New Thread: Help! What Just Happened?

[toughlover]

I just got an ILY, I think? actually, 3 in the last two days, but this is the first "unprovoked" one.

My mind's still kinda fuzzy. It's one of the things I hoped to hear someday, but not this soon, and I'm not sure I trust it.

My W and I had a convo yesterday where I basically dropped the ball a little. She was thanking me for being great for the past few weeks and I just told her thanks but I was getting tired of shouldering most of the burden for this marriage. I told her I loved her and would always be committed to her and our M and our family, and while I wasn't trying to "punish" her for things not being exactly like I want them to now, I was going to have to take more time and money and do some things for me and the boys now, which was going to mean a little less time for "us" in whatever capacity we were wanting to spend it.

So she starts crying and says I deserve better than what she's been giving me. I say maybe I do but I've pretty much accepted the likelihood that I may never get that, and while I certainly would like it, don't really think I even need it anymore. Said nothing about my love and commitment to our M has changed but I'm not sitting around hoping for something that may never happen and I don't really need.

So this morning, I'm off work today, we send the kids off to school, and stay in bed and ML. Pretty intense for a change. Later she asks me if I still feel like I did yesterday and I said, basically, Yeah, I do. So she says, "Well, you have a lot to be thankful for and hopeful about including me. I love you and I think this marriage will be great."

So, (like the possible idiot I am, I don't know) I say, "Thanks, but I don't know how I feel about that and after all that's gone on, and all that's happened in such a short time, I can't start hoping and relying on that kind of stuff again right now. I think you're being great and doing great but I just don't know."

So she says, "Well then I guess I just have to redouble my efforts and prove you wrong."

I say, "I don't think you have anything left to prove. You're doing everything I asked for us to stay together and work on this M."

She says, "Well, I'm gonna do it anyhow" or something to that effect.

So, I go to working on my house projects, then run out to the home center for some stuff. When I get back, she's getting ready to do some church stuff then go to work.
Every time she passes me in the hallway she kisses me, and finally when she's leaving she stops me in the hallway, kisses me, looks me in the eyes, and tells me she loves me.

Now, she hasn't done that in YEARS. First time in my life I was struck speechless. I just stared at her. Man was I confused. I don't know why I didn't know what to do, but I didn't. I end up saying something stupid like, "You can't just start doing it like that."

I don't even know why I said that or what it means. She didn't say anything. When she finished getting ready and made it to the door to leave, I stopped her and told her I loved her. Always had, always will. She smiled and left for work.

Did I screw up? Is she playing games (doesn't seem to be, seems sincere)? I figured I was months away from something like that, something she hasn't really said on her own in years. I have a hard time trusting that.

What am I supposed to do now? I wasn't prepared for this at this point? That may seem like a stupid question but she NEVER initiates any affection with me, really, and NEVER tells me she loves me.

Luckily, she's doing church stuff then working til 6pm, so I have some time alone, to regroup.

My DB instincts tell me to not make a big deal out of it...you know, just move along folks, nothing to see here. Ignore it, conduct business as usual, and see what happens next from her side.

Yes? No?

I don't drink but I think I need one.

[cat03]

I think we (people in this board) tend to disect everything sometimes. Take it as face value!! just like the rest of us here do the 180 and baffle our Ss and pray they believe we are being truthful, why must you rationalize and tell her she can't be doing that?

Be happy darn it, enjoy it! Keep it simple and stop disecting the stich, the next time you don't know what you say, don't say anything or at least smile to her if words fail you, let her start to display her affection.

[toughlover]

Thanks for the 2x4, cat.

I was out working on our brick walkway and she showed up unexpectedly between church and work...I thought, "uh-oh, what's wrong now." Turns out she just had some extra time so she brought me lunch. THAT never happens, either. She sat and talked while I ate. Got the ILY again when she left. I said it back this time but it felt really wierd.

[runningoutoftime]

I get the feeling your wife appreciates you. I think she may be seeing you and your marriage in a different light and it sounds to me like she's thankful you've given her a chance, and are treating her respectfully in spite the mistakes she has made.

An interesting thing I once heard a popular radio psych say to someone who wasn't "in love" with their spouse is that by acting as if you are and saying the words, eventually you'll develop the feeling. I think that makes sense. Even if one isn't 100% there I think they can develop appreciation, friendship, and love in time (i.e. love being a choice).

The idea of loving someone taking practice doesn't seem that farfetched when I think about it. Learning other emotions (losing fear, letting go of anger, etc...) can be done with practice over time. I think love can too. Although I think intensity of emotions tends to be stronger and weaker at various times. Sometimes a particular thing (a song, photo, memory, etc...) can spark intense feeling.

