I can't believe I'm posting this

[InHisHands]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, I tried all day not to think/talk/write about this, but I just can't seem to get past it and could really use some advice.

Quick background, H dropped the bomb 8/12. Discovered EA w/co-worker two days later. Two months of up & down, separated then together then separated, etc. Pure Hell. Now he's been home since 10/7 and things are calm. He seems remorseful and dedicated to working things out. I'm still working very hard to get over everything that has happened and still feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

During the two months of Hell, we never stopped having sex (even while separated). In fact, it was better than it had ever been before. I believe it's because H took charge more than ever before. Any time we had sex in the past two years it was I who had to initiate. I began to feel like the most undesirable woman alive because he never made a move, so sex became pretty infrequent. I had told him several times that I wished he would make a move sometimes, but he never did. Now he tells me he didn't think I REALLY wanted it, so he never tried. He did that in conversation, too, he would assume he knew my answers or my thoughts without bothering to ask me, so we either fought or never talked.

Anyway, now we're actually talking about sex and he's taking the time to find out what I like and he's shocked at how "sexual" I am (I don't know why, I never made any secret about what I liked or how I liked it, I guess he just never believed me before now). I guess now that we're being open and honest about sex, he thinks anything goes.

Here comes the embarrassing part:

We went out for drinks a few nights ago and he started throwing peanuts down my shirt & fishing them out. I was okay with it, if somewhat uncomfortable. Then he asked the guys sitting at the next table if they wanted some "warm peanuts." He proceeded to describe my undergarments to them and offered to let them see. He thoroughly enjoyed using me to tease these men. When I asked him later why he would do that he said, "Because I know that they all wanted you and I am the only one who gets to go home with you." It turned him on.

When we got home, he wanted to take pictures of me to show his friends. WTF? Thank God, my D13 had the digital camera with her at her friend's house.

Then, a couple of times since then he has mentioned threesomes . . . other man or other woman, doesn't seem to matter. He thinks it would be "cool" to watch me with another guy and thinks it would be "cool" for me to watch him with another woman.

All this on the heels of the extreme trauma of discovering his EA!! So, I mentioned to him a few days ago that this is making me extremely uncomfortable . . . that fantasies are cool, but our relationship is not stable enough and my emotional state is not strong enough to handle the visuals he was evoking.

Then last night we were ML. I heard him say "I Lo..." And I, playfully, said, "You WHAT? You LOVE me? Why'd you stop yourself, you can say you love me." Blah blah blah like that until he said it and then I said it back and then we were really heavily into it and he said, "I'd love to have someone else here with you now."

OH MY GOD!! As if that's not insulting enough, I realized that THAT was what he had started to say before and stopped. THAT was what he was going to say . . . not "I love you." Oh, my God! I felt like such a fool.

I have been ashamed and embarrassed all day. I have avoided talking to him. I have no idea how or whether to say anything to him about this. He already knew how I felt about this little "fantasy" of his.

Is this something I should address with him and, if so, how? How can I tell him that I want him to be open and honest with me but not THAT open and honest? Damn. I begged him to talk to me about his feelings, his desires, his dreams, his hurts, anything and everything for three years. Three years ago I believed we were in a strong, committed relationship . . . I might have been able to handle his little fantasy then (not that I would do it, but I could handle hearing him fantasize about it). But not now.

Now he's opening up and I don't want to discourage him but, DAMN. This is crazy.

One other thing. I had mentioned to him during one of his interrogations that I used to have a "friend" when I was single. We would go out sometimes, but usually we just got together for sex. No strings attached. A few nights ago, H seemed really agitated and asked me why could I have sex with my friend without the emotions but I couldn't do that with him. He asked, "What's the difference?" I said the obvious, "The difference is that he and I didn't walk down the aisle and make promises to each other." What I should have said was, "Why could you share your emotions with your co-worker without the sex and you couldn't do that with me?" But I didn't think of that until it was too late.

I really got the feeling that he was angry that he couldn't have that kind of relationship with me. That if we could just get together occasionally for sex, we would be fine.

Does this sound like a marriage worth saving? Is it part of his MLC? What in the world do I do? I cannot keep hearing him say things like that. I already told him once how I felt, how do I say it so that he'll respect my feelings about it. Or is he simply incapable of respecting me?

