well, what kind of positive steps youve seen? after a while the adrenaline rush of a new OP wanes, my H told me how eventually she got on his nerves and he in hers.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
He seems to be a bit more chatty, not always rushing straight off when he has been to visit our son, made me a cup of tea (that has always been something he hated doing in the past), and generally trying to be more helpful. I would love to think it's because he is missing me but i am so scared of building my hopes up just to be rejected again.
Our second child is due in 6 weeks time so i am thinking that maybe he is just feeling guilty at the moment, which is why he is making more of an effort.
Bottom line, Unloved,is you won't know until he makes real concrete moves to come back. So whether he is beginning or just feeling sorry for you, it doesn't really matter cuz you have to continue the plan you put into play either way. I have found that my W takes steps forward and back all the time. It's a long (and I mean long!) process. It's damn confusing and we can never really be sure what is going on in that other persons head, it's hard enough trying to keep straight what's in my own head. Right now, I would keep doing what you are doing and concentrate on that beautiful new life you are about to bring into this world. Focus on that excitement and share it with him. At the very least, you've got him making tea for you now!
Yeah, you're right, i think i am over analysing everything at the moment - i need to be more patient.
What is your situation, have you been DB'ing long? I've been separated for 6 months now but only properly DB'ing for the past 4 months. When all this started my friends and family all said that time is a healer and i will be happy again one day, i know that is true but i must admit i did expect to be feeling a bit better by now, but i still feel so sad and lonely.
Well, my sitch...You asked for it! Three years ago W said "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore", two years ago W said "I don't love you anymore" and 9 months ago she said "I've started a new R". I discovered DB at the "I don't love you anymore" stage. It really has kept me sane. I've GAL'd my heart out and have made amazing progress in that, I set some goals for our M and actually realized them BUT despite these "successes" I'm still feeling like I'm at square one again. I forgot that W doesn't have the same itinerary as I do! Damn, why can't they just do what we want The last month has been a real downer, as I started THINKING (stinkin' thinkin) and then the emotions started kicking in, you know "how much am I expected to tolerate blah blah blah"! Well, I'm climbing out of that emotional phase right now and looking more at fixing ME rather than the sitch. I have always found something to keep me going! You will too. If it isn't meant to be, then so be it. Thanks for asking.
Your W is definately the one losing out here. It seems obvious to me that she is never gonna find anyone who will love her as much as you do, why can't they see that? You are doing so well, you must be a very strong and determined person. Do you both still live together and are there any children involved? Sorry, i don't mean to interrogate you, you don't have to answer.
I just find it so sad that people can do this to one another. They really have no idea how painful it is and how, with a bit of effort on both sides, it could have all been avoided.
I'm sorry you feel that there are no signs of improvement with your R, but don't give up and one day she will see just what she nearly lost.
Thanks for the encouragement, Unloved. We have two beautiful D's and we do still live together, W and I sleep in the same bed ...just one happy little family, except for one thing! Part of my sitch is my W is having an A with another woman. That adds a little spice to the drama, doesn't it. W refuses to call herself "gay" and says she doesn't know what she is and I believe her. Personally I believe she became very needy (athough I hate using that word) in the past few years due to feeling extremely overwhelmed by many responsibilities and her "friend" was there for her in ways I either wasn't or could not be. I did endless amounts of listening and taking care of day to day stuff for her but something was missing for her. It strikes me as an addiction, this EA she is in. W has found someone to handle her emotional side because she can't do it herself right now. I've been a good H but am also willing to own my part in what happened, I've actually always been very open to her complaints. Some I acted on some I did not. W is also a clinically depressed individual who refuses to get help. That makes it much harder because the OP has become her happy pill. So I do what I can to be loving and be the best H and dad I can be. That's maybe all any of us can really do. If it ends in a M breakup then I can honestly say I did my best. I hope you are doing well now and you keep us all updated on your sitch. You've got a challenging time ahead of you but with the proper PMA you can do it!
P.S. what you posted above really means alot to me. Thanks
WOW!! I wasn't expecting that. But then i suppose neither were you!
This OP is totally out of order. If she were a real friend to your W she would be encouraging her to seek professional help about the depression and any marital problems. I think she is behaving so selfishly and therefore, cannot be a very nice person - i must admit i would find it highly unlikely that this "friendship" will last.
I think your W is very confused and not thinking rationally at the moment - do you think it's purely due to the depression or could it be some sort of MLC? It sounds like you are doing all the right things - it just makes me mad that we all hang in there, trying to be patient and loving while they convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong and that the M was over ages ago.
You are being a fantasic dad and role model to your D's so you really are the bigger person and like you said you will always be able to say that you did your best.
My W's OP was her best friend for the past few years. She likes to say the A "just happened, nobody planned it". My reply was "I guess aliens just sucked your brain out of your head and you had no choice but to cheat on me!" Sarcasm is one of my blessings/curses! You are right though, the OW, in my view, wants to keep my W needy and dependent because that keeps all the best cards in her hands. Yes, any responsible friend would say "go for help! get some meds" but NO she's going to help her through this all by her itty bitty self. Sad, sad, sad! My W found the mommy she's always wanted (she came from a pretty wacky family) and I just can't compete. So, enough of my tragic tale, how about you? How are you coping and taking care of you these days. Keep us all posted. Thanks again for caring, let me return the favour.