I think her words and behavior are a good sign.

[Delil@h]

when My H started warming up to me , even though it was what I was hoping for against all odds ( A MIRACLE really )... I too had all the feelings you are feeling
this can not be real somebody pinch me....

sounds like you had a great day you are just overwhelmed by it all.

I have been reconciled only @ 10 weeks now and it still feels "wierd" occasionally when he does something unexpected like your Wife did and yet I realize it is a blessing and just smile. He does things for me now too that he has never ever done....

take it slow it will take time for it to feel real , how long???????? I wish I knew too.
Maybe some veterans can help you further with this.
I am new to this too and I still sometimes wonder when he says ILY...
and he often asks me too,, " Do you really love me ?" in his little boy voice..

With time and healing when she says this to you it will I bet feel so natural.
All my best to you.
God bless...

[icl]

Toughlover,

read this on Beingme's thread:

# You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.

Seems like this would be a good way forward for both you and your wife. Don't analyse it, just do it and don't expect anything in return. Sounds like your wife is practicing this right now and none of it sounds false as its more than just an ILY its also other acts of love. Accept it, appreciate it, find ways to do the same and be prepared for your R to grow,

icl

[toughlover]

Thanks, y'all. Yes, Alimari, I am overwhelmed by it.

This has really messed me up in a way I never expected it to.

Some of you know I struggled with detachment early on, finally made it to that "detached, quiet place" where I could love her out of my strength and participate in things without too much expectation at all. That along with my relationship with God brought much peace and quiet to my heart and mind.

I know this is irrational and stupid, but I can't seem to get back to that detached space in my mind. Every time she tells me she loves me (did it on the phone a little while ago) everything spins and I wonder if she means all the feelings are back as well as the commitment, if she says that but it still means the "I love you but am not in love with you" garbage, if she's just saying it for other manipulative reasons.

I'm afraid to say anything about it or talk with her now because if she is truly sincere then I'll just ruin it by questioning her.

However, taking her at her word, not to mention just believing she could care about me that much, this soon, after all that's gone on, fries my brain. Yes, I'm very analytical about everything. Just how my brain works.

I guess I really don't trust her, and maybe that's my problem alone now. I can't believe she's not just biding her time until, wham, I get hit with another brick one day.

We've got our monthly MC appt. a week from today. Man I hope this week goes by fast...and uneventful.

How do I keep my cool and not blow this? I just didn't expect to be here now.

[sean669]

Hey all,

Just wanted to thow my 2 cents in... This is part of an email I received... Makes sense, in light of what we are talking about.

Most people think that the FEELING of love comes
BEFORE we express love - and in the beginning of a
relationship, that's what happens. You fall in
love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings
inspire your actions.

But mature love asks more of you. To create a
strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING
ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow.

After all, you don't jog two miles or skip
dessert because you feel healthy. You feel
healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped
dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage,
YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!

[toughlover]

Thanks, Sean. I agree with that.

Upon further reflection, I'm wondering if, as with everything and everybody else, this just isn't happening like I figured it would, so it's harder for me to recognize it for what it is.

It doesn't look like I thought it would. I don't "feel" anything but confused. I never expected this.

There's no second honeymoon here. It's just kinda "normal" as though nothing ever happened. Of course, that's exactly what I thought I wanted. But now that it might be here, it's a lot harder (for me, anyway) than I thought it would be. And a lot sooner, which makes me not trust it.

Maybe the problem is that at this point she just wants to forget and move on, and she assumed from my "acting as if" that I had, but now that we're really moving on and it's working, I'm not as willing to forget as I thought I was...as I thought I had.

[Delil@h]

Maybe the problem is that at this point she just wants to forget and move on, and she assumed from my "acting as if" that I had, but now that we're really moving on and it's working, I'm not as willing to forget as I thought I was...as I thought I had.



WHEN THIS FEELING CAME OVER ME I WAS TOLD TO REREAD MY D.R. BOOK AND I DID AND IT HELPED SO MUCH,, ALSO REMEMBER YOU WERE WORKING SO HARD TO DETATCH , on yourself, ON YOUR WELL BEING etc. etc..
So now that you are sooo close to your goal alot of feelings suddenly come to the surface,, just like you I thought all of the things you are feeling and it is confusing b/c you assumed that when this happened you would be deliriously happy and not have all this flooding of MIXED emotions. You are doing just fine, get out your book and read where it explains what happens during this time to your emotions and how to deal with them.

Take a deep breath and smile you are doing so well..
God bless...