Sorry it got so long, I've been carrying this all day and I feel like my head is going to burst.

[Martelo]

"I had mentioned to him during one of his interrogations"

Interrogations is a rather strong word could you elaborate a bit on this?

[InHisHands]

Oh, sorry! Believe it or not, the above was actually the edited version . . . I had included something about the interrogations originally, but when I realized how long my post was, I edited it out.

I had kind of a checkered past before we met. I became a Christian when I was 30, but until then I had been involved in drugs and all kinds of vile and disgusting things. We met at church and I honestly believed that, for the first time, I had met someone who loved me for ME. Know what I mean?

Ever since he announced that he was "done" with the marriage, he has been more and more interested in hearing about my past. He knew everything before we married, but all of a sudden he's wanting details. I'm starting to think he married me in the hopes that my conversion wasn't real -- like he believed he was really getting the party whore. Maybe that's why he got fed up and checked out of the marriage. He's been a Christian (supposedly) all of his life, so I don't know if he's feeling some kind of sick jealousy that I lived the wild life and he didn't or if he's mad that I'm not still living it or what.

Anyway, I'm not proud of this. I'm crying as I type this because I had put all of this behind me and truly believed that I was forgiven and that I was a brand new person. I thought he believed the same. I guess there's just no escaping my past.

[Martelo]

I doubt that you have done anything truely vile and disgusting in your life.
Does your husband watch much porn?

[InHisHands]

That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day! Thanks for the confidence!

He doesn't watch porn that I know of, he told me once that it doesn't do anything for him. Of course, he's told me a lot of things that turned out to be untrue, so I can only say I'm about 90% sure he doesn't.

[Martelo]

You say your husband complains that you cant have sex with him without
emotions. You have to wonder why would any husband would want that?

The thread between the things you shared about your husbands turn
ons seems to be other people finding you hot, I could only speculate on
why. While your not sexstarved per say you may not be getting the kind of
sex you want this can certainly lead to a deadening desire.

[InHisHands]

It's normal, then, for husbands to want that kind of sex with their wives? I honestly didn't know that. I look at other couples and they seem so -- I don't know -- connected. I can't imagine some of the other wives I know being their husbands' sex toy.

Do you think he honestly wants me to be with another man or he honestly wants to be with another woman or is it just something that turns him on to think about? Is this okay in a healthy marriage?

As you could probably tell, I'm no expert on healthy relationships so this whole thing is unchartered territory for me.

[InHisHands]

Ooops, I forgot to add . . . the only thing I wanted from him was that he be a little more assertive in bed, which he's done -- really well, I might add!

He keeps saying things like, "I can't keep up with you" and "I'm too old for this." It makes me wonder if he's looking at sex as a chore now? I didn't mean for him to kill himself trying to "perform," I just like when he's more in control and more assertive. I'm worried that him trying too hard is going to make him as miserable as him not trying made us. (Did that make sense?)

[Lillieperl]

I personally think that fantasizing about threesomes (or moresomes) is perfectly okay in a healthy marriage. That in fact is a fantasy of mine, but I would never want it to go beyond the fantasy stage.

Let me ask you this: if you were sure that there was nothing morally wrong with such a FANTASY, would you be okay with your H sharing the fantasy with you?



But... the peanut scene really creeped me out. I get the impression he does not want this to stay at the fantasy level.


Like Martelo, I also question that you did anything truly vile and disgusting. As long as you didn't torture little children or animals, whatever you did was probably what grownups do.

Now that you are a Christian and God has forgiven you, be sure to forgive yourself, okay? Otherwise, you're only halfway there.

[Martelo]

It's normal, then, for husbands to want that kind of sex with their wives? I honestly didn't know that. I look at other couples and they seem so -- I don't know -- connected. I can't imagine some of the other wives I know being their husbands' sex toy.

I made no claim to "normal" behavior its a really difficult to describe sexual
activity as normal. A lot of people have sex that feels unconnected I will say that.

Do you think he honestly wants me to be with another man or he honestly wants to be with another woman or is it just something that turns him on to think about?

I think he is uncomfortable with his own sexual nature and is using your sexuality to prop his up and turn him on.

Is this okay in a healthy marriage?

I don't get to vote on your marriage.

It really sound like you simply want to feel more connected during sex.