Sorry, but I have to interject here...there's a big pattern that most of you (us) fall into:
1. You cannot leave the S alone 2. You constantly want to connect with S 3. You constantly get depressed, cry, do silly things 4. Focus always on the S, or OP 5. You snoop 6. You don't try to help yourselves with Michele's tools like DB or DR 7. You all say that you know what to do or not do, but continue along the same paths 8. Hello! - The WAS gave us the signals way before they went to the OP - we ignored it 9. You (us) want instant results of change in the sitches 10. Unless WE CHANGE - there will be no change
Consider an obese person, not withstanding any medical problems, it took a long time for them to become obese. Well, think about it, it's going to take a long time to correct the issues. Not over night, not next weekend, etc. It's a process over time... The OP is not the issue, we all know that, it is or was us. We did not concern ourselves with our S's. Day to day life erroded our R; children, work, finances, illness, etc. all or some help create this problem. Now, it's time to work on you (us) and get back to being the people we were when we first got married. That caring independent, loving, fun, considerate person we are. It amazes me how many people post how the OM/OW is to blame and the profanity used in regards to them. Guess what? Your S's married you, what makes you think that the OP is not like you as well? Come on people, we caused the discontent in the marriages, with the help of our S's, that made the OP more viable to be around. Now, we need to go back to being that person.
Does it hurt? You bet. Will I feel any better? Probably not for a while. But, if you change yourself, the S will notice, just as Michele said. If they don't, then wish them well and move on.
Too many of you are dancing so fast around your S you are getting dizzy. Stop it. Little by little, the S will notice changes, that are consistent within you. They will notice more and more...but there is no other way to do this. Nothing else works. They have to come back b/c they choose to, not b/c of threats, begging, pleading, crying or anyother reason.
This is just my 2 cents, guys. Sorry I ranted on and on, but it is so sad to see some people not trying. Some try but backslide, that will happen, as long as you correct it the next time and learn from it.
For you men, don't let your W see you cry, beg, plead, etc. It only shows you to be weak and less of a man. It only makes the OM more powerful; we know you're upset. Bear this out..it can change. No woman wants a wuss for a husband. Show that you are confident, strong and that this doesn't even bother you (although it does). Act as if, she stays or she goes, you'll still survive.
All of us survived long before we met our S's. All of us were completely whole before we got married...if it should not work out, and you really tried hard, as in doing it Michele's way...then you are still a whole person - life will go on...
I have followed you around these threads b/c of the insight you have towards WAW's. I am guilty of all of the above and have been trying to correct it one day at a time since Tuesday. Please stay on this board and keep posting. You are a great help to me. If you would be so inclined, you can view my thread here. Thank you!!!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Hey Number lady, you've got your own thread now,eh? Good to see, now all us guys can stop begging you to check out our threads and come directly to the source The thing that stands out for me in what you've said is the inability of the LBS to STOP the emotional upheaval. It's kind of like a sewer backup! We end up spewing all that yukky guk right back into our R, what remains of it. You are right, the S does not want to see pleading, crying, etc. They do not come back because they feel sorry for us and if they do it can only be with huge resentment. Our S's know we love them...so that's that. We know how they feel about the R...and that's that. GH once wrote that we have to realize that our R is dead, it was diseased and died...it's gone. We can either choose to build a new one or move on. Building a new one starts by showing our S's the stuff that they will want to come back to, and not just for them, for us. This tragic episode in my life has introduced me to more amazing things about myself than I ever imagined before this. If I fail in my attempts to revive my M, I will be a far better man than I was before (and I wasn't too damn bad before, just complacent). If we can all just get a handle on the anger and hurt, feel them and move on, our DBing will begin to work its magic. Only then does it stand a chance. My W did what she did because she was not happy and felt she could not be with me. Right or wrong, what is is! I have to live with what is and not cry over what was. P.S. I did do the crying thing early on, don't bother guys!
Good for you! You sound like you're really getting this down...now apply this knowledge into action. Yes, it very well seems like a death; but you need to go back and recall all the happier times that you both had. From there, recall what made her happy, thrilled, excited etc.
Sometimes, when families focus 95% of the time on their children, they forget that the S came first. Each day there s/b time for each other; but atlast, the kids cry, work calls, the a/c went out, etc. and then we go to bed and do it again the next day. The H feels neglected, the W overwhelmed, the kids need 100% of the attention...and the pile begins to smoulder, then catch on fire. Some marriages continue on the course until they die, very unhappy. Others, one S or another leaves signals.
