Did I totally hose it up?

[Turn]

Ok, I had been doing pretty good with the DB...until I ran into a friend of his and he told me he was talking about coming home AND he was having a sexual affair with the woman I kicked him out over. He has never admitted that it's ever been more than friendship...he says that have not had sex...but regardless, it is EMOTIONAL...so, he's been out for 9 months. We were getting along, talking, he'd come over the house and all until his friend told me about the sexual part. I didn't scream at him or anything...just tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't. I finally went up to the building where this woman works and confronted her. She says that they are nothing more than friends. She's been married for 30 years and her marriage is not too good. I didn't hit her, just told her that I loved my husband and called her a few choice words. It was in front of 1 person (friend of my husband and I). Told her I knew all about how she picks him up at the house and they go and "talk" I accused her of screwing my husband and asked her to leave him alone until they both figure out what they want in their own marriage. I then called my husband and told him I went and spoke with her. He said they are JUST FRIENDS. He said I can believe whatever I want and he said again that he has asked me for patience and time...but I told him that I needed to know if they were having sex and if he wanted to be with me. I asked him to tell me if they were having sex so I could let him go. Ok, I begged him to tell me. I told him that since I am a new Christian, the only way I can divorce him is if he is having a sexual affair (never been violent with me). I can't stand this any longer. It's bee 9 months and he tells people he is thinking of coming home, but he doesn't tell me. He says he is scared things will go back to the way they were before I kicked him out...anyways, I wrote him a letter and told him he has to chose either me or his FRIEND. Told him that he needs to leave me alone if he is still with her. Burned him a CD with all the songs that remind me of him and mailed the letter and CD. Told him that I want to try, but we both need counseling, he needs to get her out of the picture completely, and it would be a long road, but I want to try. I have changed. In the past I would have kicked that woman's ass...but I didn't. Church helps me. Again, I was doing good until I started hearing all this crap....OPINIONS.....WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW! I truly don't know how much longer I can wait...it's eating me up inside!

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Turn~

I'm fairly new at this and I can't get the DB thing completely down due to my anger. If I've learned one thing here it is that you need to SLOW DOWN.

What is it about today that a decision has to be made? If you have been Db'ing for 9 months then you know that it is all about time, time and patience.

I'm sure a more knowledgeable person will be along soon to help you more.

[toughlover]

he tells people he is thinking of coming home, but he doesn't tell me. He says he is scared things will go back to the way they were before I kicked him out...

Before I say this, please understand that I think your H is 100% wrong to be doing what he's doing. Everything you feel is 100% normal.

Now, I don't know how they were before, but it sounds like from his perspective he's got a reason to be concerned. Between the confrontations and the other emotional stuff you're dishing out, do you really think that's something he would want MORE of? In his mind, he'd just be coming home to boatloads of punishment.

Is there any way you can show him what kind of marriage he COULD to come home to, without feeling like you were excusing what he's done?

I guess what I mean is, my W was unfaithful, and she did choose to commit to the marriage based on her recommitment to Christ alone, but what made her decide to do that was that she saw it was possible to have the kind of marriage she wanted without me putting her through the ringer over it. In other words, I had to show her that I could get over it if she were willing to do what's right as well.

[12102006]

Turn;

Wow...you did everything that you should not have done.
The purpose, you know, of DB is to turn yourself around
and show H that you are the person he truly married.
Confronting the OW was wrong. It shows that you are a
loose cannon...no change in you...it validates to him
that he needs to get away from you.
The OW is not the issue here, it's correcting the non-
communication, lack of concern, lack of love, ignoring
each others feelings and concerns. The OW only represents
the immediate solution to H disappointment in the M.
It takes two to create this contempt.

Work on yourself, stay positive and don't talk about the R
with H. Don't bring up the OW anymore. He won't be interested in you until you show proof that you really
are a changed woman. Give him space...keep a PMA.

P.S. Stay away from OW, it really makes you look trashy.

[attorneytom]

Hi Turn:

I agree with 121006. Other than venting your anger what did your actions accomplish ? That is the question I would ask myself.

Tom

[Heimdall]

Turn,

I'm truly sorry about your situation. I feel like I'm in a similar one with the pain and hurt and anger eating away at you everyday. Before reading your post, and the responses above, I was considering confronting my wife with her online affair, but now I think it would only drive her away.

I've only been at this for a few weeks, and it's tearing me apart. I admire you for your courage and ability to stay the course for nine whole months. You should be commended for that effort alone. I think it's the hardest thing in the world to learn to keep your distance from your spouse when all you want to do is make things right, but I think those who have posted above have the right idea. Remember, patience isn't a virtue, it's a necessity. Take some time out. Find a way to vent the pain safely, and take some time for yourself. Spend time on yourself because you want to.

It isn't easy, I know. I spent the entire day with my wife yesterday, and we had a great time: talking, watching videos, holding hands. It was good, and my heart sang. Then she sent a couple of emails to her online OM, and I was crushed. I didn't see the emails, I just knew who they were too because of her body language. Now I'm miserable and trying to find the way to go, but your situation has inspired me to try harder. I'm not going to give up, and neither should you. I would encourage you not to count the days, weeks, or months that go by, as I think this may depress you. Just focus on each day.

I truly hope this helps you,

Heimdall

[Turn]

Thanks everyone....I needed that kick in the ass. I know you are all right. I don't have one person around me, including my pastor, that thinks I should stay in the marriage. They all think I should walk away. I guess my goal for doing what I did was kinda that Last Resort...If he choose to be with her, then I guess I have to walk away. Well, off to church and then watching Steeler football! I just feel so lonely....but someone did ask me, do I want him because I am lonely, or because he is familiar, or do I really love him....and I do really love him...why?????????? ok off to church...thanks for the kick in the butt! I needed that.