Hi, I have spent the past three months on what seems like a crash course in relationships. My wife of seven and half years told me she was not happy and was thinking of divorce in July of 2006. I was in complete shock, I knew things were not great; however, I believed that we were just going through a phase that would pass. We have a s(2) and a s(5). At first I thought it was all me, working to many hours, not meeting her emotional needs, being unsuportive of her position as a stay at home mom. I then found out that she has been having an EA with an individual from another State for at least the past year and maybe longer. This is a person that has stayed in contact with her over the past 15 years. They never really dated, they met each other on vacation as teenagers.
When my wife asked me to the leave the house I refused and said I was not walking away from her or the family and wanted to work on our relationship. We have been at this place for the last month and half. Too many details to list out; however, as you may guess there have been good days and bad days with the most recent her still on the path of wanting a divorce.
From what I have read I thought it would be good to get involved with a group of indivduals that appear to either be at the same crossroads in their lives or have figured out how to get past this issue and move on. I am presently in counseling, relying on my friends way to much and hoping and praying to God every day.
Start by reading Divorce Remedy if you have not already. Obviously there has been changes in you that you need to focus on before you can worry about saving your marriage. What was it that your W fell in love with in the very begining? What has changed from then to now? What can you do to put yourself back into that same position? Just remember it is all about you. You can not control her or change her she will have to do that on her own. You can speed it up though by correcting yourself for you not her.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Thanks, I agree and I have been using the past month or so to take a good look in the mirror, and read as much as possiable including DR and countless other books. I made the mistake of not only taking my wife for granted, but I compounded the problem by being controlling, which has lead her to believe with the help of the OM that I am selfish, not genuine and unsupportive.
Do not leave the house without some kind of separation agreement. You can screw yourself big time by leaving without one. Your W is living a fantasy on the internet. The first thing you will find is that everything about the OP is so "special" and you, of course, can't compete. It is all fantasy. She is putting all the good into the OP and all the bad on to you. That said, look at your M and figure out what was missing. You sound like a typical guy, "I knew things were'nt great, but I thought it was a faze (sp?)". Most of us have been there. We think that because M is supposed to be forever (that's our fantasy!), that it just has to be that way "for better or worse". We get caught up in life and family, the M needs slowly fall to the wayside. So when the W wakes us up, it's usually in the form of the "bomb". So welcome to our illustrious club! Start with looking at what was missing and start trying to work at getting it back. She's still there, that's a positive. Keep us posted.
As a follow up to your question I have changed my work hours, I am no longer controlling her and I am making time daily to give her a break from the kids.
I have told her to go and see the OM to determine if this fantasy is real or not, unfortuntly she will only go if she can take the kids with her and we seperate. Without boring everyone with the details, I am a minority partner in several partnerships that do not want any part of the legal side of divorce and they have the power to terminate me for a nominal amount. In essence we would lose everything we worked for over the past eight years.
I have never been at a place in my life where I am faced with losing everything. At the end of the day the most important aspect is my family. I still have my brain and would hopefully be able to make the financial gains again; however, I would hate to give it all away without trying to stop this train wreck first.
Quote: I have told her to go and see the OM to determine if this fantasy is real or not
You are just pushing her into his arms, it IS real to her, she's made it real in her head, what if she upon seeing decides on the stop to be w/him? why tempt her to make a rush desicion? The more distance between them the better.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I would be careful about encouraging her to commit adultery by suggesting she go see this person. I can't see it having a good outcome for your sitch. The OP is the "good" guy and that infatuation can take hold no matter what the real person presents as (and you can bet he'll present well). Don't think that "reality" has any impact here. Start working on what was wrong, with or without her. Do things to make yourself a better H and person, let her figure out what to do with her long distance A.
Thanks that makes alot of sense. My wife created the plan and has essiently been trying to get me to be the one to enact it in the hopes of minimizing her guilt.
I am trying to do everything in my power not to act in a controlling manner and at the same time try and make the best decisions for my two sons who unfortuntly are inocent bystanders in this mess.
When I take a step back and try to look at the forest, I see a women who has had a fantasy with another individual for close to 18 years and who believes that she has found somebody better than her current husband, trading up to a better model. Someone she believes is closer to her soulmate. It appears that the legal system is set up to favor the primary caregiver and actually put her and the OM in a better financial position than the one they are in today.
One of my problems is trying to figure how get out of the way of the battle that my wife is having with herself? By staying at the house I easily can get in the middle; however, by leaving I open the door for to run to the other guy and it appears I also lose my children.
Welcome to the club...sorry to have another member. You are in a very tough spot. How do you compete with a complete fantasy? Seems nearly impossible in your situation...especially this has been brewing for so long and she never even gets to see him so basically she fills in all of the holes with good/fantasy in her mind. He is the good guy...you are the bad guy...I have yet to see anyone on here show a convincing plan on how to change this attitude...seems the only thing you can do is wait it out and make yourself a better person that your W wants to be with again.
Everyone is right that you need to change yourself and work on what made the marriage fail. I really think you need to try and convince her to stay and keep her away from the OM. Once she goes down that path you are going to have a very hard time getting her back.
So depressing hearing this same story over and over...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