Yes, marriage is a commitment, be it legal and/or spiritual. But no where, it is written, that it's guaranteed for life. Who knows, maybe in the next 100 years, man won't even continue with M.
What I am saying, is to protect what you have...nurture it to the best of your ability. We marry, then assume it's forever...let our guard down...become "just friends" and wonder what happened? In marriage, there are three componets:
1. You 2. Spouse 3. The couple
You both entered into the M as two people, then became one, then, the dynamics of friends changed, some left, new ones came, or you both excluded most of them. Each S should retain a separate life with their own interests, etc. Then, there's the couple thing.
Love is not a posession, it's not controlling. No where, does it say your S s/b exactly like you, or agree with everything you say or do...they are as individualistic as you - the common part is the love and respect.
If one S wants to go somewhere and you don't, you have two choices; go out of respect for S interest, or don't go and happily wish them a good time...
Life was never that hard...we let go...we ignore each other...now we are paying for it in return...........
Whatisis, apply that knowledge that you have now, let me know how you are doing? Gods speed my friend...
Yup, you hit the nail on the head there, Number lady! Guess what, I've found myself a real authentic DBer to follow, my D9! My W and I joke about how she is the happiest kid in the world and I don't think we're far off. This kid can take anything and turn it around to make something good out of it. I've been watching her lately. Just today W and oldest D were going shopping for clothes etc AND Halloween stuff. D9 was very unhappy as she is a competitive athlete and trains 12 hours per week, today is training day. After pouting for a few minutes she approached my W and asked her to only buy a couple of Halloween things and wait do the rest another time. She then hopped into the kitchen and asked to help cook (she loves cooking) and was back to her old self.This kid took action and then let it go. She was still missing the good time but she turned it around for herself. In the car she was counting For Sale signs on the way to the gym, "I counted 5 yesterday, I'm gonna try and find 7 today", no boring car ride for her! She sets goals for herself. The other night she was so excited because she had finished a book quickly. We all told her that was great and then she disappeared. I found her upstairs making an award ribbon for herself to put on her door, it said "Championship Reader". She validates herself, doesn't rely on everyone else to make her feel good. She celebrates her successes. Last week she did a class presentation, got a C plus on the project and a A plus on the presentation. She got marked down for a small thing in the project. Older sister said "That's ridiculous for such a small thing", D9 replied "That's OK, when I add them together it's a B plus and I'm happy with that" and off she went. She worked long and hard on that project and when it didn't get the mark she wanted she looked for the bright spot. She didn't cry, pout and scream about how unfair it was. This kid is a DB star. We can all learn from her. Look at your kids folks, they can teach you a thing or two about dealing with the unfairness of life. Who says the older you get, the smarter you get. She focuses on what's there, not what's missing. So my new strategy is to always think "what would my D do?" P.S. Sorry Number lady, I think I might have hi-jacked your thread. I meant well!
What a beautiful realization you have. I am very pleased to hear this. No, silly, you didn't hi-jack my post at all - people need to hear these things...
BUT...take it one step further...where did she learn this from? Why yes, of course, you and your W. All children come into the world with a clean slate...they formulate their personalities and traits through the parents.
Thus, she learned it from both of you...now, return to that person you were, back then...learn from her now... emulate your D9. If you can keep that learning consistent, then I would say your W will follow, in due time.
I'm very happy you posted this revelation...you're using your head...not emotions.
You are changing little by little...this very well could be your "break through"!!! Go with it...
The wonderful thing about D9 is that she feels something and then lets it go. She doesn't seem to have that adult need to dwell endlessly on whatever it is. It it's unpleasant, she feels the pain, takes action and moves on. There's always something new and exciting to experience in her little world, no time for pouting! Where did we as adults learn this endless worry stuff from? Dwell on and on knowing it doesn't help! She is right, there is so much to be joyful about in our lives, why waste it on worrying about stuff that we have little control over. My D makes a plan, goes with it and moves on. I think my W and I did something right! Both my D's make us very proud. I think I'll start my list of blessings right now.
Your daughter, btw, sounds lovely. Children are always so innocent...
As the knowledge grows, so does deceit, anger, sarcastic behavior, meaness, b/c we saw others doing it and saw how those emotions could get us temporary highs.
