc. I know that was wrong and I'm trying to stop it . . . pick my battles & deal with my own feelings without making him responsible for them. I guess I'm just not sure now when I should open up and when I should shut up.

Anyway, so I dumped a lot of crap on him that he did NOT need to hear. Here's a summary (picture me with tears streaming down my face):

"I can't believe in anything any more."

"Everything I used to believe in was a lie."

"I was so busy looking for your approval and when I didn't get it, I turned ugly."

"I did everything I was supposed to do: I made my home & family the top priority. I was honest. I was faithful. I was devoted to you. I was miserable, too, but I stayed faithful and believed in our vows. I gave to the church. What did it get me? Everything I thought was good turned out to be bad. Everything I believed was right has proven to be wrong. I am lost now. I don't know right from wrong. Trying to be a good wife drove you away and now I don't know what to be."

Could I have been any more pathetic? Is there any way I could have caused any more damage?

He listened and didn't judge me, but he took it all on himself and made himself responsible for all of my doubts. Part of me believes that's true & I hate him for it, but the other part of me knows that this is MY problem, that I believed in a fairy tale and I needed a wake-up call to show me that fairy tales are not reality.

So, he asked me what he could do to make it better and I said, "Will you make love to me?" Pathetic enough, I know, but it gets better. I was in verbal vomit mode and I blurted out, "The only thing in my life that I love right now is being close to you."

He pointed out that that's not good because I had just finished telling him that I had lived for his approval before and this is just the same thing in different words. Ouch. He's right, I just didn't think he was that perceptive. So now I have added even more pressure to him.

He's already mentioned several times that the sex is great, but he's afraid he's too old & he can't keep up. Now I've added the pressure of sex with him being the "only thing in my life that I love."

Is there any way to undo the damage I did last night, or should I just put it behind me and hope for the best?

[toughlover]

Toughlover, one of the worst things about this reconciliation is that God is not a part of it.

I know how you must feel but that just isn't true. God hates divorce. Marriage is truly something designed by God. God is there. Part of the problem may be that you're so focused on yourself and your own pain you can't see beyond it. That's okay. Even Jesus felt forsaken by God on the cross. But the issue here isn't getting God involved; he already is. The issue is getting yourself in line with Him. And you know how to do that.

I had hoped that my faith would be strong enough to lead my husband back to Christ, but it appears to be working the other way.

It can appear all kinds of ways. Solomon, I think, prayed to God and God didn't answer him for 13 years. Just because it isn't happening in the time frame YOU want doesn't mean it isn't happening. Sounds like you're still doing things because you want him back. Understandable. You need to detach...and that's perfectly consistent with focusing on your relationship with God.

A big mistake Christian spouses make is allowing themselves to expect their husband or wife to meet spiritual needs that can only be met by God. Think about it. If you need your relationship with your husband to hold you together, something's out of whack. I know cause I did the exact same thing with my W.

You have to grow in your walk with God and get strong. Then you will be able to love your H out of that strength. That will be a light that will help him see where you are and find his way back to you if he chooses to do that.

If not, you will be okay because you will be stronger. Remember, God designed, created, blesses, and strengthens marriage, but your H has free will and is free to reject what's right, reject God, and even reject you. Love is a choice as you know.

Is there any way to undo the damage I did last night,

Listen you're both dealing with enough damage in the marriage that whatever happened last night won't make or break anything. Just don't do it anymore.

or should I just put it behind me

Do that too.

and hope for the best?

Don't hope for the best. BE the best you can be by following Christ and put your hope in that. As Paul points out in Romans (and someone around here (maybe AmyC?) has it in their sig: suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope.

And that includes all the DB stuff about 180s, GAL, PMA, etc.

You sound like a very sweet and loving person. Detach, get independent and strong by relying on God and doing the stuff you know you need to do. That's your best shot, I think, at your husband being able to see you clearly and see what he'd truly be giving up.

Quit pressuring him. That never works.

[InHisHands]

That's great advice, every word of it.

