Happy New Year everyone! Time is marching on, and H and I are feeling this most acutely with D14. She is a reserved, brainy, sweet girl with a detached/artistic flair and entered HS this year. Superficially she has what I'd describe as soft features and good girl looks, and has always worn her hair long. Anyway( there's a point to this)...she wanted a haircut, so I brought her in, sat back as I always do, and the next thing I know she basically had all her hair cut off...must have been 12 inches! I knew she wanted a change but wasn't prepared for anything that radical. The end result is that she looks much older, like a 20 yr old...I guess you could say it's chic...but it's like the same length as my son's! I really wasn't prepared for this...it was a complete transformation. She didn't look like my daughter anymore, and I felt sad. ( BTW, she loved it). Now here's where the marital stuff comes in...H takes one look at her and starts ripping into me for letting her do this and not overlooking/supervising things better ( we have had this kind of disagreement before, where he feels I'm too lax). I'm feeling down anyway about the change in her, so I'm internalizing his message, that I am a bad mother. Meanwhile there is a part of me that is excited for her to grow, figure herself out as an individual, but it's hard to know how much to directly intervene, and H and I have different thresholds. Every time we look at her it's a reminder that times are a-changing...she's becoming her own person, she's growing up, she does have this inner rebel within, which superficially has been kept under wraps. What she's really dying for now is some pink streaks in her hair as well...I'm inclined to let her put a few in, my H says absolutely not.
I know this is a SSM board, but I'm having a lot of weird-o feelings about my daughter's changes and not sure of what I'm doing, and all this is impacting upon H as well and our marriage. Happy New Year. Right.
You're not a bad mother. You're a good mother for not stopping her when she wanted to try something new like this. And hat's off to HER for getting her hair cut without worrying about what you or your husband would think. His reaction is all about HIM, not about you. He's taking it out on you, but it's not YOURS. Pink streaks are harmless to HER... your H is having a hard time facing that she is growing up...
My H is the strict one in our HH too. Usually I let him have the last word since I am willing to admit that I tend to err on the side of leniency. However, I would say that in matters of personal expression I would tend to support the kid's decision. Also, I think parents really need to pick their battles with teenagers. Therefore, I agree with you.
BTW. I'm experiencing some weird stuff with my D15 too. Yesterday she went out to breakfast with a boy and then they watched Annie Hall together, yet she claims that they are not dating. Of course, I was distracted from my attempt to offer motherly guidance by my complete wonder that my D was able to find a high school boy who likes diner breakfasts and Woody Allen classics.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Our kids are changing all the time, but this haircut thing really hit me between the eyes. D14 looks so grown up! And H and I have to adjust. ( S12 is immature for his age, so we have time there). I wish my daughter had a cool aunt to give her WOA while her parents sort through all the emotions; I had an aunt like this who bolstered me through crazy times with my mother. I think I need to channel auntie Lil and auntie Jenny in my interactions with her!
I know my H is struggling too, and I see his lashing out at me as a maneuver to avoid feeling bad. Let's blame it on IHJ. And I already feel bad, so why not take on more? That's why this BB is so important to me; it helps me clarify my role and not take on my H's stuff. I'm figuring out my boundaries.
I was going to collude with D14 and let her put a few pink streaks in, and defend it to H afterwards, but then I realized I'm reacting like a child myself. So H and I discussed it and he surprisingly agreed. D14 is one happy girl, for the moment, anyway.
Going through the teen years with these kids is going to stir a lot up.
IHJ, since you're a creative, mystical type 4, why don't you give her the best of both worlds.
Say to your daughter, "I had an aunt who bolstered me through crazy times with my mother. You don't have an aunt like that in the flesh, but from time to time I may 'channel' my Aunt Mary to you and tell you what she would have said. For example, as your mom, I'm very unsettled by seeing you suddenly look so grownup with your short hair. Your mom thinks pink streaks are over the top, and, sorry, but I'm not ready for them. Now... (change your voice a bit, pull your glasses down your nose a little, if you wear glasses) Aunt Mary would say, 'I love the idea of pink streaks! But you've got to have mercy on your mom and dad a little Give them time to get used to the short hair first. They're a little bit behind the times, but they're really pretty okay....'" And then go on to say whatever Aunt Mary would have said to make the teenaged IHJ feel a little better and that she had been understood by an important adult who was NOT her mom.
