Easy on the pushing there, that a sure road for a disaster. The best thing I would say is give it love and time. As much as it's been tough on me, it's been the smartest thing I have done.
I'm wondering if it's worth it to stay anymore. I don't know if this is a low point that I'll come back from or if I'm just hitting rock bottom and am ready to get out. But I can't talk about this with people IRL - I don't want to start on another roller coaster with my friends and family, just want to come to terms with this and then tell them what I'm doing.
But anyway...we went to MC for the first time on the 27th. During the session, we talked about the problems that have been in our R since before the A, the A itself, and what we're currently dealing with. The counselor asked H is he was going to stop talking to OW while he works on himself and our M, and he said he couldn't say either way. She asked that I not press him, but give him a few days to think about it and asked him to let me know what he was going to do about OW. She did say that she won't do any more MC with us though, because H, in her words, has so many individual issues to work through that we can't even discuss the M right now. She said we were sitting on a tinder box and it was all going to go up in flames if we didn't just step back from it. She said MC is a long time in the future, if we do it at all. My heart was absolutely shattered hearing that - because I instantly thought that if we weren't working on it right.now, that it would all just fall apart. [Edited to add: I knew intellectually that this was not the right approach, but it didn't stop the panicky feeling. I remained as calm as I could, but it was so hard.] I tried to remain upbeat during the weekend, but had a hard time with this.
On the way home from our trip on Sunday, H told me he wanted to talk about OW. He said that the further away from her he got, the less he missed her and the more he questioned his feelings for her. He said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and actually was getting a little disturbed by the way she continued to post blogs about me and about him on her website.
Since then, he's maintained that he hasn't spoken to her, he deletes her emails without responding, and he removed her phone number from his phone so he couldn't call her. Yesterday I received the phone bill from our cell company and I see that he was talking to her all the way up to the end of the month. After our discussion. After he had told me that she appeared mentally unstable and he didn't want to talk to her anymore. I just felt gutted.
I KNOW she's not the issue - our M is going to make it if it's meant to be, regardless of who's in the background. But he lied to me again. When I asked him about it, he told me he was going to be "his own man" and wasn't going to be henpecked. That he wanted to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. I told him it sounded like he wasn't ready to be with me again - he sounded like he wanted to be single. He just responded that he wasn't going anywhere - he put too much work in the house to walk away from it. (I guess our M isn't enough of a reason to stay since he didn't mention it.)
Basically, where things stand now:
1. He wants to continue talking to OW, and it appears he wants my blessing. He says they're "just friends" and that they only talk twice a week. I know that's not true - they talk every day. I also know that she still tells him she's waiting for him to come back and that she loves him. He claims to not say it back, but well, what can I believe at this point? He also told me that all the stuff he told me about believing she was mentally unstable, that he didn't want to talk to her, etc. was all a lie.
2. He's also talking to another woman who he met online. Never actually slept with her, but that's what she wants. Says they're just talking like friends, nothing to worry about.
3. I told him I felt like I had no pride left if I stayed while he's talking to these women. He said, "I know, and it sickens me." I asked him if he thought my holding one was pathetic and he said yes. Later he claimed that he was just upset when he said these things, and he didn't mean them. I really think he does.
I feel like I have no self-respect if I stay as things currently are. To live with me, sleep in the same bed as me, while he's talking to these women is just too much. I don't know if I'm the kind of person who can DB. Maybe I'm not strong enough. I don't want this M to end, but I can't see a way out. He says he loves me and wants things to work out, but he told me flat out that he's not going to do anything to regain my trust - I just have to learn to trust him again. How can I do that in the face of yet another set of lies?? Am I just fooling myself by staying?
You know, when I tell myself to just not care anymore and let it go, the knot in my stomach eases and I don't feel quite as anxious. I've been so sickly over the past month that I've lost 15 lbs. I have been physically ill every day for the past 6 days (no, I'm not pregnant). Maybe this M needs to be over for my benefit. Should I be that selfish? Would I regret it later? Would I rationalize my actions so that I could feel better about them? Or would I honestly feel like I did the right thing? Of course I'd miss H and the times we had together, but I wonder if I'd feel more relief than sadness. Immediate relief, to be followed by bone-deep sadness and regret? Or immediate relief that mellows into satisfaction with my decisions?
No one can tell me what to do, obviously, but I'm wondering if you all felt like this and how you dealt with it. I'm trying very hard not to make any impulsive decisions, but I think if I had to decide today, I'd be gone.
Hang in there gal. I have been right there in the emotions and some of the feedback you've been getting. Not fun to be in that snakepit. Mine went through that wishywashy crap for quite awhile. I finally just had to make peace with myself and try to start making my own life, one without him. I desperately wanted him to come back, but like you, the back and forth was beyond torture.
We did reconcile and have worked things out, for many years now, after my getting it together for myself. Hopefully someone else can offer advice. I'm new to the board. Wanted to say hello and be a listening ear. Take care now
LG - You don't have kids - the single biggest factor I think in most cases here where the wife waits patiently for the WAS to figure things out. In a case like yours, I think it's a mistake to wait patiently. The longer he gets to have his cake and eat it too, the more involved he will get with his addictive behaviors with other women.
He came back to you at first because you started a mini-last resort. Now that he's back, though, he's continuing these behaviors that are incredibly destructive to your R.
Now mind you, many returned WASs take a while before they can let go completely of the oW. But your H sounds like he's actually escalating in some ways, and is telling you to your face that he won't stop.
I think it's time to CALMLY set some boundaries. It has NOTHING to do with controlling HIM, and everything to do with what you choose for your own life.
I'd tell him something like: "H, I think that it's becoming clear that what I want out of life is not compatible with what you currently want. You want to maintain a relationship with me but continue these inappropriate friendships with other women on the side. I don't choose to be in a marriage where I am sharing my husband with other women. It's not fair to me, and it puts my own physical health in danger as well.
I love you, and I would love to rebuild our marriage into the healthy joyful relationship I know it could become. Perhaps at some point in the future you may feel the same, and if I am still single at that point, I would consider giving reconciliation a try. Right now, however, I do not choose to be in your life while you are involved with other women."
Keep it calm, simple, and all about what YOU choose.
And if you DO plan to have children in the future, give some serious thought to whether this guy is really the best choice for the father of your children. What happens when he hits 40 or 50 and has a midlife crisis? What devastation might that wreak on your children? You're young and accomplished - you have plenty of options.
Either way - I think he's more likely to come back to you - if you ewant him - if you quit pursuing and look like you're moving on.
Tough call, maybe it's time to call a DB coach. They should help you get a good read on your situation and how you should proceed. I know for me, time has been the biggest healer, but that's my sitch not yours.
I agree w/Kml and also w/Phoenix, your C was NOT a good one to put it mildly, can't believe he actually refused to see you guys! if anything, one to one C would've help some. I encourage you to keep going to C with another T though. I went through 2 C before we settled w/the one we have.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Here are my simple thoughts. If you have no children and have been married for a short time, then send this man on his confused way and find another adorable human being who will care for you and love you. I took my wife back after she left for another and it is hell on earth. I've changed, been more connected, supportive, etc., but it hasn't mattered abit. The pathology that they had that caused them to look at another doesn't change. They either want to be with you, or they don't. That's the way I look at it.