Starting NOW, I am going to devote myself to what I know is right. Starting NOW, I am going to BE and DO what God would have me be and do, not what my husband would have. If he is unhappy with the person that God would have me be, then he is free to choose another path and God will be sufficient for me.

Starting NOW!! Thank you!

[twist_of_fate]

If you need your relationship with your husband to hold you together, something's out of whack.

tlover, boy this phrase is a cold bucket of water on my face, I needed it

InHisHands, NOTHING you can do will make your H go back to God, I'm on teh same boat, my H also was a very conservative christian & we married putting the Lord first, now he doesn't even go to church...yet.
Only God can open that door, not even yourself can assure your own salvation, it's a gift from God, a gift he must be willing to receive, so don't put that burden on you.

What I do pray for and what you can do is pray for YOURself to be a silent testimony to him with actions, not words. Let's be a living testimony for His glory in a way that we are mirrors of Him, have you read "the power of a praying wife"? it's all about women praying for their Hs, not preying nor nagging them into doing stuff.

I totally hear you, I just came fresh from a "you dont' care, tell me I'm sexy" tantrum, I understand. Just imagine, each time you corner your H you push the healthy R farther back a few miles, the healing a few more months.

About him telling you he feels old and tired, that's the SAME thing my H told me!! you know what? I think our insistence makes them feel that way, our pressure. I bet if we were to let go and make them feel we are their safe place to land they wouldnt feel this way.

We all come with all sorts of idealistics ideas to an M, I think that's what killing you, the dissapointment of how it turned out, we all have this fantasy idea of M and now when our "ideal" has evaporated we complain and whine. Well, that isn't going to get us anywhere.

What's done is done, we are beginning a new R, stop living in the past, remember your wedding day for what it was, a wonderful day, it wasnt' a lie, you were beginning a new life together with a clean sheet. Begin a new clean sheet now.

Again, please get "healing the hurt in your marriage" I was up the part of "Reconstructing the trust" It compared it to Nehemiah rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem, how many setbacks he had, how the people got discouraged because the place was in shambles and their faith wavered, how they feared attacks from their enemies all the time. They didnt' run, they worked with one hand on their work and another holding a spear, they had to be prepared for attacks, and that's how it is now, the enemy wants you and I to fail, but remember that verse that says that if you get closer to God the enemy will run away from you?

Stop pushing your H, he feels low enough. You can't take back what you say, buy you can show him acceptance everyday, by not putting any more pressure on him and by taking one step at a time you can go back to building your M again.

[InHisHands]

Thanks twist_of_fate. More great advice. I will get the book this weekend. In the meantime, I'm trying to work on some self-esteem issues that I think are at the root of all of this. I think I'm going to find an IC for me, I feel entirely out of control most of the time.

H just called and we were talking about my son and somehow the conversation turned to S acting tough out of fear. I said, "I think he's going to be like his mama and have to hit rock bottom ten or twenty times before he sees that HE's the problem." H said I'm too hard on myself. I told him I know and I'm changing that starting NOW (because this morning I realized that beating myself up for past mistakes always causes me to repeat them).

He said, "Just make sure you do it for the right reasons, for yourself, not for anyone else." Now, the out-of-control, overly-analytical part of me is telling myself that he's trying to tell me not to count on him. When I take, "don't change for anyone else" and add that to the comment last night about not relying on him for approval, to me it sounds like "Don't change for me cause I'm not planning on sticking around."

Do you see how psycho I've become? What he's saying is the right thing, it's the healthy thing, it's the best advice he could possibly give me . . . but it's not like him to be right and healthy and emotionally mature. It's like our roles are reversed and he's the clear-headed one now and I'm the psycho-freak. He's looking out for my well-being and I'm even finding hidden threats in that.

Don't worry, though. I'm not feeling as unstable today as I was yesterday, so I'm not going to ask him about what he meant. I'm going to choose to believe that he meant to help me grow into the person I'm trying to become for me. I'm going to choose to believe that he wants the REAL me, not the me that morphs into what other people want me to be. I'm going to choose to believe that he is speaking out of love for me.

[twist_of_fate]

I think a C is a great idea, dont postpone it though, find someone today, it will do you a world of good. Hang in there.