Journey, Fwiw, my H lashes out at me with respect to child-rearing stuff too, even though my kids are much younger than yours. While it upsets me terribly in the moment, it is not very long after that I say to myself, Hey self don'tcha remember that this is just what he *does*?
(this is where the men should stop reading) Honestly I think he just cannot process emotional stuff and so he just starts picking on the nearest adult--namely me. A couple months ago he was upset at some changes he perceived in D7. He was blaming this that and the other and I stopped him cold by saying, H she's just growing up. She's not the same kid she was a year ago.
He was upset cause she no longer wants to follow him around blindly, now she wants neighborhood kids etc. It really rocked his world and I'm not kidding when I say that a minute later he's wildly looking around for our other daughters. I could see the hamsters spinning in his noggin and the realization: Hey! They're still young!! LOL He's always in such a hurry for them to grow up, constantly talking about it and yet when they do, he's upset.
Anywaaaaay. I wanted to say that if you can keep calm and do not personalize this, you can expose his behavior for what it is pretty easily. Look him right in the eye and say, "I'm just as upset as you are that our baby girl is growing up but attacking me will not make her younger." The trick with someone like your H is to say it with a kind look in your eye and maybe a smile.
People are people, ya know? He may never outgrow this annoying habit of his. If you can keep this in mind and manage to stay calm (I know how hard it is) you may be able to encourage him to stop doing this. If you get upset also, then all he is focused on is the conflict and not his own silly reaction.
honestly, J, I'm not looking forward to the teenage years. My H will do the same as yours and I've already spent a goodly amount of time worrying about it. The day that they display their sexuality, either by their clothes or behavior, he will have a nuclear meltdown. Me...well, it's not so long ago that I was a teenage girl (ok, it really was but let's just let honeypot have her fantasy) so I will probably have more sympathy for them.
Hang in there and don't be afraid to set some nice-but-firm boundaries with H regarding how much responsibility you are willing to assume in your daughter's natural maturing process. Which is a nice way of saying, Didn't he ever do anything stupid when he was younger?? What the heck.....
I'm with ya. It is hard to watch them grow up. DS15 is more like a "man" every day. It is difficult. DD9 is on the cusp of puberty - little breast buds starting. I look at them and I'm so proud of them and the people they are becoming but I hate it at the same time. It is a very conflicting feeling.
It really rocked his world and I'm not kidding when I say that a minute later he's wildly looking around for our other daughters. I could see the hamsters spinning in his noggin and the realization: Hey! They're still young!!
This is hysterical! It reminds me when I told my H I was pregnant and he bolted out the door and circled around the house a few times in a frenetic way, trying to figure out in a moment's time what needed to be done!
Anyway, issues with D14 seem to have calmed down; now S12 is acting up and stressing us out. I probably should seek out a parenting board but I'm attached to you guys here..I mean, you have followed the intimate details of my sex life with a lot of heart and wisdom. S12 is a warm, affectionate child who loved lots of TLC from me...I probably received too much emotional fulfillment from him when he was a child, with H being the outsider; the dynamics have now shifted, with H stepping in more, me backing away, H and I becoming more team-like, and S12 becoming more teen-like ( enneagram-wise, it's hard to pick a number for him, he's a mix of 4,6 9...if I had to pcik one I'd say 9). This sweet child has a stubborn streak like no other and provokes the daylights out of H and I get caught in the middle. It's confusing and I need to sort it through, but perhaps this is a good sign, that I am less preoccupied with my sex life and more focused on the kids.
Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for yout post to me. I appreciate your encouraging words. I am excited about starting a new relationship with my Husband and I know I have to just be patient and take it moment by moment.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Just reading over my thread and updating...things are very much the same here. H has been initiating several times a week, and my body has learned to respond. I feel LD in between. I think this is learned too. I am just going with the flow. H is still hypersensitive to my moods, and sometimes he just seems needy, but can't ask for attention. He then will start some sort of bad interaction until I figure out that it's his way of getting his needs met ( love, hugs, appreciation, etc.). He seems to have internalized his responsibility for a sex life with me, and it still takes some time for him to get excited enough to ML, but I have gotten more patient. Some days are better than others, but overall its been good. I do wish he's have red hot passion for me, but oh well.
